This brought me peace. I hope you feel it too.

http://tofw.com/blogs/one-more-day-with-him

Third times a charm?

Today we got the results of our second implantation...negative.  it sucks but not as hard as miscarrying. 
We decided to not tell anyone this time because it was hard to tell everyone last time.  Once you thought everyone knew...another one creeped out and we had to tell yet another person. 
We decided to follow the Dr's suggestion this time and only implanted one embryo.  A little boy.  He wasn't meant to be.  We have 2 boys and a girl in the bank still.  We're hoping on at least one of them. 
It was really interesting how both Landry and I knew the results before they called us.  We had a sense of peace.  I didn't like it because I knew what it meant.  At the same time we were okay with the answer we got. 
I know that the Father supports us ESPECIALLY when we struggle. 
We are blessed with 3 more embryos and are not sure when they'll get used, but I do know they are ours and for that we are grateful. 
Thank you for the support.  We know you are supporting us.  Even without words. 
As of right now we are hoping that the third times a charm:) 

Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative.

I have recently realized that as we go through trials positive thoughts, or feelings rarely cross our minds.  Why is it?  I think it is in part because we were taught if we we're "righteous"  or " good" that we'd be given all  blessings.  What we don't realize is that we are never promised those said blessings in this life.  We go through life doing good and expecting the blessings to immediately or shortly thereafter follow.  I know that through our trials sometimes the only blessing we get is peace and assurance.  Eventually we come to realize that peace and assurance, however they come, are blessings in and of themselves.   

I work in a hospital for women with eating disorders. It can be a very negative place to work.  Some of these women have the most intense self hatred, self doubt and negative thinking about themselves.  They believe that if they lose a few more pounds they will be made whole in one way or another.  It is a daily war on the adversary.  One thing I have learned that has impacted me most is that being positive can change your life!  This small mental adjustment can change your life. 

It is also important for us to be able to distinguish between our emotions and our thoughts.  Our thoughts are what often become skewed in our desire to understand why we are not receiving that specific blessing.  Our minds will often tell us,  I am not having a child or getting married or I struggle because I am... not praying daily, not attending church, have messed up in the past. etc...  Sometimes it's more physical.  I am not getting this blessing because I am not taking care of my body or I was given this body because I am not loved or I am being punished for...  Whatever our mind is telling us we have to make sure we keep it in check.  The adversary WILL and does use our thoughts against us on a daily basis.  Especially in times of struggle.  On a normal day we usually dismiss these thoughts and go on with our day.  When we are going through something hard, these thoughts become truths.  

After every miscarriage my mind ALWAYS goes back to...you are not righteous enough.  Your body is broken, you are not a woman and your husband should marry someone else who can give him children.  I truly believed these things.  My inability to keep a pregnancy made me unworthy of love.  I was being punished for not doing what I was always told to do in order to receive blessings...or so I thought.  I knew it wasn't true in my heart even though in my upset mind it made complete sense.  My head was full of self depreciating thoughts but my heart was trying to tell me otherwise.  Eventually I got tired of feeling and being so negative.  I wanted to get back to who I was before.  I decided a change needed to happen.  Every time I had a self depreciating thought I would remind myself who that came from and that it wasn't true.  At first it was rough.  The thoughts wouldn't stop and they started to sound truthful.  Overtime it became more easy to counter those negative thoughts.  I started to actually believe the positive thoughts about myself and better yet, my thoughts were becoming more positive on their own!  I will never be the same person I was before we started this journey to have children.  I am okay with that because I am happy with who I am now even though I don't have children yet.    

Every person has a natural tendency to dwell on negativity.  It seems easier in the moment or maybe we don't notice the darkness seeping into our lives.  Getting to a positive place takes that little mustard seed.  Plant it, take care of it and it WILL grow!  I know that this life is full of injustices.  It is full of sorrow and horrible things.  I also know that life is BEAUTIFUL!  I know that each of us have an innate power to overcome the negativity when it unfolds in life.  If during our most negative moments we allow ourselves the thought that maybe we are wrong, a seed will be planted.  That seed will grow and we will have a garden so dense that negativity cannot contain it.

I encourage you to accentuate the positive.  Remember how you would treat someone going through a similar experience and then treat YOURSELF the same.  Anything that does not uplift or help you is NOT from you higher power.  It is from the one being who will never have a body.  His only mission is to make your life Hell.  He will use whatever means are necessary!  The more you counteract his dark arts the stronger you get.  I know that you are more powerful.  I know that as you counteract the negative with the positive you will become who you want to be.  You will be happy.  You will have the power to change lives.  You are amazing!  

What's next?

Here's the latest.  I was told I have epstein barr which is Mononucleosis.  It is latent and chronic...as mono is unless it's active.  I was put on a bunch of supplements and a "diet" to help aid my body in fighting off the virus as it has been linked to miscarriages.  However I work in a hospital for women with eating disorders and I eat every 2 hrs with the girls, so i am mainly doing the supplements and the diet when I can. I do notice a difference in my body when I'm eating according to the plan verses not.  Its pretty amazing how certain foods make one sick and you have no clue because its normal for you.  I pray my higher power will magnify my efforts.
We have gotten off the hulkosterone and will be on birth control until we decide to move forward with implanting again.  I have had a few people close to me announce they are pregnant.  It still hurts a lot,  but I'm trying to be excited for more children in my life.  I think about if they had to go through this.  I can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm glad they don't have fertility struggles.  We all have our own struggles.  These struggles may be the hardest we ever deal with in this life.  I also know we will get through them.  First off there is no choice and second we all have an intense desire to be happy or to be peaceful.  We will do whatever we need to in order to find the peace.  Sometimes that means letting go of our plan to our higher power.  It's not an overnight occurrence but a fire that will purify us and make us more happy than we thought possible.  For some it lasts a short time for others it lasts a lifetime.  Either way , there is happiness to be had and peace to be made.  I encourage you to find something that is keeping you from being happy or finding peace and ponder what needs to happen in your life for you to get there. Start working towards that goal.  There may be many steps and you may feel overwhelmed.  Work on one thing at a time and then add in the next thing.  I know there are a million things we are "supposed" to be doing.  If we do one at a time we will see the progress and feel the happiness and peace instead of overwhelmed at all the other things we're not doing yet. 
Life is short...take it one day and one thing at a time.

Hulkosterone

Here's the update:
The week before presidents day I was told that our next step would be for me to have a procedure called a hysteroscopy.  Landry and I weren't sure if we were ready to move forward.  After a few long talks and some serious thinking about it we decided it was time to get it done. 
A Hysteroscopy is a minor surgical procedure where they put under anesthesia while the doctor explores your uterus with a scope.  They are looking for polyps, fibroids, scare tissue and any sign of infection.  They put you under so they can remove things if they find anything. 
I called the doctor Monday morning and told them we were ready to get the procedure done.  I called her on day 11 of my cycle...that was the last day they would be able to do the procedure without us needing to wait another month.  I prepared to just wait another month but had a silent prayer in my heart that if we needed to get it done now it would all figure itself out.  The nurse called me and there had been a cancelation that day.  People at work were amazing and I was able to get the Hysteroscopy done a few hours later. 
As we drove to the doctors office we were hopeful they would find something...anything that could explain our recurrent miscarriages.  The doctor talked to us for a minute beforehand and informed us of what would happen if they found anything.  Finding something  would add months onto our being able to implant again.  I wasn't sure if I wanted them to find something or not. 
I got in my pretty robe, hospital slippers and hair net.  They took me back and an hour later I was waking up in recovery.  (I must say the best part of all of this is probably the anesthesia?  Best sleep I ever get!)  Anyways.  I am waking up...still out of it and things are just flying out of my mouth that I would otherwise not say.  Luckily my husband is stuck with me.  Enter the doctor.  He shows me photos of my lovely uterus.  Everything looked good except there was the possibility of one polyp. He said it wasn't in a place he was worried about but they biopsied it and we would get results in a week. 
We go home and I sleep off the remnants of the anesthesia.
 A week goes by and I didn't get a phone call so I assume that they found nothing...once again.  It's kind of frustrating and a let down but a relief too.  It is hard to spend money, that was originally intended for a trip to Disneyland, on another test or another gamble. 
A few days later.  I get a phone call from one of the nurses from the doctors office.  She tells me that I did in fact have a polyp and now get to go on a type of  progesterone that helps to calm polyps.  I get to be on it for an entire month!  If the Hulk had an evil sister who had an acne flair up...I'd be her while taking the pill form of progesterone.  But...it must be done.
After the hulkosterone they will put me on birth control and then things will be decided from there on when we want to implant again. 

Take it easy.

I have been pondering a few different things.  The first is our inability to adequately communicate about loss. 
Let's say someone has lost their spouse to cancer.  One of our first responses is to reassure them that they will be fine because they can marry again or find someone new.  I don't see how this is sensitive to their situation.  Same goes for people who have lost a child or pregnancy.  We try to comfort them and say well...you can try again or maybe it will work next time. These "reassurances" completely diminish the fact that this person is struggling and hurting right now.  Loss is a part of life.  Everyone will experience loss in their life.  The best thing we can do is listen.  Really listen.
This leads me to the next thing I have been thinking about.  Everyone will experience loss in their lifetime.  Everyone will work through their loss in a different way.  I want to give an example to help get my thoughts across. 
We have 2 different people.  One of them has been abused and the others parents were divorced.  We as a society will feel more sympathy for the person who had been abused.  We kind ofjust give the other person a pat on the back and tell them "it happens".  While they are not the same, my point is this. The divorce can feel like as much of a loss to that  person as the abuse did to the other person.  We are all wired differently and things affect us differently.  It is our differences that make us beautiful!  My hope is that we don't judge people by the way they get through their losses.   
While I don't think we "signed up" for bad things to happen.  We did come here to earth to be tested and tried.  We will never hear our higher power say that we went through that one trial the wrong way.  Especially if our hearts are in the right place. When we are in our trials we are strengthening our realization that we are amazing!  You are doing the best you can with what you know.  While it hurts in the moment, each trial helps us grow that much more.  Take it easy on yourself.

Hope

I had a dream last night.  I was in a house with some strangers when we became surrounded by 5 big tornadoes consisting of 5 funnels each.  Immediately we all got up and ran to the basement.  By the time we got to the basement the strangers had changed into my family.  I remember the defining emotion in the dream was fear.
When I woke up I looked up the meaning of tornadoes in your dreams.  It talked about anger or volatile people in your life.  It also talked about the meaning being the emotion you remember feeling most clearly during your dream.  for me...fear.  Now I cannot say I believe in everything that dreams "say".  I do believe that circumstances in life can translate into what we dream about.
It wasn't until talking with my mom that I was able to put a finger on what I was so fearful about.  I am scared to go forth with fertility treatments.  At this moment, if I could be done with trying to have my own children, I would.  Some may say...then be done.  The fear for me comes from knowing that I need to keep moving forward because it is what needs to be done.
These last few months since we miscarried have been some of the lowest and hardest months of my life.  I write this not to get sympathy but because I want people to know what many people go through.
These last few months I have walked around with a myriad of primary and secondary emotions.  Anger, sadness, frustration, worthlessness, despair, confusion etc...  All of which added up to my own personal version of depression.  My body has essentially been in shambles from a year solid of pills, hormones, tests, poking, prodding, emotional ups and downs...my body was done.  5 years of trying to have a child had added up.   Little did I know I was about to feel it all!  Every new baby announcement, every new pregnancy, every baby shower...they add to the chaos and emptiness you are feeling inside.  They all made me that much more emotionally exhausted.

Through these past few months I have also realized that it is okay to struggle.  It is okay to be mad for a while.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to NOT know what you need.  Sometimes the only thing that you can do is survive or exist.  I understand that this may sound dramatic to many.  I even felt like I was being overly dramatic at times, but it was how I was feeling and I eventually had to learn to NOT judge it.  I had to learn that my body is not a machine.  It is my home and a place I need to take care of.  it too needs time to recooperate.  I have learned that some things do NOT happen for a reason.  I have learned, once again, that having kids does not define the amazing person I am.
I am sitting here thinking about all the men and women going through this.  Infertility. (Or any trial you may be facing.)  It could be the hardest thing  you will have to carry in this life. However you feel you are moving through this journey...know that you are doing the best you can with what you know.
We don't know how the journey will end.  We dont know if it will end.  The only thing we know is how we felt when we made the steps to begin this journey.  We know through the journey there has been peace.  We know that we followed that peace and that in and of itself should give us peace.
I know that in these moments of time it is okay not to have the answers.  It's okay to allow yourself time to heal and essentially get your ducks in a row and it's okay to take your time.  I also know that as we keep moving forward, whatever that means, we will be blessed with even more insight and guidance than before.  I know this because the man upstairs has led us here and he'll lead us out.
I also know that right now in these moments all we need is for people not to judge us but to support us.  Tell us it's okay to be mad.  Because we are already tearing ourselves down inside.
If you have a friend that is going through this trial...be there with them.  We don't need people to do for us but to be there with us.  To be mad with us.  To take our hand when we are scared to death of moving forward because we are hurting so much.  Be there to just exist with us.
Time does heal. If we allow it.  Let those around you help lift you up.  You are worth it.  You deserve it.  You are amazing.  The adversary would have you feel you are drowning in the bitter depths of hell because you are not "dealing appropriately".  I am telling you that you are.  You are incredible for just being alive and being brave.
Through these last few months there is one thing that has not left me for a second and that is hope.  I hope that you too can hang on to the hope that you will come out on top.  it may or may not mean having children of your own.  But I Hope that you are getting to a place where you can truly be happy.  Wherever that may be or what that may look like.  You will get there because you have hope.