What did it teach you?

I heard a quote this last week that made me think about life.  The person said " think about what the experience? (or trial) taught you.  Not what it took from you." 
I've been thinking about this for a while.  I remember being in the midst of all the infertility stuff, thinking that it was unfair the opportunity to be a parent kept being taken from me.  It made it so hard!  I remember praying that we wouldn't get pg unless it was time.  Then another miscarriage.   It felt like I was being presented a child on a silver platter and then when we would miscarry it was being taken away because I wasn't qualified or good enough. 
I know in life we all go through something that makes us feel this way.  I don't think in the moment we are supposed to immediately react in acceptance of the trial.  I think it is natural to go to a place of negativity.  That being said, it is not intended for us to stay in that place for long.  When we do stay in the shade, as I did for what felt like years, it allows for the adversary to plant roots and flourish.  This is when our hearts are hardened towards the warmth and sunlight of the love of Christ. 

My main purpose in writing this blog, besides to share our fertility journey, is to hopefully help someone who is going where I went.  I was never a bad person, I never really doubted the truthfulness of the gospel but I did doubt my divinity as a child of God.  I was in this place because I looked at what was being "taken" from me and it led me into a slow but steady downward spiral. 
Going through trials is an important part of life.  Hopefully we can come out stronger and with more faith in how divine we are!  The adversary will do all he can to make us feel the opposite, that we are unworthy, hopeless, bad and essentially the scum of the earth.  He thrives on that misery. 
I write today because I know that we can eliminate the power we give the adversary if we are aware of what he is doing.  I was convinced that I was not a mom because I was not loved by my Heavenly Father.  He didn't want to bless me because I wasn't reading my scriptures daily or praying two times a day etc... While I tried to battle those thoughts because I knew they weren't true deep down, it made me mad and brought me down.  It hardened my heart. 
This place where you question your divinity is not from our Heavenly Father.  I know that it feels justified because we are human and feel guilty for not being perfect... that guilt is not of God either.  I also know that when you can pull yourself out of these shady places and return to the warm arms of a loving Heavenly Father, that is where you will find the peace you are looking for.  It will take time and effort and prayer.  I promise it is worth it.  I know that he doesn't expect us to be happy and joyful and to skip our way through any trial we have but, He expects us to struggle and hopes that we return to him where the atonement can be applied and the burdens we carry can be taken from us.  The struggle is real and it is part of the learning process.  Through the struggle is where our faith is tried to extremes and then strengthened beyond our capacity to realize if we can find the sun. 

I know these things are true.  I know that we are supposed to question.  We are supposed to struggle.  I know that he is never far away.  I know that when we struggle the darkness will slowly creep in.  We are to be tried as Adam and Eve were in the garden, nothing has changed from that.  Just like Adam and Eve, we are being watched over.  It is still our decision and job to get back to him but it can begin as a simple desire.  That desire can light a fire and allow us to feel the assurance of our divinity in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.  I KNOW this to be true.  I know because I have seen it in my own life.  I know it is sometimes hard to find that desire to draw near unto Him when we feel abandoned. That is a feeling from the adversary.   To that I say pray for that desire.  I know He will help.  Have a frank conversation (prayer) with Him about all you are struggling with, all you need, your fears, anxieties, weaknesses, strengths, EVERYTHING.  I know He will help you. Oftentimes it is a simple peace that you are on the right path.   It may not happen over night, but a frozen heart can takes some time to thaw out. 

You are normal and you are His.  He loves you.  No matter how far you feel you are away from Him.  He doesn't expect you to be perfect...just on your way back to Him.  That starts with a mustard seed of desire. 

Grateful

This week I took the blood glucose test and had my iron checked.  Everything looked good...I'm guessing as the dr never called me to tell me otherwise. 
We are likely going to have her a week early,on July 8th, as I will be having a c section due to some pre existing health conditions that make it scary to try and push a baby out. Dr's dont want you to go into labor if you're having a c section.  It will be cool to go in and know you'll have a baby a few hours later.  Scary but cool.
 
I've been filled with even more gratitude that grows daily. First  for being able to be pregnant and second to be having an easy pregnancy this far.  I still have anxiety daily that this isn't going to be.  I don't think the anxiety is due to a lack of faith.  I think it's having gone through a tramatic experience.  This experience changed me.  I will never forget all I have learned through these last 6 plus years. I will never take any of this for granted.  I know our little lady is a miracle.  A miracle that I don't know why I get to experience right now and not another.  It's actually quite intimidating to think of all the amazing people I know who are waiting and working towards the hope of a miracle of their own.  To you I say there is not a day that goes by I don't think of You!  I look at my tummy and silently pray that you too will get to experience this in whatever way is in His will for you.  I love you and respect you. I know in my own way what you are going through.  I also know that this struggle has nothing to do with who you are right now.  That is not how it works.  You are already amazing and destined to be a force to be reckoned with.  Keep your chin up.  He loves you and is pleased with you. THAT is all that matters!
P.s.  if you wonder what a c section is like...youtube has a video that explains everything...pretty amazing! 

It's been a while

This last little while has been...in a word...interesting.  I have struggle with being able to completely enjoy this journey in some ways because I feel I am being insensitive to those who are still on their journey to having children.  This is the reason I only share via my blog.  I want to still be as sensitive as possible to those who are on their journey. 

This post is going to be my way to enjoy this journey and to challenge my thoughts of my sharing being insensitive.

There have been some things that have been easy about pregnancy and some things that have been challenging.  The most challenging thing is the irritability!  I have always been an emotional  person but being pregnant my filter is GONE and I feel out of control at times.  I remind myself that it is hormones and it helps but it seems so real and warranted in the moment! 

Most all other things I enjoy...honestly.  I love my growing belly, I love to feel baby move and kick.  Just this week Landry was able to feel her move.  It was great!  She is becoming more and more active.  I have felt her move since 12 weeks.  Early, I know.  I love feeling her moves get more and more frequent and strong.  I love when people ask me if I am pregnant...which has only happened once as I am not showing a ton yet.   I know that I am only halfway but so far it has been a great ride.  I know that the body changes will get more dramatic and I will  be uncomfortable but in the end I LOVE being able to feel this little lady's spirit and energy.  This miracle inside me. 

Tomorrow will mark 20 weeks of pregnancy.  We are at a point that we worry less each day and get more excited to meet our little girl.  Today we had our mid pregnancy ultrasound.  It was a little nerve wrecking to start as we went into the same room where we found out about some of our miscarriages.  That feeling quickly dissipated as the technician began and our baby came into view.  The technician explained all the measurements and what we were looking at.  After a little walking and some rolling from side to side to get the little lady in the right positions we got all the information and photos we needed.  The technician said she looked great!  Our due date is still July 15th and then the visit was over.  It was such a wonderful, dreamlike experience as she moved wiggled and rolled.  She sucked her thumb in one photo and  at another the technician was trying to measure one of her feet but she had a hold of with her hand.  The technician was able to gently nudge her into taking her hand off her foot long enough to get a picture of her perfect little foot.  In the end we were happy to see her little profile and to find out that she was in fact a girl.  We feel so grateful to be a part of this experience.  We were relieved to hear that baby Reynolds looked good. 
Here are some photos of today and the last few months.

19 weeks 6 days ^

 

Baby Reynolds Profile^

Baby Reynolds Feet...She showed us both of her feet after letting go of her one foot for the photo.^

We appreciate all the prayers, love, support, and all the amazing people we are surrounded by.  We look forward to raising our child with the same wonderful people in her life. 

Words cannot describe how this journey has changed us and we are ready for the changes ahead.  We know what it is like to be on the opposite end, wanting, waiting and hoping.  Feeling unworthy of children or that we didn't deserve them.  An experience like this changes one FOREVER.  It is a refiners fire like nothing some will ever experience.  I hope that those of you waiting, hoping and wanting know just how much I truly feel for you.  There is nothing comparable to the dark road of infertility.  Nothing can fill the empty feelings and the self doubt and all the things that come with trying to have children.  I know and understand the sting.  I pray that you will feel the peace and see the blessings that do come even in the darkest of times.  Follow the peaceful feelings you have and I know you will find even more peace in knowing you did His will. 

I had a hard time writing out the second part of this post.  I have come to find that with being pregnant I am trying to find myself again.  I have been the infertile woman who miscarries for so long that I don't really know who I am or will be if and when this pregnancy carries full term.  I want everyone to know that my heart aches for those of you who have gone through this life and especially this holiday season aching for a child.  I know for the last 2 years we have been recovering or working through miscarriages during the holiday season.  I know how it feels to go to a Christmas party and multiple family members announce their pregnancies.  I know what it feels like to try and smile and be happy during the holidays but secretly ache for a child to add to the chaos.  My heart goes out to you!  You are strong.  You are amazing.  You are some of the only people who can make it through such heartache and come out on top.  I love you and I know that you are being prayed for... I'm sure many people who love you.  I hope that you can find yourself in the midst of this trial and not as infertile but as strength, love, courage, perseverance and many other amazing qualities.  Find you...because you are a light to many.  You are an example of patience and meekness to many. 

I have decided not to post things directly on facebook unless they are through this blog.  This way those who would like to know about our progress can read the blog...those who are not in a place (which i completely understand) to read about our story don't have to.   

This last week on December 30th we went in to the doctors office and heard the baby's heartbeat.  It was at 162.  Baby is looking good and we are now just over12 weeks.  We are officially the furthest along we have ever been.  We are hopeful and will go in at 14 weeks for another heartbeat check.  Then again at 16 weeks.  After that we will be able to go in monthly to see how baby GIRL Reynolds is growing.  Yes...it is a girl and she is doing well.  At 9.5 weeks she measured 10 weeks...maybe she will be tall.  We will keep you posted as we see needed.  We love you all and appreciate your support and love. 

It's a...

I had a hard time writing out the second part of this post.  I have come to find that with being pregnant I am trying to find myself again.  I have been the infertile woman who miscarries for so long that I don't really know who I am or will be if and when this pregnancy carries full term.  I want everyone to know that my heart aches for those of you who have gone through this life and especially this holiday season aching for a child.  I know for the last 2 years we have been recovering or working through miscarriages.  I know how it feels to go to a Christmas party and multiple family members announce their pregnancies.  I know what it feels like to try and smile and be happy during the holidays but secretly ache for a child to add to the chaos.  My heart goes out to you!  You are strong.  You are amazing.  You are some of the only people who can make it through such heartache and come out on top.  I love you and I know that you are being prayed for by me...and I'm sure many other people.  I hope that you can find yourself in the midst of this trial and not as infertile but as strength, love, courage, perseverance and many other amazing qualities.  Find you...because you are a light to many.  You are an example of patience and meekness to many. 
I have decided not to post things on facebook unless they are through this blog.  This way those who would like to know about our progress can read the blog...those who are not in a place yet to read about our story don't have to.   



This last week on December 30th we went in to the doctors office and heard the baby's heartbeat.  It was at 162.  Baby is looking good and we are now just over 12 weeks.  We are officially the furthest along we have ever been.  We are hopeful and will go in at 14 weeks for another heartbeat check.  Then again at 16 weeks.  After that we will be able to go in monthly to see how baby GIRL Reynolds is growing.  Yes...it is a girl and she is doing well.  At 9.5 weeks she measured 10 weeks...maybe she will be tall.  We will keep you posted as we see needed.  We love you all and appreciate your support and love. 

Be more gentle with yourself

First things first...two weeks after you find out whether all those shots, pills and drs visits helped produce a child, you get to go in for an ultrasound.  I HATE ultrasounds!  The anxiety the promote within me is incredible.  Any part of my rational mind goes out the window...or at least that's how I feel.  Anyways...
Two weeks after finding out we got a positive pregnancy test we had an ultrasound.  I had Googled how big the embryo should be in millimeters and how fast the heart should be beating...I wanted to go in knowing what the doc is saying when he throws out a bunch of numbers to the nurse on hand. 
We go in and get ready for a trasvaginal ultrasound.  Gross.  The doctor gets in and preface the ultrasound with "there's a 50% chance that there will not be a heartbeat yet."  My heart drops because I want to see a heartbeat.  I want everything to be perfect for once.  He goes in and immediately there's evidence of a pregnancy.  Eventually we see the faint flicker of a heartbeat.  We are reluctantly happy. Still scared for the upcoming measurements to see if the baby is the right size.  He measures the yolk sac...looks good.  He measures what appears to be from head to rump...looks good.  The baby looks perfect in every way possible.  We try to hear the heartbeat which is pretty hard to hear at 6 weeks but there it is...102 beats a minute...perfect.  Relief is an unserstatement.  Nothing like last year where baby was a bit behind in all ways.  we left after scheduling another ultrasound for two more weeks out.   
Fast forward 2 more weeks...we're almost 8 weeks along.  Same emotions only this time i had an emotional breakdown before leaving work and heading to the ultrasound.  I know it's hormones but add anxiety and negative past experiences and I had near a full blown freak out.  What was left of my rational mind helped me realize I was having a panic attack and I was able to talk myself down from the nightmare U had built in my mind. 
We went back quickly to the room and the doctor was even faster into the room this time.  We get down to business...pregnancy evidence...check.  heartbeat...check.  then he measures the baby...the baby is measuring...perfect.  You can tell that it has at least doubled, maybe tripled in size and it's beautiful.  You can see bones forming as well as arms, legs and the spine.  The doctor shows you the embryonic sac and everything he can see.  You almost wish you could watch them grow everyday but would prefer not having ultrasounds everyday.
We have felt an immense amount of support, love and peace.  If anyone reading this is struggling through fertility or another personal matter, know this.  You are loved.  You are prayed for.  You are in the most capable hands.  I know that as you continue taking steps forward in faith,that you will feel uplifted.  You will feel peace that will help you through the toughest times.  I know there will be times of growth and you may feel alone.  I also know it is often because we distance ourselves from the source from which we find peace, comfort and joy.  Remember Him.  Go to Him.  At times all you may be able to do is believe, pray or even hope for His plan.  In those moments that is all that is required of you.  Keep progressing towards becoming better...but remember to be more gentle with yourself.  He loves us and will forgive as we do our best.  Don't criticize or judge your best.  Accept your best and then increase it.  That is all he asks as we go through the trials he gives us. 

The results are in...

Wednesday and Thursday were a struggle this week.  The hope and peace I had felt were clouded over by doubt.  I was having anxiety that maybe those feelings of hope and peace I had were wrong.  Maybe we were supposed to do a cycle of in-vitro but it wasn't supposed to work. I wouldn't say I was a mess because deep down the underlying feeling was peaceful but it was disheartening.

In the midst of feeling so confused I listened to a talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  He talked about how in the moment you decide to move towards God is the same moment that blessings are showered upon you.  He talked about how the light will take over in your life and provide feelings of peace.  He then mentioned how the darkness you felt before will not disappear right away, but gradually, as you continually move towards God.  I felt the truth of those words in that moment.  I knew that I had been feeling the beautiful sunshine of my God's love and in that moment I was feeling the darkness of emotions from so many failed years of trying to conceive.  

Thursday morning rolls around and I am nervous to get my blood drawn or rather nervous to get the results.  On the way there I try to imagine all the anxiety and emotions I was feeling draining out of me and going into a giant balloon.  The balloon filled with many different colors and emotions, past and present.  I gave that balloon to my Savior and had to give myself permission to let him have it.  It was a good exercise for me and allowed me to find the peace and comfort once again.  

A few hours after getting my blood drawn the nurse calls from the doctors office.  I answer and the nurse goes right into telling me my hcg number.  They were a lot higher than I had anticipated.  We were in fact pregnant.  The pregnancy test I took at home wasn't lying.  I was relieved...and then nervous.  

It is amazing how the journey's that we take promote so many different emotions.  In the end the only thing that matters is if you feel peace about your decision.  There is something about going through a trial.  Something so hard it hurts to think about...but in the end the world feels right because you felt peaceful.  

I encourage you to follow that peace.  Seek after it and do what you need to in order to feel it.  In the end of all your life and even at the end of your day.  If you followed the peace, you will be at peace.

As a side note...yes we do know the gender of our child already.  We thank you for respecting our decision to announce the gender when we are ready, in our own way.  When it happens, you can be sure we will post something on this blog.