Who are we?

You and your hubby are trying EVERYTHING just to have a baby.  There have been times when your efforts to have a baby seem to border on obsession.  It has been your life's goal your entire married life.  Then you have your second failed IVF attempt you look into adoption...it's just not the right timing.  You feel it is time to take a long break.  You are relieved and feel kind of bad that you are actually happy to put babies on hold(peaceful sigh).  Finally some time to just be a normal human and not a skin filled bag of artificial hormones with billions of pin holes.  You can allow your body go back to what it does best...find it's own balance. 
Fast forward 2 months.  You wake up in the middle of the night almost startled because the voice in your head and things your body is doing tell you "You're pregnant."  You can't sleep for an hour or so because you are freaking out.  You had just decided to go to school (yay) and that you were honestly and truthfully good without kids for now.  You had found your peace in the fact that you may not have kids in this life and you were content.  A few days later aunt flow doesn't come.  Oh crap!  Did you really get knocked up on accident!?   You are feeling EXHAUSTED!  The kind you have felt many times before...among other symptoms.  You allow a moment of excitement at the prospect of having a baby within the same year of two of your sisters.  It makes you cry because you would love it.  But you cannot get too excited because you might jinx it.  So you don't.
A week later you go out with your family (still no aunt flow).  You are listening to your sisters talk about their babies due later that year and in the back of your mind you are hoping you can join the conversation soon.  But wait...what's this...cramps?  Maybe they will go away if I will them to. Then the light spotting...well this can be normal for some people in early pregnancy...right?.  But the cramps don't go away.  Maybe it's them embryo embedding into your uterus.  The cramps never get like when you normally start your period so maybe the embryo is really just making itself comfortable in there.  (Nice doggy bed.)  All the while you are confused as to why you want it to be a pregnancy when you had already decided it was okay not to have babies for now...Anyways.  You wake up the next morning and know for sure that either your body is very confused or you miscarried.  It sucks this time but you're used to the pain.  In fact it's not really pain anymore.  It's just normal.  You are numb to it.  Why did you even think it was a possibility?  Silly girl. 

I know that while going through the trials in our lives...sometimes they don't sting as much.  Hopefully it's because we have grown in our spirituality.  We realize that if we allow the adversary in he will use the experiences in life we go through to bring us down to his level.  We have power over him.  We are strong and we are amazing men and women.  We can do hard things.  We DO hard things, sometimes daily.  We choose to oppose what the world would otherwise tell us is the "right" thing to do or the "correct" way to feel or the "acceptable" way to act in life's situations.  We can follow society or the adversary and be angry and mad that hard things happen...life happens.  I know that when in our trials we will go to those places of negativity for a minute...we are human.  But it is our ability to overcome and persevere that makes us different.  It brings us up and closer to our higher power.  When we feel the joy and peace from choosing our higher power over the world...we will never want to go back! 

Making lemonade out of life

I heard a story of a woman who wanted to make lemonade fresh from her tree.  She picked the perfect lemons and squeezed each of them by hand.  She carefully added the perfect amount of sugar.  To her surprise the lemonade was not refreshing but potently sourand lacking something.  She thought about what was missing and realized an important ingredient was water.  Once she added water a little at a time she found the lemonade became delicious to the taste, erasing the initial shock of just lemon juice and sugar.
I thought about life and how each of us are given lemons.  We aren't given a recipe on how to use or navigate these lemons.  We use trial and error in order to find what works.  What I have been thinking about is how we don't have to figure it out alone. 
I was reading a hymn, number 185.  It is the only hymn written from the perspective of the Savior.  In the 3rd verse it says"in the solemn faith of prayer cast upon me all thy care, and my spirit's grace shall be like a fountain unto thee."
In our trials is it normal for us to pull away from our higher power because he is supposed to be there protecting us...right?  Maybe we are tasting lemons because we deserve it. 
I am here to tell you that we can cast our cares on the Lord.  We can talk to Him as if he is there beside us and lay it out to Him.  He wants us to!  When we do this He will give us His spirit. 
This last round of IVF we did I had changed my prayers.  I asked that if it wasn't meant to work that He would bless us with peace in the outcome.  I can honestly tell you that He did! 
Our higher power can make the lemons sweet.  It is up to us to add the water through our decision to draw nearer to Him in the times when we may be most angry with Him. 
I know in those moments of refining we feel like we're inadequate in many ways.  I am here to tell you that you are not inadequate!  We are using trial and error to find the recipe that works!
I encourage you to learn how to draw upon the sweetness of the spirit and the living water of the gospel to make even the most sour lemons into the sweetest lemonade.  Doing so will not change the fact that lemons are sour but it will make them more tolerable.
I know we will never enjoy the process of making lemonade, but it will become easier.  We will learn to adjust the sweetness and water as needed.  We will be able to look back and say "for how horrible those lemons were...that lemonade was pretty good" 
You are capable.  You are amazing.  You are strong and you are loved.  He loves you.  I know that is true.  Cast upon Him all thy cares and you will feel His love.  Put it to the test.  All you have to lose is the bitterness of life's lemons.  

This brought me peace. I hope you feel it too.

http://tofw.com/blogs/one-more-day-with-him

Third times a charm?

Today we got the results of our second implantation...negative.  it sucks but not as hard as miscarrying. 
We decided to not tell anyone this time because it was hard to tell everyone last time.  Once you thought everyone knew...another one creeped out and we had to tell yet another person. 
We decided to follow the Dr's suggestion this time and only implanted one embryo.  A little boy.  He wasn't meant to be.  We have 2 boys and a girl in the bank still.  We're hoping on at least one of them. 
It was really interesting how both Landry and I knew the results before they called us.  We had a sense of peace.  I didn't like it because I knew what it meant.  At the same time we were okay with the answer we got. 
I know that the Father supports us ESPECIALLY when we struggle. 
We are blessed with 3 more embryos and are not sure when they'll get used, but I do know they are ours and for that we are grateful. 
Thank you for the support.  We know you are supporting us.  Even without words. 
As of right now we are hoping that the third times a charm:) 

Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative.

I have recently realized that as we go through trials positive thoughts, or feelings rarely cross our minds.  Why is it?  I think it is in part because we were taught if we we're "righteous"  or " good" that we'd be given all  blessings.  What we don't realize is that we are never promised those said blessings in this life.  We go through life doing good and expecting the blessings to immediately or shortly thereafter follow.  I know that through our trials sometimes the only blessing we get is peace and assurance.  Eventually we come to realize that peace and assurance, however they come, are blessings in and of themselves.   

I work in a hospital for women with eating disorders. It can be a very negative place to work.  Some of these women have the most intense self hatred, self doubt and negative thinking about themselves.  They believe that if they lose a few more pounds they will be made whole in one way or another.  It is a daily war on the adversary.  One thing I have learned that has impacted me most is that being positive can change your life!  This small mental adjustment can change your life. 

It is also important for us to be able to distinguish between our emotions and our thoughts.  Our thoughts are what often become skewed in our desire to understand why we are not receiving that specific blessing.  Our minds will often tell us,  I am not having a child or getting married or I struggle because I am... not praying daily, not attending church, have messed up in the past. etc...  Sometimes it's more physical.  I am not getting this blessing because I am not taking care of my body or I was given this body because I am not loved or I am being punished for...  Whatever our mind is telling us we have to make sure we keep it in check.  The adversary WILL and does use our thoughts against us on a daily basis.  Especially in times of struggle.  On a normal day we usually dismiss these thoughts and go on with our day.  When we are going through something hard, these thoughts become truths.  

After every miscarriage my mind ALWAYS goes back to...you are not righteous enough.  Your body is broken, you are not a woman and your husband should marry someone else who can give him children.  I truly believed these things.  My inability to keep a pregnancy made me unworthy of love.  I was being punished for not doing what I was always told to do in order to receive blessings...or so I thought.  I knew it wasn't true in my heart even though in my upset mind it made complete sense.  My head was full of self depreciating thoughts but my heart was trying to tell me otherwise.  Eventually I got tired of feeling and being so negative.  I wanted to get back to who I was before.  I decided a change needed to happen.  Every time I had a self depreciating thought I would remind myself who that came from and that it wasn't true.  At first it was rough.  The thoughts wouldn't stop and they started to sound truthful.  Overtime it became more easy to counter those negative thoughts.  I started to actually believe the positive thoughts about myself and better yet, my thoughts were becoming more positive on their own!  I will never be the same person I was before we started this journey to have children.  I am okay with that because I am happy with who I am now even though I don't have children yet.    

Every person has a natural tendency to dwell on negativity.  It seems easier in the moment or maybe we don't notice the darkness seeping into our lives.  Getting to a positive place takes that little mustard seed.  Plant it, take care of it and it WILL grow!  I know that this life is full of injustices.  It is full of sorrow and horrible things.  I also know that life is BEAUTIFUL!  I know that each of us have an innate power to overcome the negativity when it unfolds in life.  If during our most negative moments we allow ourselves the thought that maybe we are wrong, a seed will be planted.  That seed will grow and we will have a garden so dense that negativity cannot contain it.

I encourage you to accentuate the positive.  Remember how you would treat someone going through a similar experience and then treat YOURSELF the same.  Anything that does not uplift or help you is NOT from you higher power.  It is from the one being who will never have a body.  His only mission is to make your life Hell.  He will use whatever means are necessary!  The more you counteract his dark arts the stronger you get.  I know that you are more powerful.  I know that as you counteract the negative with the positive you will become who you want to be.  You will be happy.  You will have the power to change lives.  You are amazing!  

What's next?

Here's the latest.  I was told I have epstein barr which is Mononucleosis.  It is latent and chronic...as mono is unless it's active.  I was put on a bunch of supplements and a "diet" to help aid my body in fighting off the virus as it has been linked to miscarriages.  However I work in a hospital for women with eating disorders and I eat every 2 hrs with the girls, so i am mainly doing the supplements and the diet when I can. I do notice a difference in my body when I'm eating according to the plan verses not.  Its pretty amazing how certain foods make one sick and you have no clue because its normal for you.  I pray my higher power will magnify my efforts.
We have gotten off the hulkosterone and will be on birth control until we decide to move forward with implanting again.  I have had a few people close to me announce they are pregnant.  It still hurts a lot,  but I'm trying to be excited for more children in my life.  I think about if they had to go through this.  I can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm glad they don't have fertility struggles.  We all have our own struggles.  These struggles may be the hardest we ever deal with in this life.  I also know we will get through them.  First off there is no choice and second we all have an intense desire to be happy or to be peaceful.  We will do whatever we need to in order to find the peace.  Sometimes that means letting go of our plan to our higher power.  It's not an overnight occurrence but a fire that will purify us and make us more happy than we thought possible.  For some it lasts a short time for others it lasts a lifetime.  Either way , there is happiness to be had and peace to be made.  I encourage you to find something that is keeping you from being happy or finding peace and ponder what needs to happen in your life for you to get there. Start working towards that goal.  There may be many steps and you may feel overwhelmed.  Work on one thing at a time and then add in the next thing.  I know there are a million things we are "supposed" to be doing.  If we do one at a time we will see the progress and feel the happiness and peace instead of overwhelmed at all the other things we're not doing yet. 
Life is short...take it one day and one thing at a time.

Hulkosterone

Here's the update:
The week before presidents day I was told that our next step would be for me to have a procedure called a hysteroscopy.  Landry and I weren't sure if we were ready to move forward.  After a few long talks and some serious thinking about it we decided it was time to get it done. 
A Hysteroscopy is a minor surgical procedure where they put under anesthesia while the doctor explores your uterus with a scope.  They are looking for polyps, fibroids, scare tissue and any sign of infection.  They put you under so they can remove things if they find anything. 
I called the doctor Monday morning and told them we were ready to get the procedure done.  I called her on day 11 of my cycle...that was the last day they would be able to do the procedure without us needing to wait another month.  I prepared to just wait another month but had a silent prayer in my heart that if we needed to get it done now it would all figure itself out.  The nurse called me and there had been a cancelation that day.  People at work were amazing and I was able to get the Hysteroscopy done a few hours later. 
As we drove to the doctors office we were hopeful they would find something...anything that could explain our recurrent miscarriages.  The doctor talked to us for a minute beforehand and informed us of what would happen if they found anything.  Finding something  would add months onto our being able to implant again.  I wasn't sure if I wanted them to find something or not. 
I got in my pretty robe, hospital slippers and hair net.  They took me back and an hour later I was waking up in recovery.  (I must say the best part of all of this is probably the anesthesia?  Best sleep I ever get!)  Anyways.  I am waking up...still out of it and things are just flying out of my mouth that I would otherwise not say.  Luckily my husband is stuck with me.  Enter the doctor.  He shows me photos of my lovely uterus.  Everything looked good except there was the possibility of one polyp. He said it wasn't in a place he was worried about but they biopsied it and we would get results in a week. 
We go home and I sleep off the remnants of the anesthesia.
 A week goes by and I didn't get a phone call so I assume that they found nothing...once again.  It's kind of frustrating and a let down but a relief too.  It is hard to spend money, that was originally intended for a trip to Disneyland, on another test or another gamble. 
A few days later.  I get a phone call from one of the nurses from the doctors office.  She tells me that I did in fact have a polyp and now get to go on a type of  progesterone that helps to calm polyps.  I get to be on it for an entire month!  If the Hulk had an evil sister who had an acne flair up...I'd be her while taking the pill form of progesterone.  But...it must be done.
After the hulkosterone they will put me on birth control and then things will be decided from there on when we want to implant again.