Hulkosterone

Here's the update:
The week before presidents day I was told that our next step would be for me to have a procedure called a hysteroscopy.  Landry and I weren't sure if we were ready to move forward.  After a few long talks and some serious thinking about it we decided it was time to get it done. 
A Hysteroscopy is a minor surgical procedure where they put under anesthesia while the doctor explores your uterus with a scope.  They are looking for polyps, fibroids, scare tissue and any sign of infection.  They put you under so they can remove things if they find anything. 
I called the doctor Monday morning and told them we were ready to get the procedure done.  I called her on day 11 of my cycle...that was the last day they would be able to do the procedure without us needing to wait another month.  I prepared to just wait another month but had a silent prayer in my heart that if we needed to get it done now it would all figure itself out.  The nurse called me and there had been a cancelation that day.  People at work were amazing and I was able to get the Hysteroscopy done a few hours later. 
As we drove to the doctors office we were hopeful they would find something...anything that could explain our recurrent miscarriages.  The doctor talked to us for a minute beforehand and informed us of what would happen if they found anything.  Finding something  would add months onto our being able to implant again.  I wasn't sure if I wanted them to find something or not. 
I got in my pretty robe, hospital slippers and hair net.  They took me back and an hour later I was waking up in recovery.  (I must say the best part of all of this is probably the anesthesia?  Best sleep I ever get!)  Anyways.  I am waking up...still out of it and things are just flying out of my mouth that I would otherwise not say.  Luckily my husband is stuck with me.  Enter the doctor.  He shows me photos of my lovely uterus.  Everything looked good except there was the possibility of one polyp. He said it wasn't in a place he was worried about but they biopsied it and we would get results in a week. 
We go home and I sleep off the remnants of the anesthesia.
 A week goes by and I didn't get a phone call so I assume that they found nothing...once again.  It's kind of frustrating and a let down but a relief too.  It is hard to spend money, that was originally intended for a trip to Disneyland, on another test or another gamble. 
A few days later.  I get a phone call from one of the nurses from the doctors office.  She tells me that I did in fact have a polyp and now get to go on a type of  progesterone that helps to calm polyps.  I get to be on it for an entire month!  If the Hulk had an evil sister who had an acne flair up...I'd be her while taking the pill form of progesterone.  But...it must be done.
After the hulkosterone they will put me on birth control and then things will be decided from there on when we want to implant again. 

Take it easy.

I have been pondering a few different things.  The first is our inability to adequately communicate about loss. 
Let's say someone has lost their spouse to cancer.  One of our first responses is to reassure them that they will be fine because they can marry again or find someone new.  I don't see how this is sensitive to their situation.  Same goes for people who have lost a child or pregnancy.  We try to comfort them and say well...you can try again or maybe it will work next time. These "reassurances" completely diminish the fact that this person is struggling and hurting right now.  Loss is a part of life.  Everyone will experience loss in their life.  The best thing we can do is listen.  Really listen.
This leads me to the next thing I have been thinking about.  Everyone will experience loss in their lifetime.  Everyone will work through their loss in a different way.  I want to give an example to help get my thoughts across. 
We have 2 different people.  One of them has been abused and the others parents were divorced.  We as a society will feel more sympathy for the person who had been abused.  We kind ofjust give the other person a pat on the back and tell them "it happens".  While they are not the same, my point is this. The divorce can feel like as much of a loss to that  person as the abuse did to the other person.  We are all wired differently and things affect us differently.  It is our differences that make us beautiful!  My hope is that we don't judge people by the way they get through their losses.   
While I don't think we "signed up" for bad things to happen.  We did come here to earth to be tested and tried.  We will never hear our higher power say that we went through that one trial the wrong way.  Especially if our hearts are in the right place. When we are in our trials we are strengthening our realization that we are amazing!  You are doing the best you can with what you know.  While it hurts in the moment, each trial helps us grow that much more.  Take it easy on yourself.

Hope

I had a dream last night.  I was in a house with some strangers when we became surrounded by 5 big tornadoes consisting of 5 funnels each.  Immediately we all got up and ran to the basement.  By the time we got to the basement the strangers had changed into my family.  I remember the defining emotion in the dream was fear.
When I woke up I looked up the meaning of tornadoes in your dreams.  It talked about anger or volatile people in your life.  It also talked about the meaning being the emotion you remember feeling most clearly during your dream.  for me...fear.  Now I cannot say I believe in everything that dreams "say".  I do believe that circumstances in life can translate into what we dream about.
It wasn't until talking with my mom that I was able to put a finger on what I was so fearful about.  I am scared to go forth with fertility treatments.  At this moment, if I could be done with trying to have my own children, I would.  Some may say...then be done.  The fear for me comes from knowing that I need to keep moving forward because it is what needs to be done.
These last few months since we miscarried have been some of the lowest and hardest months of my life.  I write this not to get sympathy but because I want people to know what many people go through.
These last few months I have walked around with a myriad of primary and secondary emotions.  Anger, sadness, frustration, worthlessness, despair, confusion etc...  All of which added up to my own personal version of depression.  My body has essentially been in shambles from a year solid of pills, hormones, tests, poking, prodding, emotional ups and downs...my body was done.  5 years of trying to have a child had added up.   Little did I know I was about to feel it all!  Every new baby announcement, every new pregnancy, every baby shower...they add to the chaos and emptiness you are feeling inside.  They all made me that much more emotionally exhausted.

Through these past few months I have also realized that it is okay to struggle.  It is okay to be mad for a while.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to NOT know what you need.  Sometimes the only thing that you can do is survive or exist.  I understand that this may sound dramatic to many.  I even felt like I was being overly dramatic at times, but it was how I was feeling and I eventually had to learn to NOT judge it.  I had to learn that my body is not a machine.  It is my home and a place I need to take care of.  it too needs time to recooperate.  I have learned that some things do NOT happen for a reason.  I have learned, once again, that having kids does not define the amazing person I am.
I am sitting here thinking about all the men and women going through this.  Infertility. (Or any trial you may be facing.)  It could be the hardest thing  you will have to carry in this life. However you feel you are moving through this journey...know that you are doing the best you can with what you know.
We don't know how the journey will end.  We dont know if it will end.  The only thing we know is how we felt when we made the steps to begin this journey.  We know through the journey there has been peace.  We know that we followed that peace and that in and of itself should give us peace.
I know that in these moments of time it is okay not to have the answers.  It's okay to allow yourself time to heal and essentially get your ducks in a row and it's okay to take your time.  I also know that as we keep moving forward, whatever that means, we will be blessed with even more insight and guidance than before.  I know this because the man upstairs has led us here and he'll lead us out.
I also know that right now in these moments all we need is for people not to judge us but to support us.  Tell us it's okay to be mad.  Because we are already tearing ourselves down inside.
If you have a friend that is going through this trial...be there with them.  We don't need people to do for us but to be there with us.  To be mad with us.  To take our hand when we are scared to death of moving forward because we are hurting so much.  Be there to just exist with us.
Time does heal. If we allow it.  Let those around you help lift you up.  You are worth it.  You deserve it.  You are amazing.  The adversary would have you feel you are drowning in the bitter depths of hell because you are not "dealing appropriately".  I am telling you that you are.  You are incredible for just being alive and being brave.
Through these last few months there is one thing that has not left me for a second and that is hope.  I hope that you too can hang on to the hope that you will come out on top.  it may or may not mean having children of your own.  But I Hope that you are getting to a place where you can truly be happy.  Wherever that may be or what that may look like.  You will get there because you have hope.

Finding confidence in feeling like a failure

    This last night everything finally caught up to me.  I had been feeling "fine" and like I had accepted our last miscarriage.  I was wrong. 

    The last few weeks I have been staying busy.  Working, Holidays, vacations etc.  I had decided that I need to start school... again.  If any of you are like me when you decide to do something you want to do it right then and there.  I was searching for a way to get back to school and still work and essentially fill my life with things to do.  Until last night when I was talking with someone I hold dear to me.  They basically told me to SLOW DOWN and allow yourself to feel.  I just thought she was being rude but upon thinking more deeply about the WHY's of needing to go to school asap and all other things I came to one rough realization.  

I was trying to fill up my feeling of failure to have kids with going back to school where I felt I was sure to find success because I was in control.  

    These realizations only brought on a whole slew of emotion as well as new questions.  Mainly regarding my worth as a woman.  This question entered my mind.  How do you help a woman feel her self worth when her belief system her entire life has been that her worth comes from becoming a wife and having children.  I realize that many of my good friends and family who are still waiting for Mr right or struggling with infertility may be struggling with some of these feelings of feeling worthless.  You are not alone.  

    As I cried and pondered that question, I came across an article about gaining self confidence.  I consider myself a confident person but I felt inclined to read this article.  As I read this article one topic in particular stuck out to me.  Shed off limited beliefs. I needed to read this. 

    Growing up I was taught in my place of worship that all you needed to do to be happy is be morally clean, find a man with the same morals, get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after.  Maybe I wasn't taught these things specifically but it is what I heard.  Now that I am older I realize that my perception growing up of what I was being taught has given me limited beliefs of myself as a woman.  I am not saying I was taught false things or that what I was taught was wrong.  I am saying that as a teenager I heard what I wanted to hear and am now needing to adjust some of those things I heard and had accepted into my life as what a woman should be.  I want to say to all the women out there who are struggling with feeling their individual worth because they are not married or they are struggling to have children.  

YOUR WORTH AS A PERSON IS NOT BASED ON IF YOU ARE MARRIED OR IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN.  

    There is so much more to us than those things.  We know many women around me who are incredible.  They have struggled or are struggling with some of the exact same things.  We find them amazing.  How are we any different?   We are not.  We just need to practice some self love. I encourage you to read this article and find your own ways to relinquish yourself of limited beliefs and build yourself up with a confidence that you are amazing!  Give yourself permission to be confident because you are who you are and you are beautiful!  

http://www.finerminds.com/personal-growth/how-to-boost-your-self-confidence

peace in hardships

You are lying in your bed looking up what size your little baby is and are suddenly hit with a pretty severe bout of anxiety.  You aren't sure why but you feel the need to call the doctor immediately. You leave a message and eventually someone calls you to see if you can come into the doctors office right then to get an ultrasound to just check on baby's heartbeat.  You get there and are feeling different.  You're not sure why but something if "off".  You have felt this feeling many times before but you really are hoping it's just anxiety.
The nurse calls you back and gets your vitals and weight.  Your blood pressure is high so she asks you to take some deep breaths and try to relax.  Of course it's high you have been internally freaking out all morning!  You do as she says and it is normal the second time.  She says "we'll give you some peace today."  You reply "I hope so."  Deep down you already know what is coming.  Once again you hope you are wrong.  After all there were no signs for you to believe that your baby no longer had a heartbeat.
You wait in an exam room for a few minutes on the verge of tears.  You get it together enough to walk the long walk into the ultrasound room.  The same room in which they told you about your miscarriage just over a year prior.  The doctor comes in and cannot find a heartbeat with the abdomen ultrasound.  He has to do a vaginal ultrasound.  You already know but are hanging on to a thread hoping he's not right.  He begins the ultrasound and there are 2 sacs.  The blighted ovum and a significantly larger sac with a baby inside...but no heartbeat.  He tries to listen for the heartbeat.  Silence.  You bite your tongue holding back the tears.  until he confirms.  "I'm sorry...I don't see a heartbeat."  The nurse present immediately grabs you hand and you cannot hold the flood of tears any longer.  "How did you know?"  he asks.  "Intuition?"  you shake your head yes.  Tears stream down your face as your biggest fears are confirmed.  You have miscarried once again.
The doctor is kind and gets everything arranged so you can have a d and c later that day mainly because its the eve of Christmas eve.
You make the long walk to the car and emotions erupt.  Now you get to call your husband and tell him the news.  You get the emotions as under control as possible and dial the number.  It rings and he answers.  You act casual until the emotions don't even permit you to speak.  You blurt out. "We miscarried again!"  Silence.  This is one of the hardest things you will have to do.  You wish you could hold it all in until Monday and let him know then but you really need his support now.  He is emotional with you for a minute and you decide to talk more later.
You have to get some stuff at the store and the entire time your there you are keenly aware of the pregnant lady walking down the aisle with her big baby bump and doting husband.  It makes you sad and yet strangely excited for the future.
All in all, today has been rough.  But I will tell you one thing.  Where there is hardship and trial.  There can be peace.
While my husband and I are sad and mourning the loss of yet another child we know that it is all for a reason.  A reason unknown by us.  We have come to learn to appreciate the time we have being pregnant.  We have come to appreciate all those around us.  We are so surrounded by amazing people who help buoy us up in the hardest of times.  We love and appreciate all of you.
At this time we ask that you understand our emotions and allow us our time to mourn and heal.  We know it's not the end of the journey.  We know there is a long road ahead.  We also know that we have 4 beautiful little babies waiting for us on the other side.

Cliffhanger

It's been a while since I've written.  Here it goes...
Monday morning comes.  It's been a hard weekend but you're now able to accept whatever happens...heartbeat or not.  It's not like it'd be the first time anyways. 
You're now at the doctors office and nerves have taken over so much your hands are sweating. Luckily they take you right back.  One last silent prayer of pleading is said that there is a heartbeat and if not than that you'll feel the comfort needed to get through what lies ahead.  For some reason you immediately feel comfort and are ready for the bad news. 
The doctor comes in and tells you not to worry because he sees a heartbeat in only 60% of pregnancies as far along as you are.  He says it's not over yet if they can't find a heartbeat today.  Then the ultrasound begins.
He finds the sac with no heartbeat and no baby developing.  The blighted ovum.  He measures it and it hasn't grown since a few days ago.  The doctor moves to the next sac that still has something in it.  He measures everything and it's still a little small.  You are half listening and half searching for any sign of a heartbeat.   You think your eyes are playing tricks until he says " oh look.  Here's a heartbeat."  You don't cry because you're actually in shock.  He measures some more and even though baby is a few days behind the doctor says it's okay to still be cautiously hopeful.  He wants you to come back a week later to make sure everything is still growing. 

One week later...

Your back and have been waiting for over an hour to get an ultrasound again.  It feels like De ja vu.  Your a little more confident but the nerves are unrelenting!  Finally...you get called back and end up waiting another  little while...stupid snow storm is ruining your life.   Then he comes.  You want to say " let's skip the small talk and get this over with."  But listen politely because once again the nerves vanish miraculously after a silent prayer for comfort.  He goes in and begins.  Same thing...blighted ovum is still there chilling.  Then onto your only hope...there's a heartbeat and your baby is noticeably larger.  The heartbeat is at a good pace and you get to hear it this time.  You're heart drops when the heartbeat vanishes.  Then you realize he's trying to listen to the blighted ovum heart and you relax.  He ends by printing off some pics of baby and it's heartbeat.   He does mention the sac is a little small but the fluid around baby looks good.  Of course all you hear is the sac is small and baby may not make it.  You fight it off and search for the peace you had right before the ultrasound started. 

4 days later...

You go into your regular doctor for your first prenatal appointment and are freaking out because its what you're good at and 1 year prior, to the day, this same doctor told you your last baby had no heartbeat.  You lie on the ultrasound table and within seconds he sees a heartbeat.  You're happy and are ready to do whatever you must to keep baby safe and comfortable.   The doctor tells you to go in weekly if you want to check on baby and that all the doctors will support you if that's what you need.  You are grateful they understand the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy and recurrent loss.  He draws some blood and you know he's going to do all he can to keep your baby healthy too. 
I know that it is not up to us.  Its not up to the doctors.  I know it's a much higher power that helps us daily.  I know, through my own experience, that a miracle happened. 
Emotional rollercoaster.  That is how to describe the entire journey of infertility.  The one thing I know is that we are never on it alone.  No matter what twist or turn is ahead of us, we can make it through.  Sometimes more tears are involved than on other rides. 
This journey is far from over.  I'd say we are hopeful but guarded.  I want you to know that if you have a friend or loved one going through fertility things right now.  Just love them.  Find your own personal way to support them and help them feel like they are already parents...even without children.  Because they ARE! 
I still know that if none of these little embryos make it to this earth and my arms that I could find happiness in my nieces and nephews.  Because my siblings love me enough to let me be a part of their lives.  I hope everyone can find this peace.  You are a mom or a dad...simply because you love. 

Hope and Faith

Every time you go in for an ultrasound you are filled with so much anxiety that you literally fill like it has taken control of your body.  The doctor comes in and talks a little about what they are looking for and you hardly hear anything above the sound of your heart beating.  You wonder if he's going to locate a baby and a heartbeat quickly or if it's going to take him a while...like the last ultrasound you had when they told you there was no heartbeat and you had miscarried.  

The doctor gets everything ready and everything in the room kind of blurs except the screen over your head that will soon show the contents of you uterus.  You keep telling yourself you are over reacting but let's be honest.  You have had more heartbreaking memories during ultrasounds than not.  In essence you have been traumatized by them.  You take a deep breath and the doctor says."I see two sacs."  You are suddenly filled with hope that you're having twins!  Then you realize one sac is substantially larger than the other.  You're hopes of having twins fade as you realize the one sac has nothing in it.  It's an empty hole where a child should be but is not.  Your hopes now lie with the second larger sac.  The doctor moves the ultrasound around to try and find a heartbeat.  He can't really even tell if that bright spot is the embryo or is it this other spot.  He knows there is or was an embryo in there somewhere but can't tell if it's still growing or maybe it's stopped growing.  You are just over 6 weeks and figure there should be a heartbeat.  Right?  The doctor tells you he is concerned and instead you hear " I'm sorry for your loss."  You try not to jump to conclusions.  It has been the only conclusion you have ever known...so naturally it's where your mind goes.  

The doctor offers to do an HCG test but doesn't think it will tell anything so he encourages you to get an ultrasound Monday to confirm whether or not you have miscarried...again.  As the doctor speaks to you, you can feel the numbness settle in.  You are trying to listen but are really focusing on not letting the stream of tears begin because you don't know if you can stop them once they start.  On your way home the flood gayes open and you find yourself praying for a miracle.  

Your doctors nurse calls you not even 15 minutes later to make the next ultrasound appointment.  You can barely talk as you are overcome by emotion...slightly embarrassed and slightly peeved she would call so shortly after the news you had just received.  She feels you with hope and tells you a story about another woman who didn't have a heartbeat or anything until 7 weeks into her pregnancy.  You latch onto that but are cautious.  You have been hurt to many times and are so over feeling the pain. You feel like you are grasping at straws hoping that a heartbeat shows up on Monday.  (and every ultrasound after that.)  You also realize how little control you have over anything and everything once again.  You cry to yourself because you are tired and don't want to go through another one.  It is too hard.  You don't feel strong enough.  You feel broken once again.  You feel that you don't have enough courage to accept what His will may be in this situation.  You feel that you are cause for your spouses heartache.  It literally kills you inside. You feel you are back at square one.  If this didn't work, there must be something else that is going on that they haven't found yet.  

You just want to move on and get over it as quickly as possible.  Like a band aid.  Less pain, no tears. You realize it will take some time.  It is natural and necessary to mourn. Take time for yourself to just cry it out.  You have lost a part of you.  You can always hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  

Another hard part is trying not to make others feel awkward when they ask how your doing.  Inside your a mess but you're figuring it out.  Outside you look so normal that nobody can tell a difference in you.

To all of you out there.  We're expecting the worst and hoping for the best.  I dont write this for attention or to make anyone feel bad for us. Its just a sucky part of life.  Come monday we will know for sure if we have miscarried or not.  Either way we're trying to stay hopeful.  I hope this can alleviate some of those awkward moments though:)  Once again...I hope you know that I appreciate you.