Two week wait

There is nothing harder than the two week wait.  You are hoping it's finally yes! You bite your nails to a nub waiting for the day you can finally take a home pregnancy test.  The moment comes and you hesitate.  Could this be the day?  Or is it going to be a sad dissapointment like every other month?  You expect your period and it doesn't even phase you anymore when it comes.  If it doesnt the possibilities flood your mind.
Once you start to go through the processes of clomid to iui to ivf you have a glimmer of hope each  month  but no expectations of any real results.  It's been your experience to be disappointed every month so that is what you expect...sometimes even look forward to.  Especially if you've experienced miscarriages or child loss.  You just don't want to hurt anymore so you become numb to it all. 
Then the day comes and you get to transfer an embryo that has been tested and tormented and has made it through embryo hell and back and it's the lucky one that will be implanted in your uterus.  You go in and out of your appointment and the wait begins. 
You make it a whole week before even thinking about taking a pregnancy test.  It comes out positive!  You're slightly freaking out and still don't believe the answer you got.  It's only natural to take another test the next day...positive.  Okay...maybe?  You take a test every morning that week and get all positives, except for that one day when you took the test in the afternoon and got a negative because it's so early in pregnency you didn't have enough hcg to get a positive. Or was that the right one?  You go slightly crazy since you're on a slew of hormones to help you keep a pregnancy if you really are pregnant.  You take one the next morning...positive.  Still in your mind there is doubt.  What if It's negative and I've miscarried and that's why I got a negative and a positive.  Maybe it's still not time to have kids and our trial is not over.  Maybe we wasted an embryo and we only have so many left.  Maybe we weren't supposed to choose the gender of the baby.  Maybe I did something to cause it not to take.  Your thoughts bounce around like a racquet ball every which way.  You will drive yourself nuts.  It's "normal."  You decide I'm just going to wait for the blood test tomorrow morning. 
The day is here. You've had ur blood drawn and you're embarrassed but admit you took "a test" to the lady drawing your blood and it was positive.  She seems to think that's a good sign but says nothing else.  Rude.  She says they'll call you in a few hours.  Mentally you say okay so they should call by 1230 maybe 1 at the latest. 
Hour 1 rolls by...they will call any minute!  You do anything you can to keep busy.  Your house will get pretty clean during the wait or you'll get a good nap in.  By the time you go to work at 2pm...they STILL haven't called.  You think they are just saving you for last so your day isn't ruined by the bad news.  still you will not separate from your phone for anything!  It's glued to you. 
Finally you get busy doing something at work and they call!  You answer and try to prepare for the blow.  Then they tell you you are pregnant and you are excited!  You already knew it all along but you just needed that confirmation. 
You have just received great news and your excited...and yet still reluctant.  You still have 8 more weeks to make it through the first trimester into "safety."  You wait for your first ultrasound a week or two later to see a heartbeat and confirm there is a baby in there even though your already feeling a little sick.    Even then you just wish the first trimester gets over with quickly and you're still pregnant.   You're also hoping for a good bout of morning sickness to reassure you that everything is going good. 
Lots of thoughts and doubts inhabit your mind but ultimately you try to have hope and faith that everything will be alright.  It's a time you realize that you've done everything in your abilities possible to make this happen.  You're little embryo is now in the hands of your higher power.  He is in charge and you pray daily for the courage you will need to in order to go through whatever is in store...miscarriage, child loss or maybe, just maybe, a full term pregnancy and all that comes with it. 
I know that not everyone will get pregnant their first try at any infertility treatments...or at all.  Don't lose hope.  You will feel when it's time to move on.  And as hard as it seems to believe, it will feel peaceful.  Infertility treatments, adoption, foster care to adoption, being an aunt, uncle...Every story of being and becoming a parent is different.  Every situation is different.  Every person has different limits.  Follow what is peaceful for you.  Peace is a gift and sometimes all we have in these moments. 

Some would say we shouldn't tell people until the first trimester is over that we're pregnant.  I say I'm sharing the entire journey.  This includes the good, the bad and the ugly.  We will see how this story turns out together.  I want you to know that I  appreciate you.

Post transfer

Here's the update...

On November 10th We were able to go in and do our first implantation.  They have you drink while on your way in so your bladder is pretty full when they do the transfer.  A full bladder helps to essentially uncurl your uterus so it is a straight shot into the middle where they want to implant the embryo.  

We arrived at the place early as it was snowing and they took us back quickly.  The nurse comes and talks with you about what to expect during and after the procedure and what you should be mindful of (restrictions, emergent situations etc...).  The embryologist comes in to make sure you are who you are and to tell you about the embryo they have chosen for you.  He also gave us our first picture of our future family.  Then the doctor comes in and you sign a few papers saying you allow them to try am impregnate you etc...

Once all the paperwork is set you change into your pretty robe.  Your husband gets a cute little jumpsuit and mask as well.  At this point you realize you need to pee kind of a lot.  You tough through it.  They get you and your significant other in the room where they do the transfer and you lay on the bed with the pretty, shiny stirrups.  They put a bio-hazard bag underneath your hips to catch all the "stuff".  You get all situated and the doctor comes in.  He inserts a speculum which puts more pressure on your already full bladder.  Still you try to tough it out while holding your pee in.  Then the nurse puts the ultrasound on top of your tummy and you feel all hell is about to break loose.  You aren't sure if you're going to make it and the doctor proceeds to clean out your uterus with the same solution your embryo is in as well as cotton which feels like steel wool on your uterus.  You are not enjoying any of the process because you are trying with all your might to not pee on the doctor and wishing you had done some kegel exercises to help you out this whole time.  The doctor finishes cleaning out the prospective new home for your embryo and says only 5 more minutes.  5 MORE MINUTES!  You said that 10 minutes ago!  You finally break down and tell the doctor...WAIT!  I really can't hold it any longer and I don't want to jeopardize the transfer (or pee on you)...I have to pee at least a little bit.  He takes out the speculum and inserts a very small catheter in your bladder and begins to empty some of your bladder into the bio-hazard bag.  Something doesn't sound right.  "I think the pee is going onto the floor." you say.  The nurse says nope...we're good.  You relax a little and then your husband says..."It is leaking onto the floor."  You are slightly mortified but have not control over your bladder because the doctor is in control and still emptying your bladder even though it's waterfalling onto his shoes!  Eventually he empty's enough that he can stop the emptying but proceeds with everything else after putting a new non holy bag under your hips.   He can now re clean your uterus with steel wool to prepare for the moment you have been waiting for for a long time.  This time the speculum, ultrasound and catheter are much more enjoyable.  Everything is ready and clean once again and the door to the embryologist room opens.  He lets you watch on the big screen tv as he puts a slide with your embryo in that same solution.  He magnifies the embryo as much as he can and you say "Welcome little embryo.  Please feel free to make a home inside my freshly cleaned house the doctor has prepared for you".  He verifies you are who you are again and then sucks the embryo up into a catheter.  He carefully carries the catheter making sure nothing escapes and puts it inside the larger hollow catheter the doctor is holding inside your uterus where he wants the embryos home to be.  You look at the ultrasound that is now bearable and watch as the catheter makes its way in and you see a very small cloud of what looks like air but is the fluid your baby was housed in.  The doctor lets everything settle for a minute.  The embryologist checks the catheter and equipment he used to make sure the embryo made it inside you and isn't hiding in the equipment he used.  Once the embryologist clears everything the doctor removes everything and you are free to get dressed and go pee!  Only now the doctor has drained your bladder for you...all over his feet...so you're not in a hurry anymore.  

This experience was in fact my own.  I did pee on the doctor and while it was gross...it was funny and apparently not the first time it's happened!  

After the procedure we went home and rested for the next few days.  The third day I went to the gym and began a pretty normal routine.  There weren't many restrictions except to not run or do anything that would be bouncy, abrupt or could result in falling.  I wasn't supposed to lift over 25 lbs for the first week.  Other than that they didn't have many restrictions.  Basically they tell you you are pregnant until proven otherwise.  It's kind of neat to witness the exact moment your embryo entered your uterus and that opportunity for a baby was there.  

The next 2 weeks require a lot of patience!  You assess every cramp, wave of nausea, craving, headache and think...is this a sign?  Is my embryo implanting right now?  Then you remember that the medications the doctors have you on all make you feel like your pregnant anyways.  One week later you have an itch to take a home pregnancy test.  Is it a good thing.  Will it tell my anything?  Is it even possible to know this early?  Should I just wait until my blood test in a few days?  Can I make myself wait that long? (not likely) If it is positive does it really mean I'm pregnant?  If it's negative am I going to be a depressed hormonal lady that can't function?   If it is positive am I going to get my hopes up and miscarry before the blood test?  You literally can drive yourself crazy tying to not think about all the things that you WILL  think about.  You are wired that way.  Especially since there really hasn't been any real hope for a while and now that hope is back and having a child is a possibility the incessant questions start up again.
There are two responses you can get from a pregnancy test...positive or negative.   There are many reasons why you may get these answers.  If you took any sort of HCG or they used any during implantation you could get a false positive.  If you take the test any time during the 2 week wait you can get a false negative as your body may not be making enough HCG...yet.  Whether you decide to take a test ,or 50.  Maybe you decide to wait until your blood test at the doctors office.  Either way remember that you have done all that you possibly can to bring a child into this world.  You are giving your future family your best shot and that shot you are taking now is in the hands of your higher power.  I know that God is all knowing.  He knows what we need in order to be molded into the most celestial being possible here on earth.  Unfortunately this means that our trials may go on for longer than we want.  Fortunately we can pray for courage to accept His will and be fortified spiritually, physically, mentally.  Whatever His will for us.  Let us have the courage to pray for the courage to accept His plan for us and our family.  Sometimes that is half the battle.  I know he answers us especially when we are able to turn our will over to His.  

I love you.  Whoever you are.  This is an amazing trial...said nobody ever...while in the midst of the refiners fire.  Stay strong and know that you are not alone:)