Be more gentle with yourself

First things first...two weeks after you find out whether all those shots, pills and drs visits helped produce a child, you get to go in for an ultrasound.  I HATE ultrasounds!  The anxiety the promote within me is incredible.  Any part of my rational mind goes out the window...or at least that's how I feel.  Anyways...
Two weeks after finding out we got a positive pregnancy test we had an ultrasound.  I had Googled how big the embryo should be in millimeters and how fast the heart should be beating...I wanted to go in knowing what the doc is saying when he throws out a bunch of numbers to the nurse on hand. 
We go in and get ready for a trasvaginal ultrasound.  Gross.  The doctor gets in and preface the ultrasound with "there's a 50% chance that there will not be a heartbeat yet."  My heart drops because I want to see a heartbeat.  I want everything to be perfect for once.  He goes in and immediately there's evidence of a pregnancy.  Eventually we see the faint flicker of a heartbeat.  We are reluctantly happy. Still scared for the upcoming measurements to see if the baby is the right size.  He measures the yolk sac...looks good.  He measures what appears to be from head to rump...looks good.  The baby looks perfect in every way possible.  We try to hear the heartbeat which is pretty hard to hear at 6 weeks but there it is...102 beats a minute...perfect.  Relief is an unserstatement.  Nothing like last year where baby was a bit behind in all ways.  we left after scheduling another ultrasound for two more weeks out.   
Fast forward 2 more weeks...we're almost 8 weeks along.  Same emotions only this time i had an emotional breakdown before leaving work and heading to the ultrasound.  I know it's hormones but add anxiety and negative past experiences and I had near a full blown freak out.  What was left of my rational mind helped me realize I was having a panic attack and I was able to talk myself down from the nightmare U had built in my mind. 
We went back quickly to the room and the doctor was even faster into the room this time.  We get down to business...pregnancy evidence...check.  heartbeat...check.  then he measures the baby...the baby is measuring...perfect.  You can tell that it has at least doubled, maybe tripled in size and it's beautiful.  You can see bones forming as well as arms, legs and the spine.  The doctor shows you the embryonic sac and everything he can see.  You almost wish you could watch them grow everyday but would prefer not having ultrasounds everyday.
We have felt an immense amount of support, love and peace.  If anyone reading this is struggling through fertility or another personal matter, know this.  You are loved.  You are prayed for.  You are in the most capable hands.  I know that as you continue taking steps forward in faith,that you will feel uplifted.  You will feel peace that will help you through the toughest times.  I know there will be times of growth and you may feel alone.  I also know it is often because we distance ourselves from the source from which we find peace, comfort and joy.  Remember Him.  Go to Him.  At times all you may be able to do is believe, pray or even hope for His plan.  In those moments that is all that is required of you.  Keep progressing towards becoming better...but remember to be more gentle with yourself.  He loves us and will forgive as we do our best.  Don't criticize or judge your best.  Accept your best and then increase it.  That is all he asks as we go through the trials he gives us. 

The results are in...

Wednesday and Thursday were a struggle this week.  The hope and peace I had felt were clouded over by doubt.  I was having anxiety that maybe those feelings of hope and peace I had were wrong.  Maybe we were supposed to do a cycle of in-vitro but it wasn't supposed to work. I wouldn't say I was a mess because deep down the underlying feeling was peaceful but it was disheartening.

In the midst of feeling so confused I listened to a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  He talked about how in the moment you decide to move towards God is the same moment that blessings are showered upon you.  He talked about how the light will take over in your life and provide feelings of peace.  He then mentioned how the darkness you felt before will not disappear right away, but gradually, as you continually move towards God.  I felt the truth of those words in that moment.  I knew that I had been feeling the beautiful sunshine of my God's love and in that moment I was feeling the darkness of emotions from so many failed years of trying to conceive.  

Thursday morning rolls around and I am nervous to get my blood drawn or rather nervous to get the results.  On the way there I try to imagine all the anxiety and emotions I was feeling draining out of me and going into a giant balloon.  The balloon filled with many different colors and emotions, past and present.  I gave that balloon to my Savior and had to give myself permission to let him have it.  It was a good exercise for me and allowed me to find the peace and comfort once again.  

A few hours after getting my blood drawn the nurse calls from the doctors office.  I answer and the nurse goes right into telling me my hcg number.  They were a lot higher than I had anticipated.  We were in fact pregnant.  The pregnancy test I took at home wasn't lying.  I was relieved...and then nervous.  

It is amazing how the journey's that we take promote so many different emotions.  In the end the only thing that matters is if you feel peace about your decision.  There is something about going through a trial.  Something so hard it hurts to think about...but in the end the world feels right because you felt peaceful.  

I encourage you to follow that peace.  Seek after it and do what you need to in order to feel it.  In the end of all your life and even at the end of your day.  If you followed the peace, you will be at peace.

As a side note...yes we do know the gender of our child already.  We thank you for respecting our decision to announce the gender when we are ready, in our own way.  When it happens, you can be sure we will post something on this blog.  

Didn't see this one coming!

It's been a while since I last wrote...Here is the latest from the beginning...or September.
Landry and I had decided to really take a break especially since we had that weird month in July where we thought we were pregnant on our own but we weren't.  We weren't going to set a timeline for anything!  I was going back to school and that was all that mattered.  One morning early in September I was driving to work and something sparked my thoughts to the topic of children.  I started thinking about when we were going to try again...not very seriously...until I had this overwhelming feeling that we needed to implant in October.  I literally made it to my office and started crying.  I was content with it just being us and not doing anything about babies for a while if ever again.  I knew we needed to move forward but I didn't want to.  I said a prayer that if this is what needed to happen that Landry would be on the same page.
Fast forward a bit.  It was the weekend of September 11th and I found the time to talk with Landry about the experience I had.  I relayed the feelings to him and I also told him I didn't want to pick the gender this time.  I wanted to give up ALL the "power" possible.  After a long talk we still hadn't come to any firm conclusion but we were both going to continue to think about it.  Less than a week later it was time to make a decision.  We'd need to start medications that week if we were going to implant in October.  (Yes.  For a frozen embryo transfer you are on all sorts of medications for about 6 weeks.)  I knew my answer and when I called Landry for his, he agreed that we needed to move forward.
After six weeks on birth control, lupron shots and estrogen.  A few weeks on progesterone and estrogen, plus a few blood draws and ultrasounds we finally implanted on October 27th, 2016.  We didn't pick the gender of the embryo and sure are glad we didn't.
The day came to implant and we went in for the transfer.  I didn't drink 40oz of water like I drank the year prior because it was so uncomfortable and I didn't want to risk having my bladder drained and pee getting all over the floor and doctor.  Instead I settled on 15 ounces and still had to use the bathroom before we went in.  they gave me some happy pills and took us back to change into the hospital clothes they had for us.  There was one couple before us...then it was out turn.
When you go back they make you really comfortable.  (as comfortable as possible considering you have no pants on.), you essentially confirm that you are who you are a million times to the different doctors and embryologist.  Being on happy pills they could have asked me if I was Mickey Mouse and I would have agreed.  They asked if we wanted to know which embryo they picked and of course we did.  They told us it was a little baby...nah.  We're going to make you wait to find out the gender!  They said the embryo looked nice and plump from it's frozen state.  They gave us babies first photo in embryo form and sucked the embryo up in a tube...then we watched the embryo be what I assume feels like being rocket launched, to the embryo, into my uterus.  (They say it's like putting an embryo in the middle of a peanut butter sandwich so it won't come out when you stand up.)  Then they have you rest the remaining portion of the day.  They have you schedule a blood hcg quantity test for two weeks later.  That is when you find out if it worked.
This time around has been the easiest transfer this far.  We feel really good about this time around.  I tell Landry it is amazing how at peace I am with it.  I don't have the feeling of dread or superstition like I did with some of the other ones.  We have NO idea if this is going to work and it's time for us to have a child...BUT we do know that we are praying for courage to accept His will and obey it whatever it may be.  It will hurt for a time if this didn't pan out, but through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we can have that pain completely taken away!  We must be willing to give it to him.
We were at church and I was thinking about one of my dearest friends who just found out one of her fertility treatments was not successful.  It reminded me of all the times in life that something we want more than anything doesn't work out.  We sang "Abide with me tis eventide" and I started crying.  I KNOW that no matter what we go through our Heavenly Father is there.  He respects us for trying our best and keeping true to the tools and gospel he gave us.  He knows that this life is the hardest thing we will ever do.  He knows us personally.  He knows the intents of our hearts.  He knows what will help us to become the most amazing person, and spirit we can be.  Oftentimes it means going through our own personal hell and back.
My hope is that as we struggle through our insecurities, through our trials and that if we only learn one thing it is this...He is always there with His arms outstretched towards you.  He knows it's hard.  He knows everything about what you are going through...and He can take it all away...if you let Him through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.

Who are we?

You and your hubby are trying EVERYTHING just to have a baby.  There have been times when your efforts to have a baby seem to border on obsession.  It has been your life's goal your entire married life.  Then you have your second failed IVF attempt you look into adoption...it's just not the right timing.  You feel it is time to take a long break.  You are relieved and feel kind of bad that you are actually happy to put babies on hold(peaceful sigh).  Finally some time to just be a normal human and not a skin filled bag of artificial hormones with billions of pin holes.  You can allow your body go back to what it does best...find it's own balance. 
Fast forward 2 months.  You wake up in the middle of the night almost startled because the voice in your head and things your body is doing tell you "You're pregnant."  You can't sleep for an hour or so because you are freaking out.  You had just decided to go to school (yay) and that you were honestly and truthfully good without kids for now.  You had found your peace in the fact that you may not have kids in this life and you were content.  A few days later aunt flow doesn't come.  Oh crap!  Did you really get knocked up on accident!?   You are feeling EXHAUSTED!  The kind you have felt many times before...among other symptoms.  You allow a moment of excitement at the prospect of having a baby within the same year of two of your sisters.  It makes you cry because you would love it.  But you cannot get too excited because you might jinx it.  So you don't.
A week later you go out with your family (still no aunt flow).  You are listening to your sisters talk about their babies due later that year and in the back of your mind you are hoping you can join the conversation soon.  But wait...what's this...cramps?  Maybe they will go away if I will them to. Then the light spotting...well this can be normal for some people in early pregnancy...right?.  But the cramps don't go away.  Maybe it's them embryo embedding into your uterus.  The cramps never get like when you normally start your period so maybe the embryo is really just making itself comfortable in there.  (Nice doggy bed.)  All the while you are confused as to why you want it to be a pregnancy when you had already decided it was okay not to have babies for now...Anyways.  You wake up the next morning and know for sure that either your body is very confused or you miscarried.  It sucks this time but you're used to the pain.  In fact it's not really pain anymore.  It's just normal.  You are numb to it.  Why did you even think it was a possibility?  Silly girl. 

I know that while going through the trials in our lives...sometimes they don't sting as much.  Hopefully it's because we have grown in our spirituality.  We realize that if we allow the adversary in he will use the experiences in life we go through to bring us down to his level.  We have power over him.  We are strong and we are amazing men and women.  We can do hard things.  We DO hard things, sometimes daily.  We choose to oppose what the world would otherwise tell us is the "right" thing to do or the "correct" way to feel or the "acceptable" way to act in life's situations.  We can follow society or the adversary and be angry and mad that hard things happen...life happens.  I know that when in our trials we will go to those places of negativity for a minute...we are human.  But it is our ability to overcome and persevere that makes us different.  It brings us up and closer to our higher power.  When we feel the joy and peace from choosing our higher power over the world...we will never want to go back! 

Making lemonade out of life

I heard a story of a woman who wanted to make lemonade fresh from her tree.  She picked the perfect lemons and squeezed each of them by hand.  She carefully added the perfect amount of sugar.  To her surprise the lemonade was not refreshing but potently sourand lacking something.  She thought about what was missing and realized an important ingredient was water.  Once she added water a little at a time she found the lemonade became delicious to the taste, erasing the initial shock of just lemon juice and sugar.
I thought about life and how each of us are given lemons.  We aren't given a recipe on how to use or navigate these lemons.  We use trial and error in order to find what works.  What I have been thinking about is how we don't have to figure it out alone. 
I was reading a hymn, number 185.  It is the only hymn written from the perspective of the Savior.  In the 3rd verse it says"in the solemn faith of prayer cast upon me all thy care, and my spirit's grace shall be like a fountain unto thee."
In our trials is it normal for us to pull away from our higher power because he is supposed to be there protecting us...right?  Maybe we are tasting lemons because we deserve it. 
I am here to tell you that we can cast our cares on the Lord.  We can talk to Him as if he is there beside us and lay it out to Him.  He wants us to!  When we do this He will give us His spirit. 
This last round of IVF we did I had changed my prayers.  I asked that if it wasn't meant to work that He would bless us with peace in the outcome.  I can honestly tell you that He did! 
Our higher power can make the lemons sweet.  It is up to us to add the water through our decision to draw nearer to Him in the times when we may be most angry with Him. 
I know in those moments of refining we feel like we're inadequate in many ways.  I am here to tell you that you are not inadequate!  We are using trial and error to find the recipe that works!
I encourage you to learn how to draw upon the sweetness of the spirit and the living water of the gospel to make even the most sour lemons into the sweetest lemonade.  Doing so will not change the fact that lemons are sour but it will make them more tolerable.
I know we will never enjoy the process of making lemonade, but it will become easier.  We will learn to adjust the sweetness and water as needed.  We will be able to look back and say "for how horrible those lemons were...that lemonade was pretty good" 
You are capable.  You are amazing.  You are strong and you are loved.  He loves you.  I know that is true.  Cast upon Him all thy cares and you will feel His love.  Put it to the test.  All you have to lose is the bitterness of life's lemons.  

This brought me peace. I hope you feel it too.

http://tofw.com/blogs/one-more-day-with-him

Third times a charm?

Today we got the results of our second implantation...negative.  it sucks but not as hard as miscarrying. 
We decided to not tell anyone this time because it was hard to tell everyone last time.  Once you thought everyone knew...another one creeped out and we had to tell yet another person. 
We decided to follow the Dr's suggestion this time and only implanted one embryo.  A little boy.  He wasn't meant to be.  We have 2 boys and a girl in the bank still.  We're hoping on at least one of them. 
It was really interesting how both Landry and I knew the results before they called us.  We had a sense of peace.  I didn't like it because I knew what it meant.  At the same time we were okay with the answer we got. 
I know that the Father supports us ESPECIALLY when we struggle. 
We are blessed with 3 more embryos and are not sure when they'll get used, but I do know they are ours and for that we are grateful. 
Thank you for the support.  We know you are supporting us.  Even without words. 
As of right now we are hoping that the third times a charm:)