Be more gentle with yourself

First things first...two weeks after you find out whether all those shots, pills and drs visits helped produce a child, you get to go in for an ultrasound.  I HATE ultrasounds!  The anxiety the promote within me is incredible.  Any part of my rational mind goes out the window...or at least that's how I feel.  Anyways...
Two weeks after finding out we got a positive pregnancy test we had an ultrasound.  I had Googled how big the embryo should be in millimeters and how fast the heart should be beating...I wanted to go in knowing what the doc is saying when he throws out a bunch of numbers to the nurse on hand. 
We go in and get ready for a trasvaginal ultrasound.  Gross.  The doctor gets in and preface the ultrasound with "there's a 50% chance that there will not be a heartbeat yet."  My heart drops because I want to see a heartbeat.  I want everything to be perfect for once.  He goes in and immediately there's evidence of a pregnancy.  Eventually we see the faint flicker of a heartbeat.  We are reluctantly happy. Still scared for the upcoming measurements to see if the baby is the right size.  He measures the yolk sac...looks good.  He measures what appears to be from head to rump...looks good.  The baby looks perfect in every way possible.  We try to hear the heartbeat which is pretty hard to hear at 6 weeks but there it is...102 beats a minute...perfect.  Relief is an unserstatement.  Nothing like last year where baby was a bit behind in all ways.  we left after scheduling another ultrasound for two more weeks out.   
Fast forward 2 more weeks...we're almost 8 weeks along.  Same emotions only this time i had an emotional breakdown before leaving work and heading to the ultrasound.  I know it's hormones but add anxiety and negative past experiences and I had near a full blown freak out.  What was left of my rational mind helped me realize I was having a panic attack and I was able to talk myself down from the nightmare U had built in my mind. 
We went back quickly to the room and the doctor was even faster into the room this time.  We get down to business...pregnancy evidence...check.  heartbeat...check.  then he measures the baby...the baby is measuring...perfect.  You can tell that it has at least doubled, maybe tripled in size and it's beautiful.  You can see bones forming as well as arms, legs and the spine.  The doctor shows you the embryonic sac and everything he can see.  You almost wish you could watch them grow everyday but would prefer not having ultrasounds everyday.
We have felt an immense amount of support, love and peace.  If anyone reading this is struggling through fertility or another personal matter, know this.  You are loved.  You are prayed for.  You are in the most capable hands.  I know that as you continue taking steps forward in faith,that you will feel uplifted.  You will feel peace that will help you through the toughest times.  I know there will be times of growth and you may feel alone.  I also know it is often because we distance ourselves from the source from which we find peace, comfort and joy.  Remember Him.  Go to Him.  At times all you may be able to do is believe, pray or even hope for His plan.  In those moments that is all that is required of you.  Keep progressing towards becoming better...but remember to be more gentle with yourself.  He loves us and will forgive as we do our best.  Don't criticize or judge your best.  Accept your best and then increase it.  That is all he asks as we go through the trials he gives us.