Grateful

This week I took the blood glucose test and had my iron checked.  Everything looked good...I'm guessing as the dr never called me to tell me otherwise. 
We are likely going to have her a week early,on July 8th, as I will be having a c section due to some pre existing health conditions that make it scary to try and push a baby out. Dr's dont want you to go into labor if you're having a c section.  It will be cool to go in and know you'll have a baby a few hours later.  Scary but cool.
 
I've been filled with even more gratitude that grows daily. First  for being able to be pregnant and second to be having an easy pregnancy this far.  I still have anxiety daily that this isn't going to be.  I don't think the anxiety is due to a lack of faith.  I think it's having gone through a tramatic experience.  This experience changed me.  I will never forget all I have learned through these last 6 plus years. I will never take any of this for granted.  I know our little lady is a miracle.  A miracle that I don't know why I get to experience right now and not another.  It's actually quite intimidating to think of all the amazing people I know who are waiting and working towards the hope of a miracle of their own.  To you I say there is not a day that goes by I don't think of You!  I look at my tummy and silently pray that you too will get to experience this in whatever way is in His will for you.  I love you and respect you. I know in my own way what you are going through.  I also know that this struggle has nothing to do with who you are right now.  That is not how it works.  You are already amazing and destined to be a force to be reckoned with.  Keep your chin up.  He loves you and is pleased with you. THAT is all that matters!
P.s.  if you wonder what a c section is like...youtube has a video that explains everything...pretty amazing! 

It's been a while

This last little while has been...in a word...interesting.  I have struggle with being able to completely enjoy this journey in some ways because I feel I am being insensitive to those who are still on their journey to having children.  This is the reason I only share via my blog.  I want to still be as sensitive as possible to those who are on their journey. 

This post is going to be my way to enjoy this journey and to challenge my thoughts of my sharing being insensitive.

There have been some things that have been easy about pregnancy and some things that have been challenging.  The most challenging thing is the irritability!  I have always been an emotional  person but being pregnant my filter is GONE and I feel out of control at times.  I remind myself that it is hormones and it helps but it seems so real and warranted in the moment! 

Most all other things I enjoy...honestly.  I love my growing belly, I love to feel baby move and kick.  Just this week Landry was able to feel her move.  It was great!  She is becoming more and more active.  I have felt her move since 12 weeks.  Early, I know.  I love feeling her moves get more and more frequent and strong.  I love when people ask me if I am pregnant...which has only happened once as I am not showing a ton yet.   I know that I am only halfway but so far it has been a great ride.  I know that the body changes will get more dramatic and I will  be uncomfortable but in the end I LOVE being able to feel this little lady's spirit and energy.  This miracle inside me. 

Tomorrow will mark 20 weeks of pregnancy.  We are at a point that we worry less each day and get more excited to meet our little girl.  Today we had our mid pregnancy ultrasound.  It was a little nerve wrecking to start as we went into the same room where we found out about some of our miscarriages.  That feeling quickly dissipated as the technician began and our baby came into view.  The technician explained all the measurements and what we were looking at.  After a little walking and some rolling from side to side to get the little lady in the right positions we got all the information and photos we needed.  The technician said she looked great!  Our due date is still July 15th and then the visit was over.  It was such a wonderful, dreamlike experience as she moved wiggled and rolled.  She sucked her thumb in one photo and  at another the technician was trying to measure one of her feet but she had a hold of with her hand.  The technician was able to gently nudge her into taking her hand off her foot long enough to get a picture of her perfect little foot.  In the end we were happy to see her little profile and to find out that she was in fact a girl.  We feel so grateful to be a part of this experience.  We were relieved to hear that baby Reynolds looked good. 
Here are some photos of today and the last few months.

19 weeks 6 days ^

 

Baby Reynolds Profile^

Baby Reynolds Feet...She showed us both of her feet after letting go of her one foot for the photo.^

We appreciate all the prayers, love, support, and all the amazing people we are surrounded by.  We look forward to raising our child with the same wonderful people in her life. 

Words cannot describe how this journey has changed us and we are ready for the changes ahead.  We know what it is like to be on the opposite end, wanting, waiting and hoping.  Feeling unworthy of children or that we didn't deserve them.  An experience like this changes one FOREVER.  It is a refiners fire like nothing some will ever experience.  I hope that those of you waiting, hoping and wanting know just how much I truly feel for you.  There is nothing comparable to the dark road of infertility.  Nothing can fill the empty feelings and the self doubt and all the things that come with trying to have children.  I know and understand the sting.  I pray that you will feel the peace and see the blessings that do come even in the darkest of times.  Follow the peaceful feelings you have and I know you will find even more peace in knowing you did His will. 

I had a hard time writing out the second part of this post.  I have come to find that with being pregnant I am trying to find myself again.  I have been the infertile woman who miscarries for so long that I don't really know who I am or will be if and when this pregnancy carries full term.  I want everyone to know that my heart aches for those of you who have gone through this life and especially this holiday season aching for a child.  I know for the last 2 years we have been recovering or working through miscarriages during the holiday season.  I know how it feels to go to a Christmas party and multiple family members announce their pregnancies.  I know what it feels like to try and smile and be happy during the holidays but secretly ache for a child to add to the chaos.  My heart goes out to you!  You are strong.  You are amazing.  You are some of the only people who can make it through such heartache and come out on top.  I love you and I know that you are being prayed for... I'm sure many people who love you.  I hope that you can find yourself in the midst of this trial and not as infertile but as strength, love, courage, perseverance and many other amazing qualities.  Find you...because you are a light to many.  You are an example of patience and meekness to many. 

I have decided not to post things directly on facebook unless they are through this blog.  This way those who would like to know about our progress can read the blog...those who are not in a place (which i completely understand) to read about our story don't have to.   

This last week on December 30th we went in to the doctors office and heard the baby's heartbeat.  It was at 162.  Baby is looking good and we are now just over12 weeks.  We are officially the furthest along we have ever been.  We are hopeful and will go in at 14 weeks for another heartbeat check.  Then again at 16 weeks.  After that we will be able to go in monthly to see how baby GIRL Reynolds is growing.  Yes...it is a girl and she is doing well.  At 9.5 weeks she measured 10 weeks...maybe she will be tall.  We will keep you posted as we see needed.  We love you all and appreciate your support and love. 

It's a...

I had a hard time writing out the second part of this post.  I have come to find that with being pregnant I am trying to find myself again.  I have been the infertile woman who miscarries for so long that I don't really know who I am or will be if and when this pregnancy carries full term.  I want everyone to know that my heart aches for those of you who have gone through this life and especially this holiday season aching for a child.  I know for the last 2 years we have been recovering or working through miscarriages.  I know how it feels to go to a Christmas party and multiple family members announce their pregnancies.  I know what it feels like to try and smile and be happy during the holidays but secretly ache for a child to add to the chaos.  My heart goes out to you!  You are strong.  You are amazing.  You are some of the only people who can make it through such heartache and come out on top.  I love you and I know that you are being prayed for by me...and I'm sure many other people.  I hope that you can find yourself in the midst of this trial and not as infertile but as strength, love, courage, perseverance and many other amazing qualities.  Find you...because you are a light to many.  You are an example of patience and meekness to many. 
I have decided not to post things on facebook unless they are through this blog.  This way those who would like to know about our progress can read the blog...those who are not in a place yet to read about our story don't have to.   



This last week on December 30th we went in to the doctors office and heard the baby's heartbeat.  It was at 162.  Baby is looking good and we are now just over 12 weeks.  We are officially the furthest along we have ever been.  We are hopeful and will go in at 14 weeks for another heartbeat check.  Then again at 16 weeks.  After that we will be able to go in monthly to see how baby GIRL Reynolds is growing.  Yes...it is a girl and she is doing well.  At 9.5 weeks she measured 10 weeks...maybe she will be tall.  We will keep you posted as we see needed.  We love you all and appreciate your support and love. 

Be more gentle with yourself

First things first...two weeks after you find out whether all those shots, pills and drs visits helped produce a child, you get to go in for an ultrasound.  I HATE ultrasounds!  The anxiety the promote within me is incredible.  Any part of my rational mind goes out the window...or at least that's how I feel.  Anyways...
Two weeks after finding out we got a positive pregnancy test we had an ultrasound.  I had Googled how big the embryo should be in millimeters and how fast the heart should be beating...I wanted to go in knowing what the doc is saying when he throws out a bunch of numbers to the nurse on hand. 
We go in and get ready for a trasvaginal ultrasound.  Gross.  The doctor gets in and preface the ultrasound with "there's a 50% chance that there will not be a heartbeat yet."  My heart drops because I want to see a heartbeat.  I want everything to be perfect for once.  He goes in and immediately there's evidence of a pregnancy.  Eventually we see the faint flicker of a heartbeat.  We are reluctantly happy. Still scared for the upcoming measurements to see if the baby is the right size.  He measures the yolk sac...looks good.  He measures what appears to be from head to rump...looks good.  The baby looks perfect in every way possible.  We try to hear the heartbeat which is pretty hard to hear at 6 weeks but there it is...102 beats a minute...perfect.  Relief is an unserstatement.  Nothing like last year where baby was a bit behind in all ways.  we left after scheduling another ultrasound for two more weeks out.   
Fast forward 2 more weeks...we're almost 8 weeks along.  Same emotions only this time i had an emotional breakdown before leaving work and heading to the ultrasound.  I know it's hormones but add anxiety and negative past experiences and I had near a full blown freak out.  What was left of my rational mind helped me realize I was having a panic attack and I was able to talk myself down from the nightmare U had built in my mind. 
We went back quickly to the room and the doctor was even faster into the room this time.  We get down to business...pregnancy evidence...check.  heartbeat...check.  then he measures the baby...the baby is measuring...perfect.  You can tell that it has at least doubled, maybe tripled in size and it's beautiful.  You can see bones forming as well as arms, legs and the spine.  The doctor shows you the embryonic sac and everything he can see.  You almost wish you could watch them grow everyday but would prefer not having ultrasounds everyday.
We have felt an immense amount of support, love and peace.  If anyone reading this is struggling through fertility or another personal matter, know this.  You are loved.  You are prayed for.  You are in the most capable hands.  I know that as you continue taking steps forward in faith,that you will feel uplifted.  You will feel peace that will help you through the toughest times.  I know there will be times of growth and you may feel alone.  I also know it is often because we distance ourselves from the source from which we find peace, comfort and joy.  Remember Him.  Go to Him.  At times all you may be able to do is believe, pray or even hope for His plan.  In those moments that is all that is required of you.  Keep progressing towards becoming better...but remember to be more gentle with yourself.  He loves us and will forgive as we do our best.  Don't criticize or judge your best.  Accept your best and then increase it.  That is all he asks as we go through the trials he gives us. 

The results are in...

Wednesday and Thursday were a struggle this week.  The hope and peace I had felt were clouded over by doubt.  I was having anxiety that maybe those feelings of hope and peace I had were wrong.  Maybe we were supposed to do a cycle of in-vitro but it wasn't supposed to work. I wouldn't say I was a mess because deep down the underlying feeling was peaceful but it was disheartening.

In the midst of feeling so confused I listened to a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  He talked about how in the moment you decide to move towards God is the same moment that blessings are showered upon you.  He talked about how the light will take over in your life and provide feelings of peace.  He then mentioned how the darkness you felt before will not disappear right away, but gradually, as you continually move towards God.  I felt the truth of those words in that moment.  I knew that I had been feeling the beautiful sunshine of my God's love and in that moment I was feeling the darkness of emotions from so many failed years of trying to conceive.  

Thursday morning rolls around and I am nervous to get my blood drawn or rather nervous to get the results.  On the way there I try to imagine all the anxiety and emotions I was feeling draining out of me and going into a giant balloon.  The balloon filled with many different colors and emotions, past and present.  I gave that balloon to my Savior and had to give myself permission to let him have it.  It was a good exercise for me and allowed me to find the peace and comfort once again.  

A few hours after getting my blood drawn the nurse calls from the doctors office.  I answer and the nurse goes right into telling me my hcg number.  They were a lot higher than I had anticipated.  We were in fact pregnant.  The pregnancy test I took at home wasn't lying.  I was relieved...and then nervous.  

It is amazing how the journey's that we take promote so many different emotions.  In the end the only thing that matters is if you feel peace about your decision.  There is something about going through a trial.  Something so hard it hurts to think about...but in the end the world feels right because you felt peaceful.  

I encourage you to follow that peace.  Seek after it and do what you need to in order to feel it.  In the end of all your life and even at the end of your day.  If you followed the peace, you will be at peace.

As a side note...yes we do know the gender of our child already.  We thank you for respecting our decision to announce the gender when we are ready, in our own way.  When it happens, you can be sure we will post something on this blog.  

Didn't see this one coming!

It's been a while since I last wrote...Here is the latest from the beginning...or September.
Landry and I had decided to really take a break especially since we had that weird month in July where we thought we were pregnant on our own but we weren't.  We weren't going to set a timeline for anything!  I was going back to school and that was all that mattered.  One morning early in September I was driving to work and something sparked my thoughts to the topic of children.  I started thinking about when we were going to try again...not very seriously...until I had this overwhelming feeling that we needed to implant in October.  I literally made it to my office and started crying.  I was content with it just being us and not doing anything about babies for a while if ever again.  I knew we needed to move forward but I didn't want to.  I said a prayer that if this is what needed to happen that Landry would be on the same page.
Fast forward a bit.  It was the weekend of September 11th and I found the time to talk with Landry about the experience I had.  I relayed the feelings to him and I also told him I didn't want to pick the gender this time.  I wanted to give up ALL the "power" possible.  After a long talk we still hadn't come to any firm conclusion but we were both going to continue to think about it.  Less than a week later it was time to make a decision.  We'd need to start medications that week if we were going to implant in October.  (Yes.  For a frozen embryo transfer you are on all sorts of medications for about 6 weeks.)  I knew my answer and when I called Landry for his, he agreed that we needed to move forward.
After six weeks on birth control, lupron shots and estrogen.  A few weeks on progesterone and estrogen, plus a few blood draws and ultrasounds we finally implanted on October 27th, 2016.  We didn't pick the gender of the embryo and sure are glad we didn't.
The day came to implant and we went in for the transfer.  I didn't drink 40oz of water like I drank the year prior because it was so uncomfortable and I didn't want to risk having my bladder drained and pee getting all over the floor and doctor.  Instead I settled on 15 ounces and still had to use the bathroom before we went in.  they gave me some happy pills and took us back to change into the hospital clothes they had for us.  There was one couple before us...then it was out turn.
When you go back they make you really comfortable.  (as comfortable as possible considering you have no pants on.), you essentially confirm that you are who you are a million times to the different doctors and embryologist.  Being on happy pills they could have asked me if I was Mickey Mouse and I would have agreed.  They asked if we wanted to know which embryo they picked and of course we did.  They told us it was a little baby...nah.  We're going to make you wait to find out the gender!  They said the embryo looked nice and plump from it's frozen state.  They gave us babies first photo in embryo form and sucked the embryo up in a tube...then we watched the embryo be what I assume feels like being rocket launched, to the embryo, into my uterus.  (They say it's like putting an embryo in the middle of a peanut butter sandwich so it won't come out when you stand up.)  Then they have you rest the remaining portion of the day.  They have you schedule a blood hcg quantity test for two weeks later.  That is when you find out if it worked.
This time around has been the easiest transfer this far.  We feel really good about this time around.  I tell Landry it is amazing how at peace I am with it.  I don't have the feeling of dread or superstition like I did with some of the other ones.  We have NO idea if this is going to work and it's time for us to have a child...BUT we do know that we are praying for courage to accept His will and obey it whatever it may be.  It will hurt for a time if this didn't pan out, but through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we can have that pain completely taken away!  We must be willing to give it to him.
We were at church and I was thinking about one of my dearest friends who just found out one of her fertility treatments was not successful.  It reminded me of all the times in life that something we want more than anything doesn't work out.  We sang "Abide with me tis eventide" and I started crying.  I KNOW that no matter what we go through our Heavenly Father is there.  He respects us for trying our best and keeping true to the tools and gospel he gave us.  He knows that this life is the hardest thing we will ever do.  He knows us personally.  He knows the intents of our hearts.  He knows what will help us to become the most amazing person, and spirit we can be.  Oftentimes it means going through our own personal hell and back.
My hope is that as we struggle through our insecurities, through our trials and that if we only learn one thing it is this...He is always there with His arms outstretched towards you.  He knows it's hard.  He knows everything about what you are going through...and He can take it all away...if you let Him through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.