The results are in...

Wednesday and Thursday were a struggle this week.  The hope and peace I had felt were clouded over by doubt.  I was having anxiety that maybe those feelings of hope and peace I had were wrong.  Maybe we were supposed to do a cycle of in-vitro but it wasn't supposed to work. I wouldn't say I was a mess because deep down the underlying feeling was peaceful but it was disheartening.

In the midst of feeling so confused I listened to a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  He talked about how in the moment you decide to move towards God is the same moment that blessings are showered upon you.  He talked about how the light will take over in your life and provide feelings of peace.  He then mentioned how the darkness you felt before will not disappear right away, but gradually, as you continually move towards God.  I felt the truth of those words in that moment.  I knew that I had been feeling the beautiful sunshine of my God's love and in that moment I was feeling the darkness of emotions from so many failed years of trying to conceive.  

Thursday morning rolls around and I am nervous to get my blood drawn or rather nervous to get the results.  On the way there I try to imagine all the anxiety and emotions I was feeling draining out of me and going into a giant balloon.  The balloon filled with many different colors and emotions, past and present.  I gave that balloon to my Savior and had to give myself permission to let him have it.  It was a good exercise for me and allowed me to find the peace and comfort once again.  

A few hours after getting my blood drawn the nurse calls from the doctors office.  I answer and the nurse goes right into telling me my hcg number.  They were a lot higher than I had anticipated.  We were in fact pregnant.  The pregnancy test I took at home wasn't lying.  I was relieved...and then nervous.  

It is amazing how the journey's that we take promote so many different emotions.  In the end the only thing that matters is if you feel peace about your decision.  There is something about going through a trial.  Something so hard it hurts to think about...but in the end the world feels right because you felt peaceful.  

I encourage you to follow that peace.  Seek after it and do what you need to in order to feel it.  In the end of all your life and even at the end of your day.  If you followed the peace, you will be at peace.

As a side note...yes we do know the gender of our child already.  We thank you for respecting our decision to announce the gender when we are ready, in our own way.  When it happens, you can be sure we will post something on this blog.  

Didn't see this one coming!

It's been a while since I last wrote...Here is the latest from the beginning...or September.
Landry and I had decided to really take a break especially since we had that weird month in July where we thought we were pregnant on our own but we weren't.  We weren't going to set a timeline for anything!  I was going back to school and that was all that mattered.  One morning early in September I was driving to work and something sparked my thoughts to the topic of children.  I started thinking about when we were going to try again...not very seriously...until I had this overwhelming feeling that we needed to implant in October.  I literally made it to my office and started crying.  I was content with it just being us and not doing anything about babies for a while if ever again.  I knew we needed to move forward but I didn't want to.  I said a prayer that if this is what needed to happen that Landry would be on the same page.
Fast forward a bit.  It was the weekend of September 11th and I found the time to talk with Landry about the experience I had.  I relayed the feelings to him and I also told him I didn't want to pick the gender this time.  I wanted to give up ALL the "power" possible.  After a long talk we still hadn't come to any firm conclusion but we were both going to continue to think about it.  Less than a week later it was time to make a decision.  We'd need to start medications that week if we were going to implant in October.  (Yes.  For a frozen embryo transfer you are on all sorts of medications for about 6 weeks.)  I knew my answer and when I called Landry for his, he agreed that we needed to move forward.
After six weeks on birth control, lupron shots and estrogen.  A few weeks on progesterone and estrogen, plus a few blood draws and ultrasounds we finally implanted on October 27th, 2016.  We didn't pick the gender of the embryo and sure are glad we didn't.
The day came to implant and we went in for the transfer.  I didn't drink 40oz of water like I drank the year prior because it was so uncomfortable and I didn't want to risk having my bladder drained and pee getting all over the floor and doctor.  Instead I settled on 15 ounces and still had to use the bathroom before we went in.  they gave me some happy pills and took us back to change into the hospital clothes they had for us.  There was one couple before us...then it was out turn.
When you go back they make you really comfortable.  (as comfortable as possible considering you have no pants on.), you essentially confirm that you are who you are a million times to the different doctors and embryologist.  Being on happy pills they could have asked me if I was Mickey Mouse and I would have agreed.  They asked if we wanted to know which embryo they picked and of course we did.  They told us it was a little baby...nah.  We're going to make you wait to find out the gender!  They said the embryo looked nice and plump from it's frozen state.  They gave us babies first photo in embryo form and sucked the embryo up in a tube...then we watched the embryo be what I assume feels like being rocket launched, to the embryo, into my uterus.  (They say it's like putting an embryo in the middle of a peanut butter sandwich so it won't come out when you stand up.)  Then they have you rest the remaining portion of the day.  They have you schedule a blood hcg quantity test for two weeks later.  That is when you find out if it worked.
This time around has been the easiest transfer this far.  We feel really good about this time around.  I tell Landry it is amazing how at peace I am with it.  I don't have the feeling of dread or superstition like I did with some of the other ones.  We have NO idea if this is going to work and it's time for us to have a child...BUT we do know that we are praying for courage to accept His will and obey it whatever it may be.  It will hurt for a time if this didn't pan out, but through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we can have that pain completely taken away!  We must be willing to give it to him.
We were at church and I was thinking about one of my dearest friends who just found out one of her fertility treatments was not successful.  It reminded me of all the times in life that something we want more than anything doesn't work out.  We sang "Abide with me tis eventide" and I started crying.  I KNOW that no matter what we go through our Heavenly Father is there.  He respects us for trying our best and keeping true to the tools and gospel he gave us.  He knows that this life is the hardest thing we will ever do.  He knows us personally.  He knows the intents of our hearts.  He knows what will help us to become the most amazing person, and spirit we can be.  Oftentimes it means going through our own personal hell and back.
My hope is that as we struggle through our insecurities, through our trials and that if we only learn one thing it is this...He is always there with His arms outstretched towards you.  He knows it's hard.  He knows everything about what you are going through...and He can take it all away...if you let Him through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.