I had a dream last night. I was in a house with some strangers when we became surrounded by 5 big tornadoes consisting of 5 funnels each. Immediately we all got up and ran to the basement. By the time we got to the basement the strangers had changed into my family. I remember the defining emotion in the dream was fear.
When I woke up I looked up the meaning of tornadoes in your dreams. It talked about anger or volatile people in your life. It also talked about the meaning being the emotion you remember feeling most clearly during your dream. for me...fear. Now I cannot say I believe in everything that dreams "say". I do believe that circumstances in life can translate into what we dream about.
It wasn't until talking with my mom that I was able to put a finger on what I was so fearful about. I am scared to go forth with fertility treatments. At this moment, if I could be done with trying to have my own children, I would. Some may say...then be done. The fear for me comes from knowing that I need to keep moving forward because it is what needs to be done.
These last few months since we miscarried have been some of the lowest and hardest months of my life. I write this not to get sympathy but because I want people to know what many people go through.
These last few months I have walked around with a myriad of primary and secondary emotions. Anger, sadness, frustration, worthlessness, despair, confusion etc... All of which added up to my own personal version of depression. My body has essentially been in shambles from a year solid of pills, hormones, tests, poking, prodding, emotional ups and downs...my body was done. 5 years of trying to have a child had added up. Little did I know I was about to feel it all! Every new baby announcement, every new pregnancy, every baby shower...they add to the chaos and emptiness you are feeling inside. They all made me that much more emotionally exhausted.
Through these past few months I have also realized that it is okay to struggle. It is okay to be mad for a while. It is okay to cry. It is okay to NOT know what you need. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is survive or exist. I understand that this may sound dramatic to many. I even felt like I was being overly dramatic at times, but it was how I was feeling and I eventually had to learn to NOT judge it. I had to learn that my body is not a machine. It is my home and a place I need to take care of. it too needs time to recooperate. I have learned that some things do NOT happen for a reason. I have learned, once again, that having kids does not define the amazing person I am.
I am sitting here thinking about all the men and women going through this. Infertility. (Or any trial you may be facing.) It could be the hardest thing you will have to carry in this life. However you feel you are moving through this journey...know that you are doing the best you can with what you know.
We don't know how the journey will end. We dont know if it will end. The only thing we know is how we felt when we made the steps to begin this journey. We know through the journey there has been peace. We know that we followed that peace and that in and of itself should give us peace.
I know that in these moments of time it is okay not to have the answers. It's okay to allow yourself time to heal and essentially get your ducks in a row and it's okay to take your time. I also know that as we keep moving forward, whatever that means, we will be blessed with even more insight and guidance than before. I know this because the man upstairs has led us here and he'll lead us out.
I also know that right now in these moments all we need is for people not to judge us but to support us. Tell us it's okay to be mad. Because we are already tearing ourselves down inside.
If you have a friend that is going through this trial...be there with them. We don't need people to do for us but to be there with us. To be mad with us. To take our hand when we are scared to death of moving forward because we are hurting so much. Be there to just exist with us.
Time does heal. If we allow it. Let those around you help lift you up. You are worth it. You deserve it. You are amazing. The adversary would have you feel you are drowning in the bitter depths of hell because you are not "dealing appropriately". I am telling you that you are. You are incredible for just being alive and being brave.
Through these last few months there is one thing that has not left me for a second and that is hope. I hope that you too can hang on to the hope that you will come out on top. it may or may not mean having children of your own. But I Hope that you are getting to a place where you can truly be happy. Wherever that may be or what that may look like. You will get there because you have hope.
