The moments your mind and body and emotions decide to process through the sadness of failed fertility treatments are often inconvenient and take you off guard. That being said, it is also amazing how over the last 9 years of trying to have children each time a treatment doesn't work, it seems to get easier.
Fast forward to January 2019. We want to try our last embryo but I was asked to lose some weight to see if we could get the last one to stick. I got to the point where I felt healthy and ready to try again. We started the process in February of 2019. This cycle was different from the beginning. I didn't even think about what was going on. I didn't really care. We hadn't told anyone we were doing it. We just felt good about it and so we did it. The day after we implanted I was convinced it worked. My boobs were sore and it just felt...right. I didn't want to get my hopes up though. This 2 week wait was hard but I came to the conclusion that I was happy if it worked and I would be happy if it didn't. A feeling I had never had before. I was truly excited for whatever happened...to be pregnant or to be done with fertility treatments.
The day comes for the beta HCG test. In the back of my mind I was super confused...I felt pregnant but didn't feel I was carrying another spirit with me. I got the phone call from the nurse...She said" Your results came back positive but a weird positive." I said what do you mean by weird? My HCG was at a 10. For those of you who don't know about HCG blood tests anything below a 5 is negative and anything above a 25 is considered positive. I was stuck in the "in between". That meant it was too positive to be negative but too negative to be positive. "I think it's a chemical pregnancy." She said. That felt about right..."So I have to do another HCG test and still take my medications?" I asked. "Yep". Anyways...Long story short...the last embryo was not a success. Beta test 2 days later was at a 2.7 a definite negative.
I know this is short and I am not taking as much time trying to get emotions out...and it is because I am so excited to be DONE with all the fertility treatments. I am excited to raise our little Wynn and spoil the crap our of her because I can. I am excited to figure out who I am not trying to have a baby. I am excited to feel like me again. I have not felt that way for a long time.
When we went in for our last embryo transfer the nurse was talking to us about how scientists are saying that the emotional roller coaster of fertility issues is equivalent to that of cancer. Now I disagree in some ways because for some cancer is a terminal diagnosis. But I do agree in many other ways. You seek out the best care and you FIGHT! You don't give up...until you are ready to radically accept your situation to be yours. You are either done fighting and too tired to continue or you have done all that you can and have realized it is not in your hands anymore and modern medicine has done all it can to help.
The hardest thing I have had to learn through these last 9 years is the following:
I am worthy of the blessings. I am ENOUGH. I know if it was in His will for me, I would have a lot more children. I also know that the my greatest peace has come from having the faith to not receive the righteous desire of my heart. Being a mother to many of His spirit children. Being able to go through this last process with this mind set has changed my life and I will forever be grateful for all that I have learned.
You are ENOUGH
No matter the outcome.
To end this journey, with you all. I would like to say Thank you! Those words don't convey the gratitude we feel towards all of you. Your words of encouragement, love and help in all every way, made this journey possible. We love you!
I hope to think of another topic to write about soon. Until I do, I bid you adieu.
