Painted picture

This month is infertility and child loss awareness month.  My heart goes out to anyone who is trying to have a baby and has struggled for any length of time.  Whether you have children, or not, it is hard to want a child and not have it come easily or at all.  To those of you still venturing on this "lovely" road...keep on truckin".  For those of you who are wondering what it is like to bare they burden of infertility let me draw you a picture.  

Imagine, first of all, something you want more than anything in the world.  Some days you decide maybe I don't want a baby because the road ahead is so daunting, uncertain and full of mystery.  Still you move forward because there is this glimmer of hope that fertility treatments will work for you.  A glimmer that can often times be clouded over by the fact that nothing else has worked and you feel "broken".  

You visit the doctor and after a few months of tests and maybe some treatments the doctor finally suggests ivf.  You are heartbroken because of the amount of money you will need to find or scrounge up but you still can't imagine letting go of the dream of having your own children.  

Day one of IVF.  You don't realize this now but over the next year or more you will be poked, pinched and given ultrasounds in places you never knew was possible.  Your tummy becomes a pin cushion and covered in bruises.  You get rid of a bruise on your tummy just in time to give it another shot.  At the same time your hormones are not "normal" and you feel on edge a lot of the time.  You don't really feel like it's you inside your own body at times.  BUT...you keep moving forward with that hope.  Then comes the retrieval.  The best part of all of this is when they put you under light sedation to take those beautiful eggs out that you and your body worked so hard to grow.  You wake up and get to deal with the aftermath.  You feel nauseous, tired and sometimes sore.  All worth it...hopefully.  You wait a month or two and then retrieve again.  Then for some you implant and have to go through the 2 week waiting period to know if it was all worth the effort.  For others you get to wait another 2 or more months to start a transfer cycle.  This month consists of more birth control, a full month of shots every night as well as medication to help control EVERYTHING!  You have a million decisions to make during this month.  All of which you make while bouncing back and forth about whether your ready to have kids or if you even WANT them anymore.  Then your moment comes and it's time to transfer that embryo you've chosen and you get to wait 2 more weeks to know if it works or not. If it doesn't, for whatever reason you get to wait a few months just to be lit up with shots once again.  If it does work it is so wonderful and exciting and you STILL get to start injections or suppositories,daily, to help keep that baby safe and comfortable.  Then you get to wait 9 months for that baby to make it out safe.  The whole time you hope you are as sick as a dog with morning sickness just to be reassured that your baby is safe inside thriving.  From conception to birth the worry NEVER goes away...even after that.  

1 in 8 couples will face some sort of infertility. Infertility causes emotions in us women, and men, that we would rather not talk about. Sometimes we don't even understand it. In my experience I have felt CRAZY.   Injecting hundreds of shots into your abdomen, (most of which can cause some strange and unpleasant side effects), taking pills, ultrasounds sometimes once a day for a week...all to help our body do what the doctors need it to do to give you the best chances.  All in the hope of having a baby.  Who wouldn't that push off their rocker just a little bit?  

Understand that no matter where a person is in their own journey it is hard!  I have had to come to realize that infertility is THE trial for a lot of people.  For those who are able to have children easily maybe their trial is having children.  We all need to be patient with one another and more importantly ourselves.  

I know that as we go through these trials of infertility and child loss (or any trial in life.) we can become stronger people.  If we pray for COURAGE to accept His will,  our lives will be filled with peace.  Finding peace in such a tumultuous world is hard.  If we can do it through this trial we can find peace in any trial that is placed before us.  

My opinion

Doing genetic testing we were able to choose to find out the sex of each individual embryo.  It is crazy and wonderful at the same time.  That being said...it makes the process harder! (at least in my opinion)

In a normal pregnancy you wouldn't find out the sex of your baby until 20 weeks and you had no control over what sex your baby was.  Imagine being able to pick the sex of your baby beforehand!  For some that would be awesome.  Especially if you are trying to family balance.  For others they would say picking the sex of your baby is playing God.  I would say it is a great responsibility to pick the sex of your baby.  It would require a lot of prayer and meditation.  In the end it is still not up to us how many children we have but I would suggest following the peace.  There is no price you can put on the peace you have when you are on a good or right path.  Sometimes it takes us making a hard decision before that peaceful confirmation comes.  Dealing with fertility and child loss there are a lot of ups and downs.  The one thing we can look forward to is feeling that peace surround us when things are hard.  Especially if we follow that peace to begin with.


p.s.  My husband and I have decided to keep our decisions regarding how many embryos we will implant and the sex of the embryo or embryos a secret.  It is our way of keeping people on their toes!  In your journey you can keep people on their toes as much or as little as you want.  Some couples need the support from their families in everything.  Others prefer to keep it between themselves.  Whatever you decide, decide together.  Use this journey to grow together as a couple.  

Transferring process

It has been a while since I last posted.  This last week we were able to start our transfer cycle.  I initially called the nurse and said we're ready to start.  It's cycle day one!  ( I was way nervous.)  The nurse called me back the next evening and told me she was talking with the doctor about starting as he usually has people wait for 2 full cycles and not just 2 periods. (you have a period after they retireve which is not considered a cycle.)  We would have had to wait another month, which isn't bad in the whole scheme of things, but you get pretty antsy to start!  The doctor had me go in for an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries were back to their normal size.  Also just to make sure we were ready to safely start a transfer cycle.  Luckily for us we were ready!  The nurse had me start birth control and sent me a calendar of what our transfer cycle would look like.  I never realized how much went into a transfer cycle!  I thought you had a period, implanted embryos two weeks later and BAM!  You were pregnant...if it worked.  I was wrong! Let me walk you through the process, as I know it, that one goes through in order to implant an embryo.

First you are on birth control for 2 weeks.  (perma-grumpy face for 2 weeks) During the second week you will likely start a shot, lupron and such,  that will essentially put your reproductive organs to "sleep"...at least that is how I see it.  You do these shots at a higher dosage that will decrease a bit and stop once you start progesterone shots or suppositories later...gross .  Anyways.  You stop you birth control after two weeks, have a mini cycle and go in for a suppression ultrasound to make sure there are no cysts on your ovaries as well as a blood draw to check other important hormones.  You will then decrease the amount in your "sleeping" shots  by about half and start taking some form of the hormone Estrodiol (estrogen).  This you will start with a smaller amount that gets bigger as you progress through your cycle.  These steps all happen in the same day.  Four days later you will go in for a blood test to check your estrodiol levels...likely to make sure they are going up and doing what they should be.  After one week on estrodiol you will increase the amount you take from about 1 milligram every 12 hours to 2 mg's three times a day.  On day 11 of your cycle, just shy of one month after starting birth control in the first place, you will go in for your final monitoring or ultrasound to check the lining of your uterus.  If the lining is thick enough you will start your progesterone shots or suppositories and stop your "sleeping" shots completely.  You will continue with your estrodiol and prenatal vitamins.  Less than a week later...5 days in our case, you will implant the embryos.
According to our situation they will defrost the embryos the morning of our implantation date.  If the embryo doesn't survive the defrost they will call to see if we want to defrost another embryo.  The nurses told me for at least 2 weeks you are considered pregnant.  Two weeks after you implantation they do a blood HCG test to make sure the numbers look good and are going up.  They may do a couple blood tests spaced out with a day or two in between as HCG is supposed to double every few days in early pregnancy.  They don't suggest doing a home pregnancy test in the mean time as there are some things they give you that can give you false results.  Such as the HCG trigger shot if you are doing a fresh cycle.  Unfortunately with fertility stuff it doesn't eliminate the two week waiting period.  It does eliminate all the other stuff though!
Don't be afraid to ask the doctor his professional opinion at any time during this process.  He is there to guide you through these decisions.  It is better to ask than to make an expensive mistake because you thought your question was stupid.  Keep in mind they answer a bazillion questions daily.  I can guarantee your question has been asked before.  Once again when making decisions during this time, follow the peace.  If in the end things didn't work out, at least you can say I followed the peace and maybe there is something else out there for us.

The results are in...

We got the results back today from our 16 embryos.  The genetic test that would tell us how many chances we have at bringing a child into this world.  Out of our 16 embryos that they were able to biopsy and freeze we got 6 healthy or normal embryos that could potentially be children.  We understand that the tiny balls of cells have to withstand the harsh defrosting process as well as 9 months in utero but we are hopeful.  Out of the 56 eggs they retrieved, 44 were mature enough to fertilize, 35 fertilized normally and 16 made it to biopsy.  Out of the 16 we got, 6 embryos we can use.  Of the 16 embryos we had only 2 that had the inversion.  The rest had other things wrong with them which would have caused a miscarriage or no pregnancy at all.  These other things may or may not have been because of the inversion, they don't know for sure.  They do know people with an inversion generally have more trisomy or monosomy issues in their embryos.  (Monosomy = missing one strand of a specific chromosome.  Trisomy = An extra strand on a specific chromosome.)  They also know that a normal woman, in my age group, generally have 40% of their eggs that have some sort of issue with their egg that will result in a miscarriage or no pregnancy at all even if it gets fertilized.

Now all we have to do is decide how many to implant and which sex we would like our child to be...if we decide to go that route!  Ultimately we just want a baby to come into our lives healthy and strong.

I do feel there comes a point when doing all WE can do to get kids here is over and the rest is up to the Lord.  Every couple will reach this place at a different time of the process and whatever the place is for you and your other, remember that following the peace is always a sure way to do what your 'supposed' to do.  If there is confusion, take a step back and look at the question again.  Just remember that you and your husband are able to receive that answer for your family!

Retrieval 2

For those of you following our journey...it has been a while since I have updated what we are doing.  We are currently finishing up our second egg retrieval.  This time around my body has been responding in a more healthy manner.  I haven't really noticed that things are going on except the occasional nausea, bloating and my stomach is more sensitive to the injections.  After we retrieve we will wait until the embryos are old enough (5 or 6 days) to biopsy and then we will send all or some of our biopsies, from the embryos, off to see which ones do not have an inverted chromosome.  We should get those results pretty quick.  After we get the results we will be ready to move forward with the process of implantation.  We are excited to be able to move on to the implantation and yet we approaching the process with caution emotionally.  We are grateful to all who have been a part of this process,  It is pretty amazing that people can have babies who wouldn't have been able to years ago.  I will post once we get more fun stuff to talk about.

With this retrieval we got 28 eggs...which is a ton and how many we retrieved last time!  25 of them were mature and 18 fertilized normally.  As of day 3...monday, we have 16 good embryos and 2 fair.  Last time we had 28 eggs, 19 were mature and 16 fertilized normally.  On day 3 we had 16 embryos, 2 excellent 8 good and 4 fair or something.  We are hoping to biopsy day 5.  Last time we had to wait until day 6.  More to come!  

Here's the update.  On day 5 they biopsied 4 embryos...3 good and 1 fair.  They needed to grow the other 14 another day.  Day 6 they were able to biopsy and freeze 3 more.  We got a total of 7 embryos from this batch.  

All in all we feel pretty good.  We got 16 embryos...which is about 14 more than your average couple that does IVF.  They sent the embryos biopsies off to the lab so they could test them for the genetic inversion.  We should get results back within 24 to 48 hours.  The results will tell us how many embryos we have that can actually be used.  They will also tell us how many boys and how many girls we have.  We are excited and nervous!  The next step is transferring or implantation.  Then the real work begins!

Bitter to Sweet

"Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what your going to get."  Forrest Gump

I don't think I really got what this meant until getting older.  

We are born into this life without a clue as to what this life has in store for us.  That is both the beauty and the beast of life.  

Growing up we anticipate growing up, getting married, conquering the world, or not, and living happily ever after.  Little do we know that we have little control over what happens in our lives.  

Some people get cancer that will decide the quality of the rest of their life.  Some people are victim to abuse,verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally...all of which can decide a persons lifestyle.  Some people are riddled with diseases to which they did nothing in order to "deserve" them.  Others will have challenges that may not be physical but of a mental nature.  No matter what our challenges may be in this life there is one thing we can remember...Chocolate comes in many different flavors.  They range from bitter to sweet.  

Through our trials or after the fact there is a sweetness or a joy for overcoming something that was so hard for us.   

I have a friend who was blessed to get pregnant rather quickly. I was honestly jealous that it would be so easy.  Recently she was informed by a doctor that at 7 months pregnant she may have breast cancer.  I have been humbled by her and the grace with which she has been going through this trying time.  I also was humbled to learn that even the most silver of linings can have a dark corner.  In the end there can be sweetness.  Sweetness in knowing that we are submitting ourselves to the will of the Father and becoming like him even when it can be very uncomfortable and downright difficult.  

I work at a hospital for women with eating disorders.  Working here I have learned that to each individual person different things are challenging.  Each patient where I work has had something in their life that has led them to an eating disorder.  Working with these amazing women I have learned that it is not in human nature to like things that are hard.  We much rather prefer the easy route in life.  I have also learned that our choices may take us on our paths but we are not in charge of what obstacles may lie in those pathways.  BUT...it is our choice to look at the obstacle and rely on what we know about our Heavenly Father to get us through.  He does not find joy in watching us struggle.  He finds joy in watching us overcome the hurdles or bitter sweetness in life.  

There is a young couple I know who have a son that was born with a cleft palette.  This young boy has been through a lot in his short life so far.  His father was talking about a spiritual experience he had with his son who was struggling for life at the time.  He told my husband and I that his son chose the body he had because he knew it was what he needed in this life to help perfect him and get him back into the presence of his Heavenly Father.  

I know that we chose the lives we have.  We didn't know the circumstances or specifics but we did jump for joy to know that we could come here to be tested and tried and put through the refiners fire.  For some that may be overcoming an addiction or bumpy past.  For others that is learning to trust in his will and timing.  Each of us has the capabilities and divine birthright to overcome the bitterness of life.  We can find the sweetness that is in the box of life.    

I know that this life is not easy.  It is just going to get harder.  I also know that we are children of a heavenly Father who in fact loves us!  He cries when we are at our bedsides pleading for him to take away our pains.  

I think of our savior in the garden of Gethsemane...the chosen one.  He pleaded with the Father to not have him go through what he went through.  In the end he said: nevertheless, thy will be done."  

I know that we can and will spend our entire lives trying to understand what it means to turn our will to the Fathers.  I also know that each time we complain, falter, turn away, and feel like we cannot go back, it is not so.  He is there waiting for us.  He is there to offer help. He is there to strengthen us.  All we need to do is ask.  

Tender mercies

This last week was when our third child should have been born.  I didn't think it would hit me like it did.  I was "fine".  It got me thinking about all of the hundreds of thousands of women who have been through the same thing.  Bottom line is it is hard!

As my different emotions surfaced, anger, sadness, confusion, emptiness etc, I was eventually brought to gratitude.  I know this is kind of weird and surprised even me.  I am going to share an experience that is very dear to my heart.  An experience that led me to the conclusion that I had something to be grateful for.

When I was about 19 years old my grandmother passed away.  Within the next year I was deciding what school I should go to, where I should live etc.  I had a dream with my grandmother in it.  She was in a rocking chair and "woke" up to speak with me.  She said these words to me," I cannot tell you what school to go to or where to live but I can tell you I am watching your kids."

I didn't think much of it at the time but I had the impression to write the dream down.

Fast forward 10 years.  My husband and I have gone through 2 miscarriages and are having a hard time figuring out why we don't have children yet.  Looking through my old stuff I found the journal entry about this dream.  Peace hit me so hard I couldn't help but cry.  I knew my grandmother was watching our children.  There is no other person I can think of that I would want watching over my unborn children.

I know my children are well cared for.  I know that as we go through the hardships of infertility there are tender mercies all around us.  I know that whatever brings us peace and comfort through these hard times is what we should seek after.