I am not a mistake

Life is full of all the different emotions.  Happiness, sadness and everything in between.  

Kicking against the pricks

I have been thinking about some things.  One thought, is how we fight against reality and cause ourselves undue stress or pain. 
In the olden days they had a sharp spear like device that they would use to encourage animals along.  The animals would kick when pricked with the spear and as a result the spear would go deeper into their flesh.  This would happen over and over again. 
I was thinking about how we, as humans, do the exact same thing by fighting against things we have no control over. 
When struggling with infertility, I do this hardcore.  One would think that it would be easy to get over the injustice or pain of such a trial, but it's not.  As the Lord essentially guides us with a gentle prick of a guiding spear, we fight it and then the adversary comes in and tells us we deserved the extra pain.  The adversary tells us He purposefully caused the pain because we are not worth the love.
I know that through each trial, we will struggle.  It is expected and frankly, how we grow.  What we can do to prevent extra pain is to accept that we are not in control.  We can also work to rid ourselves of unnecessary pain.  This pain can come in many forms...anxiety, negative self talk, depression, anger etc...  Working on this could be through many avenues, medications, therapy, making a conscious effort to correct our thinking errors when warranted.  Another avenue would be through drawing closer to our higher power even when the dark forces are telling us it is the exact reason we are experiencing pain. 
As we pray to have courage to accept His will, no matter what it may be, He will grant it.  He loves us and creates a feeling of peace.  That peace is what we should follow through our own personal refineries.  If we do, we will come out stronger and more amazing than we could ever imagine. 

It has been a while

Last June, we felt the need to do another round of in-vitro.  We had 2 embryos left and felt it was a good time.  We went through it all...from an HSG test (the second worst pain I have ever felt) to the actual transfer.  Needless to say we were excited to possibly get Wynn a sibling.  A few days before the beta HCG test with the doctor...I knew it hadn't worked.  I was right.  We were sad, but knew we had one left to try and held onto hope for that one last embryo!  I just went on with life and didn't really think about it.  Until other people started announcing their pregnancies and then it hit me that I was, yet again, not able to get and stay pregnant.
The moments your mind and body and emotions decide to process through the sadness of failed fertility treatments are often inconvenient and take you off guard.  That being said, it is also amazing how over the last 9 years of trying to have children each time a treatment doesn't work, it seems to get easier.

Fast forward to January 2019.  We want to try our last embryo but I was asked to lose some weight to see if we could get the last one to stick.  I got to the point where I felt healthy and ready to try again.  We started the process in February of 2019.  This cycle was different from the beginning.  I didn't even think about what was going on.  I didn't really care.  We hadn't told anyone we were doing it.  We just felt good about it and so we did it.  The day after we implanted I was convinced it worked.  My boobs were sore and it just felt...right.  I didn't want to get my hopes up though.  This 2 week wait was hard but I came to the conclusion that I was happy if it worked and I would be happy if it didn't.  A feeling I had never had before.  I was truly excited for whatever happened...to be pregnant or to be done with fertility treatments.
The day comes for the beta HCG test.  In the back of my mind I was super confused...I felt pregnant but didn't feel I was carrying another spirit with me.  I got the phone call from the nurse...She said" Your results came back positive but a weird positive."  I said what do you mean by weird?  My HCG was at a 10.  For those of you who don't know about HCG blood tests anything below a 5 is negative and anything above a 25 is considered positive.  I was stuck in the "in between".  That meant it was too positive to be negative but too negative to be positive.  "I think it's a chemical pregnancy."  She said.  That felt about right..."So I have to do another HCG test and still take my medications?"  I asked. "Yep". Anyways...Long story short...the last embryo was not a success.  Beta test 2 days later was at a 2.7 a definite negative.

I know this is short and I am not taking as much time trying to get emotions out...and it is because I am so excited to be DONE with all the fertility treatments.  I am excited to raise our little Wynn and spoil the crap our of her because I can.  I am excited to figure out who I am not trying to have a baby.  I am excited to feel like me again.  I have not felt that way for a long time.

When we went in for our last embryo transfer the nurse was talking to us about how scientists are saying that the emotional roller coaster of fertility issues is equivalent to that of cancer.  Now I disagree in some ways because for some cancer is a terminal diagnosis.  But I do agree in many other ways.  You seek out the best care and you FIGHT!  You don't give up...until you are ready to radically accept your situation to be yours.  You are either done fighting and too tired to continue or you have done all that you can and have realized it is not in your hands anymore and modern medicine has done all it can to help.

The hardest thing I have had to learn through these last 9 years is the following:
I am worthy of the blessings. I am ENOUGH.  I know if it was in His will for me, I would have a lot more children.  I also know that the my greatest peace has come from having the faith to not receive the righteous desire of my heart.  Being a mother to many of His spirit children.  Being able to go through this last process with this mind set has changed my life and I will forever be grateful for all that I have learned.

For anyone who is struggling with fertility or anything else.  Know this.  I am praying for you.  I ache for you.  I cry with you. I know the pains and the disappointments.  I know the highs and joys.  I know that if you give it your all and follow the peace, you will be guided and led through the refiners fire.

You are ENOUGH
No matter the outcome.


To end this journey, with you all.  I would like to say Thank you!  Those words don't convey the gratitude we feel towards all of you.  Your words of encouragement, love and help in all every way, made this journey possible.  We love you!

I hope to think of another topic to write about soon.  Until I do, I bid you adieu.

6 weeks

The last six weeks have actually brought about some internal conflict that I was not expecting.
Let me start with parenting is hard work.  I think everyone realizes that but nobody understands it until it's here.  Little to no sleep, recovering from having a baby, trying to figure out baby's cues and noises without going to the emergency room every time they hold their breath because they are still learning to breathe.  It is one of the most anxiety provoking experiences I have ever experienced. 
That being said I have felt like I am not allowed to feel these emotions because I am supposed to be happy ALL THE TIME because I now have what so many are still seeking...What I had been seeking with all my heart.  This is not humanly possible. 
For the first few weeks I was feeling a sense of guilt every time I was not enjoying a particularly trying moment with my newborn.  I was beating myself up because I had a baby and I didn't appreciate her.  One day I realized what was truly WRONG was that way of thinking! I do appreciate her.  In fact I actually love her...a lot and I am grateful she is here in my life!  BUT I am also human.  I had this unwritten rule that I would never complain.  I was not giving myself permission to be human. 
My point is this.  Even if you struggle to bring a child into the world you are allowed to find parenting challenging.  You are still human.  Give yourself permission to struggle and to not enjoy being a parent at times.  Give yourself permission to be imperfect.  Give yourself permission to be human.  Give yourself permission to do all you can in those moments and then stand back and say...that was hard and I did that. Give yourself permission and be more gentle with yourself. 

This is our little Wynn.

June 26, 2017

June 26th, 2017.  It was a normal day.  I got up and went to work.  In the middle of the day I looked down at my belly and said "You are coming aren't you?"  I had a feeling but didn't think much of it as we technically had 2 weeks until our scheduled c section.  I even remember telling my boss about the pile of things on my desk I wanted to get in order before the baby came so that the people doing my job while I was gone would have an easier time.  Oops. 

Later that night my husband and I snuggled down to watch the Bachelorette.  I decided to take a shower after the bachelorette because it relaxes me and helps me sleep better.  After that our upstairs neighbors invited us outside for a bit before we retired to bed.  I needed to use the bathroom one more time to ensure optimal time outside before I would have to pee again.  Upon standing after using the toilet I noticed I was getting wet all over my lower body.  I quickly ruled out the shower being on and peeing on myself as there couldn't have been that much pee left inside me, and I realized my water had just broken! It was 9pm. The emotions that followed were a mixture.  I am pretty sure I was laughing, swearing and walking around without a clue what to do next.  I decided I probably needed to tell Landry so I walked outside and said " Umm...are you ready to have a baby?  Because my water just broke." 

Landry was surprised, as was I, and we eventually got our heads on straight, grabbed our belongings and headed to the hospital.  Luckily my hospital bag was already packed.  (side note...you don't need as much as you think you do at the hospital.) 

We made the 15 minute drive to the Hospital, calling our families on the way to inform them that this baby was coming!  We got to the hospital, they got me settled in the triage room and when they tested to see if it was in fact my water that had broken it was a definite YES!  A million questions, a few doctors visiting and a quick hack job shave later we were ready for our c section and to meet our little girl. 

They didn't make me walk into the operating room because they didn't want my water trailing all through the hospital so they wheeled me in.  It took about 15 minutes to get my spinal and situated on the table for my husband to come in.  May I say that the morphine they put in the spinal was not my favorite but it was the reason my nerves were calm.  Anyways...they put up a clear drapery as we wanted to watch the c section and actually see our little peanut be born.  I was out of it but tried to watch as much as possible.  It was surreal.  Everything went as planned and at 11:15 our little lady entered the world.  It was incredible.  While I felt out of sorts I still remember the feeling of her entering the room.  Her spirit was strong and so peaceful. 

It took them a while to be able to get her to me.  She needed some assistance breathing as she had a lot of fluid in her lungs.  Eventually they brought her to me and laid her on my chest, skin to skin.  I couldn't really see her face but feeling her near me and realizing that she was ours was incredible. 

All in all the whole experience was a whirlwind.  It was our whirlwind and I wouldn't have changed it for anything. 

We were up for over 24 hours and the next day was a struggle to try and help her eat as well as stay awake and do all that goes with having a new baby.  It was exhausting and so beautiful.  A beautiful chaos.

We thank everyone who has supported us in this process.  It has been a long journey.  I realize for some it's a longer journey.  I still think about you all daily.  It is a journey that molds you.  One that I will never forget.  I still pray for those who are doing all they can to bring miracles into the world.  You will never be alone.

Anxiously waiting!

The day before she surprised us and came.

Wrapped around her finger already.

28 and on

Here is 28 weeks to 37 weeks in a nutshell. 
Around 28 weeks I started getting back pain on my right side under my ribs.  I thought it was my ribs expanding until at 30 weeks it got worse.  I realized the pain coincided with eating.  The nurses said it sounded like gallbladder issues.  I ended up at the ER in Newport California 2 days into our 10 day trip.  They monitored baby and sent me home...very helpful. 
The day we got home from our fun filled trip, we went in for an ultrasound on my gallbaldder...no stones.  They sent me to a surgeon who works with gallbladders and I was too far long to do surgery and the next test to check my gallbladder would have to wait until after the birth of baby.  (It involves injecting radioactive dye into my body and we didn't want my baby to come out with Spiderman qualities.) I was in so much pain with no answers except to wait it out. 
Luckily about 4 weeks in total, the pain went away on its own.  Once the pain subsided the rest of the pregnancy went well.  Swollen feet and body with a side of heartburn and blurry eyes we're all that I needed to figure out. 
I was lucky and blessed to have a healthy and perfect pregnancy.  Not to brag but I couldn't have asked for a better experience from my perspective. 
My family and coworkers probably didn't have a pleasant experience as I was an irritable pregnant lady.  I lost my filter and didn't care.  Hopefully I can find it again!  In the end we're all alive and well. 

28 weeks

We are now 28 weeks and doing well.  I love everything about being pregnant! That is a lie bit even the stuff that is uncomfortable has a positive take for me.  I'm weird and okay with that:) 
Baby is doing well...from what we know.  We're on the downhill slope.  Less than 11 weeks they will take her out via c section and the crazy will begin. 
She moves a lot and loves ice cream and doughnuts.  I make her eat veggies and fruit and water first:)  we ate a whole watermelon (almost a whole one) this week and loved every bite! 
The weeks are flying by.  School is over on May 2nd and I'm glad.  We're going to California and then baby will be here. 
There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for this miracle. 
I think of you on their journey and I pray for you.  I know the rollercoaster you are on.  I respect you as it is rough.  Be strong and draw closer to Him.  It is the most peaceful way. 

What did it teach you?

I heard a quote this last week that made me think about life.  The person said " think about what the experience? (or trial) taught you.  Not what it took from you." 
I've been thinking about this for a while.  I remember being in the midst of all the infertility stuff, thinking that it was unfair the opportunity to be a parent kept being taken from me.  It made it so hard!  I remember praying that we wouldn't get pg unless it was time.  Then another miscarriage.   It felt like I was being presented a child on a silver platter and then when we would miscarry it was being taken away because I wasn't qualified or good enough. 
I know in life we all go through something that makes us feel this way.  I don't think in the moment we are supposed to immediately react in acceptance of the trial.  I think it is natural to go to a place of negativity.  That being said, it is not intended for us to stay in that place for long.  When we do stay in the shade, as I did for what felt like years, it allows for the adversary to plant roots and flourish.  This is when our hearts are hardened towards the warmth and sunlight of the love of Christ. 

My main purpose in writing this blog, besides to share our fertility journey, is to hopefully help someone who is going where I went.  I was never a bad person, I never really doubted the truthfulness of the gospel but I did doubt my divinity as a child of God.  I was in this place because I looked at what was being "taken" from me and it led me into a slow but steady downward spiral. 
Going through trials is an important part of life.  Hopefully we can come out stronger and with more faith in how divine we are!  The adversary will do all he can to make us feel the opposite, that we are unworthy, hopeless, bad and essentially the scum of the earth.  He thrives on that misery. 
I write today because I know that we can eliminate the power we give the adversary if we are aware of what he is doing.  I was convinced that I was not a mom because I was not loved by my Heavenly Father.  He didn't want to bless me because I wasn't reading my scriptures daily or praying two times a day etc... While I tried to battle those thoughts because I knew they weren't true deep down, it made me mad and brought me down.  It hardened my heart. 
This place where you question your divinity is not from our Heavenly Father.  I know that it feels justified because we are human and feel guilty for not being perfect... that guilt is not of God either.  I also know that when you can pull yourself out of these shady places and return to the warm arms of a loving Heavenly Father, that is where you will find the peace you are looking for.  It will take time and effort and prayer.  I promise it is worth it.  I know that he doesn't expect us to be happy and joyful and to skip our way through any trial we have but, He expects us to struggle and hopes that we return to him where the atonement can be applied and the burdens we carry can be taken from us.  The struggle is real and it is part of the learning process.  Through the struggle is where our faith is tried to extremes and then strengthened beyond our capacity to realize if we can find the sun. 

I know these things are true.  I know that we are supposed to question.  We are supposed to struggle.  I know that he is never far away.  I know that when we struggle the darkness will slowly creep in.  We are to be tried as Adam and Eve were in the garden, nothing has changed from that.  Just like Adam and Eve, we are being watched over.  It is still our decision and job to get back to him but it can begin as a simple desire.  That desire can light a fire and allow us to feel the assurance of our divinity in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.  I KNOW this to be true.  I know because I have seen it in my own life.  I know it is sometimes hard to find that desire to draw near unto Him when we feel abandoned. That is a feeling from the adversary.   To that I say pray for that desire.  I know He will help.  Have a frank conversation (prayer) with Him about all you are struggling with, all you need, your fears, anxieties, weaknesses, strengths, EVERYTHING.  I know He will help you. Oftentimes it is a simple peace that you are on the right path.   It may not happen over night, but a frozen heart can takes some time to thaw out. 

You are normal and you are His.  He loves you.  No matter how far you feel you are away from Him.  He doesn't expect you to be perfect...just on your way back to Him.  That starts with a mustard seed of desire. 

Grateful

This week I took the blood glucose test and had my iron checked.  Everything looked good...I'm guessing as the dr never called me to tell me otherwise. 
We are likely going to have her a week early,on July 8th, as I will be having a c section due to some pre existing health conditions that make it scary to try and push a baby out. Dr's dont want you to go into labor if you're having a c section.  It will be cool to go in and know you'll have a baby a few hours later.  Scary but cool.
 
I've been filled with even more gratitude that grows daily. First  for being able to be pregnant and second to be having an easy pregnancy this far.  I still have anxiety daily that this isn't going to be.  I don't think the anxiety is due to a lack of faith.  I think it's having gone through a tramatic experience.  This experience changed me.  I will never forget all I have learned through these last 6 plus years. I will never take any of this for granted.  I know our little lady is a miracle.  A miracle that I don't know why I get to experience right now and not another.  It's actually quite intimidating to think of all the amazing people I know who are waiting and working towards the hope of a miracle of their own.  To you I say there is not a day that goes by I don't think of You!  I look at my tummy and silently pray that you too will get to experience this in whatever way is in His will for you.  I love you and respect you. I know in my own way what you are going through.  I also know that this struggle has nothing to do with who you are right now.  That is not how it works.  You are already amazing and destined to be a force to be reckoned with.  Keep your chin up.  He loves you and is pleased with you. THAT is all that matters!
P.s.  if you wonder what a c section is like...youtube has a video that explains everything...pretty amazing! 

It's been a while

This last little while has been...in a word...interesting.  I have struggle with being able to completely enjoy this journey in some ways because I feel I am being insensitive to those who are still on their journey to having children.  This is the reason I only share via my blog.  I want to still be as sensitive as possible to those who are on their journey. 

This post is going to be my way to enjoy this journey and to challenge my thoughts of my sharing being insensitive.

There have been some things that have been easy about pregnancy and some things that have been challenging.  The most challenging thing is the irritability!  I have always been an emotional  person but being pregnant my filter is GONE and I feel out of control at times.  I remind myself that it is hormones and it helps but it seems so real and warranted in the moment! 

Most all other things I enjoy...honestly.  I love my growing belly, I love to feel baby move and kick.  Just this week Landry was able to feel her move.  It was great!  She is becoming more and more active.  I have felt her move since 12 weeks.  Early, I know.  I love feeling her moves get more and more frequent and strong.  I love when people ask me if I am pregnant...which has only happened once as I am not showing a ton yet.   I know that I am only halfway but so far it has been a great ride.  I know that the body changes will get more dramatic and I will  be uncomfortable but in the end I LOVE being able to feel this little lady's spirit and energy.  This miracle inside me. 

Tomorrow will mark 20 weeks of pregnancy.  We are at a point that we worry less each day and get more excited to meet our little girl.  Today we had our mid pregnancy ultrasound.  It was a little nerve wrecking to start as we went into the same room where we found out about some of our miscarriages.  That feeling quickly dissipated as the technician began and our baby came into view.  The technician explained all the measurements and what we were looking at.  After a little walking and some rolling from side to side to get the little lady in the right positions we got all the information and photos we needed.  The technician said she looked great!  Our due date is still July 15th and then the visit was over.  It was such a wonderful, dreamlike experience as she moved wiggled and rolled.  She sucked her thumb in one photo and  at another the technician was trying to measure one of her feet but she had a hold of with her hand.  The technician was able to gently nudge her into taking her hand off her foot long enough to get a picture of her perfect little foot.  In the end we were happy to see her little profile and to find out that she was in fact a girl.  We feel so grateful to be a part of this experience.  We were relieved to hear that baby Reynolds looked good. 
Here are some photos of today and the last few months.

19 weeks 6 days ^

 

Baby Reynolds Profile^

Baby Reynolds Feet...She showed us both of her feet after letting go of her one foot for the photo.^

We appreciate all the prayers, love, support, and all the amazing people we are surrounded by.  We look forward to raising our child with the same wonderful people in her life. 

Words cannot describe how this journey has changed us and we are ready for the changes ahead.  We know what it is like to be on the opposite end, wanting, waiting and hoping.  Feeling unworthy of children or that we didn't deserve them.  An experience like this changes one FOREVER.  It is a refiners fire like nothing some will ever experience.  I hope that those of you waiting, hoping and wanting know just how much I truly feel for you.  There is nothing comparable to the dark road of infertility.  Nothing can fill the empty feelings and the self doubt and all the things that come with trying to have children.  I know and understand the sting.  I pray that you will feel the peace and see the blessings that do come even in the darkest of times.  Follow the peaceful feelings you have and I know you will find even more peace in knowing you did His will. 

I had a hard time writing out the second part of this post.  I have come to find that with being pregnant I am trying to find myself again.  I have been the infertile woman who miscarries for so long that I don't really know who I am or will be if and when this pregnancy carries full term.  I want everyone to know that my heart aches for those of you who have gone through this life and especially this holiday season aching for a child.  I know for the last 2 years we have been recovering or working through miscarriages during the holiday season.  I know how it feels to go to a Christmas party and multiple family members announce their pregnancies.  I know what it feels like to try and smile and be happy during the holidays but secretly ache for a child to add to the chaos.  My heart goes out to you!  You are strong.  You are amazing.  You are some of the only people who can make it through such heartache and come out on top.  I love you and I know that you are being prayed for... I'm sure many people who love you.  I hope that you can find yourself in the midst of this trial and not as infertile but as strength, love, courage, perseverance and many other amazing qualities.  Find you...because you are a light to many.  You are an example of patience and meekness to many. 

I have decided not to post things directly on facebook unless they are through this blog.  This way those who would like to know about our progress can read the blog...those who are not in a place (which i completely understand) to read about our story don't have to.   

This last week on December 30th we went in to the doctors office and heard the baby's heartbeat.  It was at 162.  Baby is looking good and we are now just over12 weeks.  We are officially the furthest along we have ever been.  We are hopeful and will go in at 14 weeks for another heartbeat check.  Then again at 16 weeks.  After that we will be able to go in monthly to see how baby GIRL Reynolds is growing.  Yes...it is a girl and she is doing well.  At 9.5 weeks she measured 10 weeks...maybe she will be tall.  We will keep you posted as we see needed.  We love you all and appreciate your support and love. 

It's a...

I had a hard time writing out the second part of this post.  I have come to find that with being pregnant I am trying to find myself again.  I have been the infertile woman who miscarries for so long that I don't really know who I am or will be if and when this pregnancy carries full term.  I want everyone to know that my heart aches for those of you who have gone through this life and especially this holiday season aching for a child.  I know for the last 2 years we have been recovering or working through miscarriages.  I know how it feels to go to a Christmas party and multiple family members announce their pregnancies.  I know what it feels like to try and smile and be happy during the holidays but secretly ache for a child to add to the chaos.  My heart goes out to you!  You are strong.  You are amazing.  You are some of the only people who can make it through such heartache and come out on top.  I love you and I know that you are being prayed for by me...and I'm sure many other people.  I hope that you can find yourself in the midst of this trial and not as infertile but as strength, love, courage, perseverance and many other amazing qualities.  Find you...because you are a light to many.  You are an example of patience and meekness to many. 
I have decided not to post things on facebook unless they are through this blog.  This way those who would like to know about our progress can read the blog...those who are not in a place yet to read about our story don't have to.   



This last week on December 30th we went in to the doctors office and heard the baby's heartbeat.  It was at 162.  Baby is looking good and we are now just over 12 weeks.  We are officially the furthest along we have ever been.  We are hopeful and will go in at 14 weeks for another heartbeat check.  Then again at 16 weeks.  After that we will be able to go in monthly to see how baby GIRL Reynolds is growing.  Yes...it is a girl and she is doing well.  At 9.5 weeks she measured 10 weeks...maybe she will be tall.  We will keep you posted as we see needed.  We love you all and appreciate your support and love. 

Be more gentle with yourself

First things first...two weeks after you find out whether all those shots, pills and drs visits helped produce a child, you get to go in for an ultrasound.  I HATE ultrasounds!  The anxiety the promote within me is incredible.  Any part of my rational mind goes out the window...or at least that's how I feel.  Anyways...
Two weeks after finding out we got a positive pregnancy test we had an ultrasound.  I had Googled how big the embryo should be in millimeters and how fast the heart should be beating...I wanted to go in knowing what the doc is saying when he throws out a bunch of numbers to the nurse on hand. 
We go in and get ready for a trasvaginal ultrasound.  Gross.  The doctor gets in and preface the ultrasound with "there's a 50% chance that there will not be a heartbeat yet."  My heart drops because I want to see a heartbeat.  I want everything to be perfect for once.  He goes in and immediately there's evidence of a pregnancy.  Eventually we see the faint flicker of a heartbeat.  We are reluctantly happy. Still scared for the upcoming measurements to see if the baby is the right size.  He measures the yolk sac...looks good.  He measures what appears to be from head to rump...looks good.  The baby looks perfect in every way possible.  We try to hear the heartbeat which is pretty hard to hear at 6 weeks but there it is...102 beats a minute...perfect.  Relief is an unserstatement.  Nothing like last year where baby was a bit behind in all ways.  we left after scheduling another ultrasound for two more weeks out.   
Fast forward 2 more weeks...we're almost 8 weeks along.  Same emotions only this time i had an emotional breakdown before leaving work and heading to the ultrasound.  I know it's hormones but add anxiety and negative past experiences and I had near a full blown freak out.  What was left of my rational mind helped me realize I was having a panic attack and I was able to talk myself down from the nightmare U had built in my mind. 
We went back quickly to the room and the doctor was even faster into the room this time.  We get down to business...pregnancy evidence...check.  heartbeat...check.  then he measures the baby...the baby is measuring...perfect.  You can tell that it has at least doubled, maybe tripled in size and it's beautiful.  You can see bones forming as well as arms, legs and the spine.  The doctor shows you the embryonic sac and everything he can see.  You almost wish you could watch them grow everyday but would prefer not having ultrasounds everyday.
We have felt an immense amount of support, love and peace.  If anyone reading this is struggling through fertility or another personal matter, know this.  You are loved.  You are prayed for.  You are in the most capable hands.  I know that as you continue taking steps forward in faith,that you will feel uplifted.  You will feel peace that will help you through the toughest times.  I know there will be times of growth and you may feel alone.  I also know it is often because we distance ourselves from the source from which we find peace, comfort and joy.  Remember Him.  Go to Him.  At times all you may be able to do is believe, pray or even hope for His plan.  In those moments that is all that is required of you.  Keep progressing towards becoming better...but remember to be more gentle with yourself.  He loves us and will forgive as we do our best.  Don't criticize or judge your best.  Accept your best and then increase it.  That is all he asks as we go through the trials he gives us. 

The results are in...

Wednesday and Thursday were a struggle this week.  The hope and peace I had felt were clouded over by doubt.  I was having anxiety that maybe those feelings of hope and peace I had were wrong.  Maybe we were supposed to do a cycle of in-vitro but it wasn't supposed to work. I wouldn't say I was a mess because deep down the underlying feeling was peaceful but it was disheartening.

In the midst of feeling so confused I listened to a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  He talked about how in the moment you decide to move towards God is the same moment that blessings are showered upon you.  He talked about how the light will take over in your life and provide feelings of peace.  He then mentioned how the darkness you felt before will not disappear right away, but gradually, as you continually move towards God.  I felt the truth of those words in that moment.  I knew that I had been feeling the beautiful sunshine of my God's love and in that moment I was feeling the darkness of emotions from so many failed years of trying to conceive.  

Thursday morning rolls around and I am nervous to get my blood drawn or rather nervous to get the results.  On the way there I try to imagine all the anxiety and emotions I was feeling draining out of me and going into a giant balloon.  The balloon filled with many different colors and emotions, past and present.  I gave that balloon to my Savior and had to give myself permission to let him have it.  It was a good exercise for me and allowed me to find the peace and comfort once again.  

A few hours after getting my blood drawn the nurse calls from the doctors office.  I answer and the nurse goes right into telling me my hcg number.  They were a lot higher than I had anticipated.  We were in fact pregnant.  The pregnancy test I took at home wasn't lying.  I was relieved...and then nervous.  

It is amazing how the journey's that we take promote so many different emotions.  In the end the only thing that matters is if you feel peace about your decision.  There is something about going through a trial.  Something so hard it hurts to think about...but in the end the world feels right because you felt peaceful.  

I encourage you to follow that peace.  Seek after it and do what you need to in order to feel it.  In the end of all your life and even at the end of your day.  If you followed the peace, you will be at peace.

As a side note...yes we do know the gender of our child already.  We thank you for respecting our decision to announce the gender when we are ready, in our own way.  When it happens, you can be sure we will post something on this blog.  

Didn't see this one coming!

It's been a while since I last wrote...Here is the latest from the beginning...or September.
Landry and I had decided to really take a break especially since we had that weird month in July where we thought we were pregnant on our own but we weren't.  We weren't going to set a timeline for anything!  I was going back to school and that was all that mattered.  One morning early in September I was driving to work and something sparked my thoughts to the topic of children.  I started thinking about when we were going to try again...not very seriously...until I had this overwhelming feeling that we needed to implant in October.  I literally made it to my office and started crying.  I was content with it just being us and not doing anything about babies for a while if ever again.  I knew we needed to move forward but I didn't want to.  I said a prayer that if this is what needed to happen that Landry would be on the same page.
Fast forward a bit.  It was the weekend of September 11th and I found the time to talk with Landry about the experience I had.  I relayed the feelings to him and I also told him I didn't want to pick the gender this time.  I wanted to give up ALL the "power" possible.  After a long talk we still hadn't come to any firm conclusion but we were both going to continue to think about it.  Less than a week later it was time to make a decision.  We'd need to start medications that week if we were going to implant in October.  (Yes.  For a frozen embryo transfer you are on all sorts of medications for about 6 weeks.)  I knew my answer and when I called Landry for his, he agreed that we needed to move forward.
After six weeks on birth control, lupron shots and estrogen.  A few weeks on progesterone and estrogen, plus a few blood draws and ultrasounds we finally implanted on October 27th, 2016.  We didn't pick the gender of the embryo and sure are glad we didn't.
The day came to implant and we went in for the transfer.  I didn't drink 40oz of water like I drank the year prior because it was so uncomfortable and I didn't want to risk having my bladder drained and pee getting all over the floor and doctor.  Instead I settled on 15 ounces and still had to use the bathroom before we went in.  they gave me some happy pills and took us back to change into the hospital clothes they had for us.  There was one couple before us...then it was out turn.
When you go back they make you really comfortable.  (as comfortable as possible considering you have no pants on.), you essentially confirm that you are who you are a million times to the different doctors and embryologist.  Being on happy pills they could have asked me if I was Mickey Mouse and I would have agreed.  They asked if we wanted to know which embryo they picked and of course we did.  They told us it was a little baby...nah.  We're going to make you wait to find out the gender!  They said the embryo looked nice and plump from it's frozen state.  They gave us babies first photo in embryo form and sucked the embryo up in a tube...then we watched the embryo be what I assume feels like being rocket launched, to the embryo, into my uterus.  (They say it's like putting an embryo in the middle of a peanut butter sandwich so it won't come out when you stand up.)  Then they have you rest the remaining portion of the day.  They have you schedule a blood hcg quantity test for two weeks later.  That is when you find out if it worked.
This time around has been the easiest transfer this far.  We feel really good about this time around.  I tell Landry it is amazing how at peace I am with it.  I don't have the feeling of dread or superstition like I did with some of the other ones.  We have NO idea if this is going to work and it's time for us to have a child...BUT we do know that we are praying for courage to accept His will and obey it whatever it may be.  It will hurt for a time if this didn't pan out, but through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we can have that pain completely taken away!  We must be willing to give it to him.
We were at church and I was thinking about one of my dearest friends who just found out one of her fertility treatments was not successful.  It reminded me of all the times in life that something we want more than anything doesn't work out.  We sang "Abide with me tis eventide" and I started crying.  I KNOW that no matter what we go through our Heavenly Father is there.  He respects us for trying our best and keeping true to the tools and gospel he gave us.  He knows that this life is the hardest thing we will ever do.  He knows us personally.  He knows the intents of our hearts.  He knows what will help us to become the most amazing person, and spirit we can be.  Oftentimes it means going through our own personal hell and back.
My hope is that as we struggle through our insecurities, through our trials and that if we only learn one thing it is this...He is always there with His arms outstretched towards you.  He knows it's hard.  He knows everything about what you are going through...and He can take it all away...if you let Him through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.

Who are we?

You and your hubby are trying EVERYTHING just to have a baby.  There have been times when your efforts to have a baby seem to border on obsession.  It has been your life's goal your entire married life.  Then you have your second failed IVF attempt you look into adoption...it's just not the right timing.  You feel it is time to take a long break.  You are relieved and feel kind of bad that you are actually happy to put babies on hold(peaceful sigh).  Finally some time to just be a normal human and not a skin filled bag of artificial hormones with billions of pin holes.  You can allow your body go back to what it does best...find it's own balance. 
Fast forward 2 months.  You wake up in the middle of the night almost startled because the voice in your head and things your body is doing tell you "You're pregnant."  You can't sleep for an hour or so because you are freaking out.  You had just decided to go to school (yay) and that you were honestly and truthfully good without kids for now.  You had found your peace in the fact that you may not have kids in this life and you were content.  A few days later aunt flow doesn't come.  Oh crap!  Did you really get knocked up on accident!?   You are feeling EXHAUSTED!  The kind you have felt many times before...among other symptoms.  You allow a moment of excitement at the prospect of having a baby within the same year of two of your sisters.  It makes you cry because you would love it.  But you cannot get too excited because you might jinx it.  So you don't.
A week later you go out with your family (still no aunt flow).  You are listening to your sisters talk about their babies due later that year and in the back of your mind you are hoping you can join the conversation soon.  But wait...what's this...cramps?  Maybe they will go away if I will them to. Then the light spotting...well this can be normal for some people in early pregnancy...right?.  But the cramps don't go away.  Maybe it's them embryo embedding into your uterus.  The cramps never get like when you normally start your period so maybe the embryo is really just making itself comfortable in there.  (Nice doggy bed.)  All the while you are confused as to why you want it to be a pregnancy when you had already decided it was okay not to have babies for now...Anyways.  You wake up the next morning and know for sure that either your body is very confused or you miscarried.  It sucks this time but you're used to the pain.  In fact it's not really pain anymore.  It's just normal.  You are numb to it.  Why did you even think it was a possibility?  Silly girl. 

I know that while going through the trials in our lives...sometimes they don't sting as much.  Hopefully it's because we have grown in our spirituality.  We realize that if we allow the adversary in he will use the experiences in life we go through to bring us down to his level.  We have power over him.  We are strong and we are amazing men and women.  We can do hard things.  We DO hard things, sometimes daily.  We choose to oppose what the world would otherwise tell us is the "right" thing to do or the "correct" way to feel or the "acceptable" way to act in life's situations.  We can follow society or the adversary and be angry and mad that hard things happen...life happens.  I know that when in our trials we will go to those places of negativity for a minute...we are human.  But it is our ability to overcome and persevere that makes us different.  It brings us up and closer to our higher power.  When we feel the joy and peace from choosing our higher power over the world...we will never want to go back! 

Making lemonade out of life

I heard a story of a woman who wanted to make lemonade fresh from her tree.  She picked the perfect lemons and squeezed each of them by hand.  She carefully added the perfect amount of sugar.  To her surprise the lemonade was not refreshing but potently sourand lacking something.  She thought about what was missing and realized an important ingredient was water.  Once she added water a little at a time she found the lemonade became delicious to the taste, erasing the initial shock of just lemon juice and sugar.
I thought about life and how each of us are given lemons.  We aren't given a recipe on how to use or navigate these lemons.  We use trial and error in order to find what works.  What I have been thinking about is how we don't have to figure it out alone. 
I was reading a hymn, number 185.  It is the only hymn written from the perspective of the Savior.  In the 3rd verse it says"in the solemn faith of prayer cast upon me all thy care, and my spirit's grace shall be like a fountain unto thee."
In our trials is it normal for us to pull away from our higher power because he is supposed to be there protecting us...right?  Maybe we are tasting lemons because we deserve it. 
I am here to tell you that we can cast our cares on the Lord.  We can talk to Him as if he is there beside us and lay it out to Him.  He wants us to!  When we do this He will give us His spirit. 
This last round of IVF we did I had changed my prayers.  I asked that if it wasn't meant to work that He would bless us with peace in the outcome.  I can honestly tell you that He did! 
Our higher power can make the lemons sweet.  It is up to us to add the water through our decision to draw nearer to Him in the times when we may be most angry with Him. 
I know in those moments of refining we feel like we're inadequate in many ways.  I am here to tell you that you are not inadequate!  We are using trial and error to find the recipe that works!
I encourage you to learn how to draw upon the sweetness of the spirit and the living water of the gospel to make even the most sour lemons into the sweetest lemonade.  Doing so will not change the fact that lemons are sour but it will make them more tolerable.
I know we will never enjoy the process of making lemonade, but it will become easier.  We will learn to adjust the sweetness and water as needed.  We will be able to look back and say "for how horrible those lemons were...that lemonade was pretty good" 
You are capable.  You are amazing.  You are strong and you are loved.  He loves you.  I know that is true.  Cast upon Him all thy cares and you will feel His love.  Put it to the test.  All you have to lose is the bitterness of life's lemons.  

This brought me peace. I hope you feel it too.

http://tofw.com/blogs/one-more-day-with-him

Third times a charm?

Today we got the results of our second implantation...negative.  it sucks but not as hard as miscarrying. 
We decided to not tell anyone this time because it was hard to tell everyone last time.  Once you thought everyone knew...another one creeped out and we had to tell yet another person. 
We decided to follow the Dr's suggestion this time and only implanted one embryo.  A little boy.  He wasn't meant to be.  We have 2 boys and a girl in the bank still.  We're hoping on at least one of them. 
It was really interesting how both Landry and I knew the results before they called us.  We had a sense of peace.  I didn't like it because I knew what it meant.  At the same time we were okay with the answer we got. 
I know that the Father supports us ESPECIALLY when we struggle. 
We are blessed with 3 more embryos and are not sure when they'll get used, but I do know they are ours and for that we are grateful. 
Thank you for the support.  We know you are supporting us.  Even without words. 
As of right now we are hoping that the third times a charm:) 

Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative.

I have recently realized that as we go through trials positive thoughts, or feelings rarely cross our minds.  Why is it?  I think it is in part because we were taught if we we're "righteous"  or " good" that we'd be given all  blessings.  What we don't realize is that we are never promised those said blessings in this life.  We go through life doing good and expecting the blessings to immediately or shortly thereafter follow.  I know that through our trials sometimes the only blessing we get is peace and assurance.  Eventually we come to realize that peace and assurance, however they come, are blessings in and of themselves.   

I work in a hospital for women with eating disorders. It can be a very negative place to work.  Some of these women have the most intense self hatred, self doubt and negative thinking about themselves.  They believe that if they lose a few more pounds they will be made whole in one way or another.  It is a daily war on the adversary.  One thing I have learned that has impacted me most is that being positive can change your life!  This small mental adjustment can change your life. 

It is also important for us to be able to distinguish between our emotions and our thoughts.  Our thoughts are what often become skewed in our desire to understand why we are not receiving that specific blessing.  Our minds will often tell us,  I am not having a child or getting married or I struggle because I am... not praying daily, not attending church, have messed up in the past. etc...  Sometimes it's more physical.  I am not getting this blessing because I am not taking care of my body or I was given this body because I am not loved or I am being punished for...  Whatever our mind is telling us we have to make sure we keep it in check.  The adversary WILL and does use our thoughts against us on a daily basis.  Especially in times of struggle.  On a normal day we usually dismiss these thoughts and go on with our day.  When we are going through something hard, these thoughts become truths.  

After every miscarriage my mind ALWAYS goes back to...you are not righteous enough.  Your body is broken, you are not a woman and your husband should marry someone else who can give him children.  I truly believed these things.  My inability to keep a pregnancy made me unworthy of love.  I was being punished for not doing what I was always told to do in order to receive blessings...or so I thought.  I knew it wasn't true in my heart even though in my upset mind it made complete sense.  My head was full of self depreciating thoughts but my heart was trying to tell me otherwise.  Eventually I got tired of feeling and being so negative.  I wanted to get back to who I was before.  I decided a change needed to happen.  Every time I had a self depreciating thought I would remind myself who that came from and that it wasn't true.  At first it was rough.  The thoughts wouldn't stop and they started to sound truthful.  Overtime it became more easy to counter those negative thoughts.  I started to actually believe the positive thoughts about myself and better yet, my thoughts were becoming more positive on their own!  I will never be the same person I was before we started this journey to have children.  I am okay with that because I am happy with who I am now even though I don't have children yet.    

Every person has a natural tendency to dwell on negativity.  It seems easier in the moment or maybe we don't notice the darkness seeping into our lives.  Getting to a positive place takes that little mustard seed.  Plant it, take care of it and it WILL grow!  I know that this life is full of injustices.  It is full of sorrow and horrible things.  I also know that life is BEAUTIFUL!  I know that each of us have an innate power to overcome the negativity when it unfolds in life.  If during our most negative moments we allow ourselves the thought that maybe we are wrong, a seed will be planted.  That seed will grow and we will have a garden so dense that negativity cannot contain it.

I encourage you to accentuate the positive.  Remember how you would treat someone going through a similar experience and then treat YOURSELF the same.  Anything that does not uplift or help you is NOT from you higher power.  It is from the one being who will never have a body.  His only mission is to make your life Hell.  He will use whatever means are necessary!  The more you counteract his dark arts the stronger you get.  I know that you are more powerful.  I know that as you counteract the negative with the positive you will become who you want to be.  You will be happy.  You will have the power to change lives.  You are amazing!