You and your hubby are trying EVERYTHING just to have a baby. There have been times when your efforts to have a baby seem to border on obsession. It has been your life's goal your entire married life. Then you have your second failed IVF attempt you look into adoption...it's just not the right timing. You feel it is time to take a long break. You are relieved and feel kind of bad that you are actually happy to put babies on hold(peaceful sigh). Finally some time to just be a normal human and not a skin filled bag of artificial hormones with billions of pin holes. You can allow your body go back to what it does best...find it's own balance.
Fast forward 2 months. You wake up in the middle of the night almost startled because the voice in your head and things your body is doing tell you "You're pregnant." You can't sleep for an hour or so because you are freaking out. You had just decided to go to school (yay) and that you were honestly and truthfully good without kids for now. You had found your peace in the fact that you may not have kids in this life and you were content. A few days later aunt flow doesn't come. Oh crap! Did you really get knocked up on accident!? You are feeling EXHAUSTED! The kind you have felt many times before...among other symptoms. You allow a moment of excitement at the prospect of having a baby within the same year of two of your sisters. It makes you cry because you would love it. But you cannot get too excited because you might jinx it. So you don't.
A week later you go out with your family (still no aunt flow). You are listening to your sisters talk about their babies due later that year and in the back of your mind you are hoping you can join the conversation soon. But wait...what's this...cramps? Maybe they will go away if I will them to. Then the light spotting...well this can be normal for some people in early pregnancy...right?. But the cramps don't go away. Maybe it's them embryo embedding into your uterus. The cramps never get like when you normally start your period so maybe the embryo is really just making itself comfortable in there. (Nice doggy bed.) All the while you are confused as to why you want it to be a pregnancy when you had already decided it was okay not to have babies for now...Anyways. You wake up the next morning and know for sure that either your body is very confused or you miscarried. It sucks this time but you're used to the pain. In fact it's not really pain anymore. It's just normal. You are numb to it. Why did you even think it was a possibility? Silly girl.
I know that while going through the trials in our lives...sometimes they don't sting as much. Hopefully it's because we have grown in our spirituality. We realize that if we allow the adversary in he will use the experiences in life we go through to bring us down to his level. We have power over him. We are strong and we are amazing men and women. We can do hard things. We DO hard things, sometimes daily. We choose to oppose what the world would otherwise tell us is the "right" thing to do or the "correct" way to feel or the "acceptable" way to act in life's situations. We can follow society or the adversary and be angry and mad that hard things happen...life happens. I know that when in our trials we will go to those places of negativity for a minute...we are human. But it is our ability to overcome and persevere that makes us different. It brings us up and closer to our higher power. When we feel the joy and peace from choosing our higher power over the world...we will never want to go back!
