peace in hardships

You are lying in your bed looking up what size your little baby is and are suddenly hit with a pretty severe bout of anxiety.  You aren't sure why but you feel the need to call the doctor immediately. You leave a message and eventually someone calls you to see if you can come into the doctors office right then to get an ultrasound to just check on baby's heartbeat.  You get there and are feeling different.  You're not sure why but something if "off".  You have felt this feeling many times before but you really are hoping it's just anxiety.
The nurse calls you back and gets your vitals and weight.  Your blood pressure is high so she asks you to take some deep breaths and try to relax.  Of course it's high you have been internally freaking out all morning!  You do as she says and it is normal the second time.  She says "we'll give you some peace today."  You reply "I hope so."  Deep down you already know what is coming.  Once again you hope you are wrong.  After all there were no signs for you to believe that your baby no longer had a heartbeat.
You wait in an exam room for a few minutes on the verge of tears.  You get it together enough to walk the long walk into the ultrasound room.  The same room in which they told you about your miscarriage just over a year prior.  The doctor comes in and cannot find a heartbeat with the abdomen ultrasound.  He has to do a vaginal ultrasound.  You already know but are hanging on to a thread hoping he's not right.  He begins the ultrasound and there are 2 sacs.  The blighted ovum and a significantly larger sac with a baby inside...but no heartbeat.  He tries to listen for the heartbeat.  Silence.  You bite your tongue holding back the tears.  until he confirms.  "I'm sorry...I don't see a heartbeat."  The nurse present immediately grabs you hand and you cannot hold the flood of tears any longer.  "How did you know?"  he asks.  "Intuition?"  you shake your head yes.  Tears stream down your face as your biggest fears are confirmed.  You have miscarried once again.
The doctor is kind and gets everything arranged so you can have a d and c later that day mainly because its the eve of Christmas eve.
You make the long walk to the car and emotions erupt.  Now you get to call your husband and tell him the news.  You get the emotions as under control as possible and dial the number.  It rings and he answers.  You act casual until the emotions don't even permit you to speak.  You blurt out. "We miscarried again!"  Silence.  This is one of the hardest things you will have to do.  You wish you could hold it all in until Monday and let him know then but you really need his support now.  He is emotional with you for a minute and you decide to talk more later.
You have to get some stuff at the store and the entire time your there you are keenly aware of the pregnant lady walking down the aisle with her big baby bump and doting husband.  It makes you sad and yet strangely excited for the future.
All in all, today has been rough.  But I will tell you one thing.  Where there is hardship and trial.  There can be peace.
While my husband and I are sad and mourning the loss of yet another child we know that it is all for a reason.  A reason unknown by us.  We have come to learn to appreciate the time we have being pregnant.  We have come to appreciate all those around us.  We are so surrounded by amazing people who help buoy us up in the hardest of times.  We love and appreciate all of you.
At this time we ask that you understand our emotions and allow us our time to mourn and heal.  We know it's not the end of the journey.  We know there is a long road ahead.  We also know that we have 4 beautiful little babies waiting for us on the other side.

Cliffhanger

It's been a while since I've written.  Here it goes...
Monday morning comes.  It's been a hard weekend but you're now able to accept whatever happens...heartbeat or not.  It's not like it'd be the first time anyways. 
You're now at the doctors office and nerves have taken over so much your hands are sweating. Luckily they take you right back.  One last silent prayer of pleading is said that there is a heartbeat and if not than that you'll feel the comfort needed to get through what lies ahead.  For some reason you immediately feel comfort and are ready for the bad news. 
The doctor comes in and tells you not to worry because he sees a heartbeat in only 60% of pregnancies as far along as you are.  He says it's not over yet if they can't find a heartbeat today.  Then the ultrasound begins.
He finds the sac with no heartbeat and no baby developing.  The blighted ovum.  He measures it and it hasn't grown since a few days ago.  The doctor moves to the next sac that still has something in it.  He measures everything and it's still a little small.  You are half listening and half searching for any sign of a heartbeat.   You think your eyes are playing tricks until he says " oh look.  Here's a heartbeat."  You don't cry because you're actually in shock.  He measures some more and even though baby is a few days behind the doctor says it's okay to still be cautiously hopeful.  He wants you to come back a week later to make sure everything is still growing. 

One week later...

Your back and have been waiting for over an hour to get an ultrasound again.  It feels like De ja vu.  Your a little more confident but the nerves are unrelenting!  Finally...you get called back and end up waiting another  little while...stupid snow storm is ruining your life.   Then he comes.  You want to say " let's skip the small talk and get this over with."  But listen politely because once again the nerves vanish miraculously after a silent prayer for comfort.  He goes in and begins.  Same thing...blighted ovum is still there chilling.  Then onto your only hope...there's a heartbeat and your baby is noticeably larger.  The heartbeat is at a good pace and you get to hear it this time.  You're heart drops when the heartbeat vanishes.  Then you realize he's trying to listen to the blighted ovum heart and you relax.  He ends by printing off some pics of baby and it's heartbeat.   He does mention the sac is a little small but the fluid around baby looks good.  Of course all you hear is the sac is small and baby may not make it.  You fight it off and search for the peace you had right before the ultrasound started. 

4 days later...

You go into your regular doctor for your first prenatal appointment and are freaking out because its what you're good at and 1 year prior, to the day, this same doctor told you your last baby had no heartbeat.  You lie on the ultrasound table and within seconds he sees a heartbeat.  You're happy and are ready to do whatever you must to keep baby safe and comfortable.   The doctor tells you to go in weekly if you want to check on baby and that all the doctors will support you if that's what you need.  You are grateful they understand the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy and recurrent loss.  He draws some blood and you know he's going to do all he can to keep your baby healthy too. 
I know that it is not up to us.  Its not up to the doctors.  I know it's a much higher power that helps us daily.  I know, through my own experience, that a miracle happened. 
Emotional rollercoaster.  That is how to describe the entire journey of infertility.  The one thing I know is that we are never on it alone.  No matter what twist or turn is ahead of us, we can make it through.  Sometimes more tears are involved than on other rides. 
This journey is far from over.  I'd say we are hopeful but guarded.  I want you to know that if you have a friend or loved one going through fertility things right now.  Just love them.  Find your own personal way to support them and help them feel like they are already parents...even without children.  Because they ARE! 
I still know that if none of these little embryos make it to this earth and my arms that I could find happiness in my nieces and nephews.  Because my siblings love me enough to let me be a part of their lives.  I hope everyone can find this peace.  You are a mom or a dad...simply because you love. 

Hope and Faith

Every time you go in for an ultrasound you are filled with so much anxiety that you literally fill like it has taken control of your body.  The doctor comes in and talks a little about what they are looking for and you hardly hear anything above the sound of your heart beating.  You wonder if he's going to locate a baby and a heartbeat quickly or if it's going to take him a while...like the last ultrasound you had when they told you there was no heartbeat and you had miscarried.  

The doctor gets everything ready and everything in the room kind of blurs except the screen over your head that will soon show the contents of you uterus.  You keep telling yourself you are over reacting but let's be honest.  You have had more heartbreaking memories during ultrasounds than not.  In essence you have been traumatized by them.  You take a deep breath and the doctor says."I see two sacs."  You are suddenly filled with hope that you're having twins!  Then you realize one sac is substantially larger than the other.  You're hopes of having twins fade as you realize the one sac has nothing in it.  It's an empty hole where a child should be but is not.  Your hopes now lie with the second larger sac.  The doctor moves the ultrasound around to try and find a heartbeat.  He can't really even tell if that bright spot is the embryo or is it this other spot.  He knows there is or was an embryo in there somewhere but can't tell if it's still growing or maybe it's stopped growing.  You are just over 6 weeks and figure there should be a heartbeat.  Right?  The doctor tells you he is concerned and instead you hear " I'm sorry for your loss."  You try not to jump to conclusions.  It has been the only conclusion you have ever known...so naturally it's where your mind goes.  

The doctor offers to do an HCG test but doesn't think it will tell anything so he encourages you to get an ultrasound Monday to confirm whether or not you have miscarried...again.  As the doctor speaks to you, you can feel the numbness settle in.  You are trying to listen but are really focusing on not letting the stream of tears begin because you don't know if you can stop them once they start.  On your way home the flood gayes open and you find yourself praying for a miracle.  

Your doctors nurse calls you not even 15 minutes later to make the next ultrasound appointment.  You can barely talk as you are overcome by emotion...slightly embarrassed and slightly peeved she would call so shortly after the news you had just received.  She feels you with hope and tells you a story about another woman who didn't have a heartbeat or anything until 7 weeks into her pregnancy.  You latch onto that but are cautious.  You have been hurt to many times and are so over feeling the pain. You feel like you are grasping at straws hoping that a heartbeat shows up on Monday.  (and every ultrasound after that.)  You also realize how little control you have over anything and everything once again.  You cry to yourself because you are tired and don't want to go through another one.  It is too hard.  You don't feel strong enough.  You feel broken once again.  You feel that you don't have enough courage to accept what His will may be in this situation.  You feel that you are cause for your spouses heartache.  It literally kills you inside. You feel you are back at square one.  If this didn't work, there must be something else that is going on that they haven't found yet.  

You just want to move on and get over it as quickly as possible.  Like a band aid.  Less pain, no tears. You realize it will take some time.  It is natural and necessary to mourn. Take time for yourself to just cry it out.  You have lost a part of you.  You can always hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  

Another hard part is trying not to make others feel awkward when they ask how your doing.  Inside your a mess but you're figuring it out.  Outside you look so normal that nobody can tell a difference in you.

To all of you out there.  We're expecting the worst and hoping for the best.  I dont write this for attention or to make anyone feel bad for us. Its just a sucky part of life.  Come monday we will know for sure if we have miscarried or not.  Either way we're trying to stay hopeful.  I hope this can alleviate some of those awkward moments though:)  Once again...I hope you know that I appreciate you.  

Two week wait

There is nothing harder than the two week wait.  You are hoping it's finally yes! You bite your nails to a nub waiting for the day you can finally take a home pregnancy test.  The moment comes and you hesitate.  Could this be the day?  Or is it going to be a sad dissapointment like every other month?  You expect your period and it doesn't even phase you anymore when it comes.  If it doesnt the possibilities flood your mind.
Once you start to go through the processes of clomid to iui to ivf you have a glimmer of hope each  month  but no expectations of any real results.  It's been your experience to be disappointed every month so that is what you expect...sometimes even look forward to.  Especially if you've experienced miscarriages or child loss.  You just don't want to hurt anymore so you become numb to it all. 
Then the day comes and you get to transfer an embryo that has been tested and tormented and has made it through embryo hell and back and it's the lucky one that will be implanted in your uterus.  You go in and out of your appointment and the wait begins. 
You make it a whole week before even thinking about taking a pregnancy test.  It comes out positive!  You're slightly freaking out and still don't believe the answer you got.  It's only natural to take another test the next day...positive.  Okay...maybe?  You take a test every morning that week and get all positives, except for that one day when you took the test in the afternoon and got a negative because it's so early in pregnency you didn't have enough hcg to get a positive. Or was that the right one?  You go slightly crazy since you're on a slew of hormones to help you keep a pregnancy if you really are pregnant.  You take one the next morning...positive.  Still in your mind there is doubt.  What if It's negative and I've miscarried and that's why I got a negative and a positive.  Maybe it's still not time to have kids and our trial is not over.  Maybe we wasted an embryo and we only have so many left.  Maybe we weren't supposed to choose the gender of the baby.  Maybe I did something to cause it not to take.  Your thoughts bounce around like a racquet ball every which way.  You will drive yourself nuts.  It's "normal."  You decide I'm just going to wait for the blood test tomorrow morning. 
The day is here. You've had ur blood drawn and you're embarrassed but admit you took "a test" to the lady drawing your blood and it was positive.  She seems to think that's a good sign but says nothing else.  Rude.  She says they'll call you in a few hours.  Mentally you say okay so they should call by 1230 maybe 1 at the latest. 
Hour 1 rolls by...they will call any minute!  You do anything you can to keep busy.  Your house will get pretty clean during the wait or you'll get a good nap in.  By the time you go to work at 2pm...they STILL haven't called.  You think they are just saving you for last so your day isn't ruined by the bad news.  still you will not separate from your phone for anything!  It's glued to you. 
Finally you get busy doing something at work and they call!  You answer and try to prepare for the blow.  Then they tell you you are pregnant and you are excited!  You already knew it all along but you just needed that confirmation. 
You have just received great news and your excited...and yet still reluctant.  You still have 8 more weeks to make it through the first trimester into "safety."  You wait for your first ultrasound a week or two later to see a heartbeat and confirm there is a baby in there even though your already feeling a little sick.    Even then you just wish the first trimester gets over with quickly and you're still pregnant.   You're also hoping for a good bout of morning sickness to reassure you that everything is going good. 
Lots of thoughts and doubts inhabit your mind but ultimately you try to have hope and faith that everything will be alright.  It's a time you realize that you've done everything in your abilities possible to make this happen.  You're little embryo is now in the hands of your higher power.  He is in charge and you pray daily for the courage you will need to in order to go through whatever is in store...miscarriage, child loss or maybe, just maybe, a full term pregnancy and all that comes with it. 
I know that not everyone will get pregnant their first try at any infertility treatments...or at all.  Don't lose hope.  You will feel when it's time to move on.  And as hard as it seems to believe, it will feel peaceful.  Infertility treatments, adoption, foster care to adoption, being an aunt, uncle...Every story of being and becoming a parent is different.  Every situation is different.  Every person has different limits.  Follow what is peaceful for you.  Peace is a gift and sometimes all we have in these moments. 

Some would say we shouldn't tell people until the first trimester is over that we're pregnant.  I say I'm sharing the entire journey.  This includes the good, the bad and the ugly.  We will see how this story turns out together.  I want you to know that I  appreciate you.

Post transfer

Here's the update...

On November 10th We were able to go in and do our first implantation.  They have you drink while on your way in so your bladder is pretty full when they do the transfer.  A full bladder helps to essentially uncurl your uterus so it is a straight shot into the middle where they want to implant the embryo.  

We arrived at the place early as it was snowing and they took us back quickly.  The nurse comes and talks with you about what to expect during and after the procedure and what you should be mindful of (restrictions, emergent situations etc...).  The embryologist comes in to make sure you are who you are and to tell you about the embryo they have chosen for you.  He also gave us our first picture of our future family.  Then the doctor comes in and you sign a few papers saying you allow them to try am impregnate you etc...

Once all the paperwork is set you change into your pretty robe.  Your husband gets a cute little jumpsuit and mask as well.  At this point you realize you need to pee kind of a lot.  You tough through it.  They get you and your significant other in the room where they do the transfer and you lay on the bed with the pretty, shiny stirrups.  They put a bio-hazard bag underneath your hips to catch all the "stuff".  You get all situated and the doctor comes in.  He inserts a speculum which puts more pressure on your already full bladder.  Still you try to tough it out while holding your pee in.  Then the nurse puts the ultrasound on top of your tummy and you feel all hell is about to break loose.  You aren't sure if you're going to make it and the doctor proceeds to clean out your uterus with the same solution your embryo is in as well as cotton which feels like steel wool on your uterus.  You are not enjoying any of the process because you are trying with all your might to not pee on the doctor and wishing you had done some kegel exercises to help you out this whole time.  The doctor finishes cleaning out the prospective new home for your embryo and says only 5 more minutes.  5 MORE MINUTES!  You said that 10 minutes ago!  You finally break down and tell the doctor...WAIT!  I really can't hold it any longer and I don't want to jeopardize the transfer (or pee on you)...I have to pee at least a little bit.  He takes out the speculum and inserts a very small catheter in your bladder and begins to empty some of your bladder into the bio-hazard bag.  Something doesn't sound right.  "I think the pee is going onto the floor." you say.  The nurse says nope...we're good.  You relax a little and then your husband says..."It is leaking onto the floor."  You are slightly mortified but have not control over your bladder because the doctor is in control and still emptying your bladder even though it's waterfalling onto his shoes!  Eventually he empty's enough that he can stop the emptying but proceeds with everything else after putting a new non holy bag under your hips.   He can now re clean your uterus with steel wool to prepare for the moment you have been waiting for for a long time.  This time the speculum, ultrasound and catheter are much more enjoyable.  Everything is ready and clean once again and the door to the embryologist room opens.  He lets you watch on the big screen tv as he puts a slide with your embryo in that same solution.  He magnifies the embryo as much as he can and you say "Welcome little embryo.  Please feel free to make a home inside my freshly cleaned house the doctor has prepared for you".  He verifies you are who you are again and then sucks the embryo up into a catheter.  He carefully carries the catheter making sure nothing escapes and puts it inside the larger hollow catheter the doctor is holding inside your uterus where he wants the embryos home to be.  You look at the ultrasound that is now bearable and watch as the catheter makes its way in and you see a very small cloud of what looks like air but is the fluid your baby was housed in.  The doctor lets everything settle for a minute.  The embryologist checks the catheter and equipment he used to make sure the embryo made it inside you and isn't hiding in the equipment he used.  Once the embryologist clears everything the doctor removes everything and you are free to get dressed and go pee!  Only now the doctor has drained your bladder for you...all over his feet...so you're not in a hurry anymore.  

This experience was in fact my own.  I did pee on the doctor and while it was gross...it was funny and apparently not the first time it's happened!  

After the procedure we went home and rested for the next few days.  The third day I went to the gym and began a pretty normal routine.  There weren't many restrictions except to not run or do anything that would be bouncy, abrupt or could result in falling.  I wasn't supposed to lift over 25 lbs for the first week.  Other than that they didn't have many restrictions.  Basically they tell you you are pregnant until proven otherwise.  It's kind of neat to witness the exact moment your embryo entered your uterus and that opportunity for a baby was there.  

The next 2 weeks require a lot of patience!  You assess every cramp, wave of nausea, craving, headache and think...is this a sign?  Is my embryo implanting right now?  Then you remember that the medications the doctors have you on all make you feel like your pregnant anyways.  One week later you have an itch to take a home pregnancy test.  Is it a good thing.  Will it tell my anything?  Is it even possible to know this early?  Should I just wait until my blood test in a few days?  Can I make myself wait that long? (not likely) If it is positive does it really mean I'm pregnant?  If it's negative am I going to be a depressed hormonal lady that can't function?   If it is positive am I going to get my hopes up and miscarry before the blood test?  You literally can drive yourself crazy tying to not think about all the things that you WILL  think about.  You are wired that way.  Especially since there really hasn't been any real hope for a while and now that hope is back and having a child is a possibility the incessant questions start up again.
There are two responses you can get from a pregnancy test...positive or negative.   There are many reasons why you may get these answers.  If you took any sort of HCG or they used any during implantation you could get a false positive.  If you take the test any time during the 2 week wait you can get a false negative as your body may not be making enough HCG...yet.  Whether you decide to take a test ,or 50.  Maybe you decide to wait until your blood test at the doctors office.  Either way remember that you have done all that you possibly can to bring a child into this world.  You are giving your future family your best shot and that shot you are taking now is in the hands of your higher power.  I know that God is all knowing.  He knows what we need in order to be molded into the most celestial being possible here on earth.  Unfortunately this means that our trials may go on for longer than we want.  Fortunately we can pray for courage to accept His will and be fortified spiritually, physically, mentally.  Whatever His will for us.  Let us have the courage to pray for the courage to accept His plan for us and our family.  Sometimes that is half the battle.  I know he answers us especially when we are able to turn our will over to His.  

I love you.  Whoever you are.  This is an amazing trial...said nobody ever...while in the midst of the refiners fire.  Stay strong and know that you are not alone:)

Painted picture

This month is infertility and child loss awareness month.  My heart goes out to anyone who is trying to have a baby and has struggled for any length of time.  Whether you have children, or not, it is hard to want a child and not have it come easily or at all.  To those of you still venturing on this "lovely" road...keep on truckin".  For those of you who are wondering what it is like to bare they burden of infertility let me draw you a picture.  

Imagine, first of all, something you want more than anything in the world.  Some days you decide maybe I don't want a baby because the road ahead is so daunting, uncertain and full of mystery.  Still you move forward because there is this glimmer of hope that fertility treatments will work for you.  A glimmer that can often times be clouded over by the fact that nothing else has worked and you feel "broken".  

You visit the doctor and after a few months of tests and maybe some treatments the doctor finally suggests ivf.  You are heartbroken because of the amount of money you will need to find or scrounge up but you still can't imagine letting go of the dream of having your own children.  

Day one of IVF.  You don't realize this now but over the next year or more you will be poked, pinched and given ultrasounds in places you never knew was possible.  Your tummy becomes a pin cushion and covered in bruises.  You get rid of a bruise on your tummy just in time to give it another shot.  At the same time your hormones are not "normal" and you feel on edge a lot of the time.  You don't really feel like it's you inside your own body at times.  BUT...you keep moving forward with that hope.  Then comes the retrieval.  The best part of all of this is when they put you under light sedation to take those beautiful eggs out that you and your body worked so hard to grow.  You wake up and get to deal with the aftermath.  You feel nauseous, tired and sometimes sore.  All worth it...hopefully.  You wait a month or two and then retrieve again.  Then for some you implant and have to go through the 2 week waiting period to know if it was all worth the effort.  For others you get to wait another 2 or more months to start a transfer cycle.  This month consists of more birth control, a full month of shots every night as well as medication to help control EVERYTHING!  You have a million decisions to make during this month.  All of which you make while bouncing back and forth about whether your ready to have kids or if you even WANT them anymore.  Then your moment comes and it's time to transfer that embryo you've chosen and you get to wait 2 more weeks to know if it works or not. If it doesn't, for whatever reason you get to wait a few months just to be lit up with shots once again.  If it does work it is so wonderful and exciting and you STILL get to start injections or suppositories,daily, to help keep that baby safe and comfortable.  Then you get to wait 9 months for that baby to make it out safe.  The whole time you hope you are as sick as a dog with morning sickness just to be reassured that your baby is safe inside thriving.  From conception to birth the worry NEVER goes away...even after that.  

1 in 8 couples will face some sort of infertility. Infertility causes emotions in us women, and men, that we would rather not talk about. Sometimes we don't even understand it. In my experience I have felt CRAZY.   Injecting hundreds of shots into your abdomen, (most of which can cause some strange and unpleasant side effects), taking pills, ultrasounds sometimes once a day for a week...all to help our body do what the doctors need it to do to give you the best chances.  All in the hope of having a baby.  Who wouldn't that push off their rocker just a little bit?  

Understand that no matter where a person is in their own journey it is hard!  I have had to come to realize that infertility is THE trial for a lot of people.  For those who are able to have children easily maybe their trial is having children.  We all need to be patient with one another and more importantly ourselves.  

I know that as we go through these trials of infertility and child loss (or any trial in life.) we can become stronger people.  If we pray for COURAGE to accept His will,  our lives will be filled with peace.  Finding peace in such a tumultuous world is hard.  If we can do it through this trial we can find peace in any trial that is placed before us.  

My opinion

Doing genetic testing we were able to choose to find out the sex of each individual embryo.  It is crazy and wonderful at the same time.  That being said...it makes the process harder! (at least in my opinion)

In a normal pregnancy you wouldn't find out the sex of your baby until 20 weeks and you had no control over what sex your baby was.  Imagine being able to pick the sex of your baby beforehand!  For some that would be awesome.  Especially if you are trying to family balance.  For others they would say picking the sex of your baby is playing God.  I would say it is a great responsibility to pick the sex of your baby.  It would require a lot of prayer and meditation.  In the end it is still not up to us how many children we have but I would suggest following the peace.  There is no price you can put on the peace you have when you are on a good or right path.  Sometimes it takes us making a hard decision before that peaceful confirmation comes.  Dealing with fertility and child loss there are a lot of ups and downs.  The one thing we can look forward to is feeling that peace surround us when things are hard.  Especially if we follow that peace to begin with.


p.s.  My husband and I have decided to keep our decisions regarding how many embryos we will implant and the sex of the embryo or embryos a secret.  It is our way of keeping people on their toes!  In your journey you can keep people on their toes as much or as little as you want.  Some couples need the support from their families in everything.  Others prefer to keep it between themselves.  Whatever you decide, decide together.  Use this journey to grow together as a couple.