It has been a while

Last June, we felt the need to do another round of in-vitro.  We had 2 embryos left and felt it was a good time.  We went through it all...from an HSG test (the second worst pain I have ever felt) to the actual transfer.  Needless to say we were excited to possibly get Wynn a sibling.  A few days before the beta HCG test with the doctor...I knew it hadn't worked.  I was right.  We were sad, but knew we had one left to try and held onto hope for that one last embryo!  I just went on with life and didn't really think about it.  Until other people started announcing their pregnancies and then it hit me that I was, yet again, not able to get and stay pregnant.
The moments your mind and body and emotions decide to process through the sadness of failed fertility treatments are often inconvenient and take you off guard.  That being said, it is also amazing how over the last 9 years of trying to have children each time a treatment doesn't work, it seems to get easier.

Fast forward to January 2019.  We want to try our last embryo but I was asked to lose some weight to see if we could get the last one to stick.  I got to the point where I felt healthy and ready to try again.  We started the process in February of 2019.  This cycle was different from the beginning.  I didn't even think about what was going on.  I didn't really care.  We hadn't told anyone we were doing it.  We just felt good about it and so we did it.  The day after we implanted I was convinced it worked.  My boobs were sore and it just felt...right.  I didn't want to get my hopes up though.  This 2 week wait was hard but I came to the conclusion that I was happy if it worked and I would be happy if it didn't.  A feeling I had never had before.  I was truly excited for whatever happened...to be pregnant or to be done with fertility treatments.
The day comes for the beta HCG test.  In the back of my mind I was super confused...I felt pregnant but didn't feel I was carrying another spirit with me.  I got the phone call from the nurse...She said" Your results came back positive but a weird positive."  I said what do you mean by weird?  My HCG was at a 10.  For those of you who don't know about HCG blood tests anything below a 5 is negative and anything above a 25 is considered positive.  I was stuck in the "in between".  That meant it was too positive to be negative but too negative to be positive.  "I think it's a chemical pregnancy."  She said.  That felt about right..."So I have to do another HCG test and still take my medications?"  I asked. "Yep". Anyways...Long story short...the last embryo was not a success.  Beta test 2 days later was at a 2.7 a definite negative.

I know this is short and I am not taking as much time trying to get emotions out...and it is because I am so excited to be DONE with all the fertility treatments.  I am excited to raise our little Wynn and spoil the crap our of her because I can.  I am excited to figure out who I am not trying to have a baby.  I am excited to feel like me again.  I have not felt that way for a long time.

When we went in for our last embryo transfer the nurse was talking to us about how scientists are saying that the emotional roller coaster of fertility issues is equivalent to that of cancer.  Now I disagree in some ways because for some cancer is a terminal diagnosis.  But I do agree in many other ways.  You seek out the best care and you FIGHT!  You don't give up...until you are ready to radically accept your situation to be yours.  You are either done fighting and too tired to continue or you have done all that you can and have realized it is not in your hands anymore and modern medicine has done all it can to help.

The hardest thing I have had to learn through these last 9 years is the following:
I am worthy of the blessings. I am ENOUGH.  I know if it was in His will for me, I would have a lot more children.  I also know that the my greatest peace has come from having the faith to not receive the righteous desire of my heart.  Being a mother to many of His spirit children.  Being able to go through this last process with this mind set has changed my life and I will forever be grateful for all that I have learned.

For anyone who is struggling with fertility or anything else.  Know this.  I am praying for you.  I ache for you.  I cry with you. I know the pains and the disappointments.  I know the highs and joys.  I know that if you give it your all and follow the peace, you will be guided and led through the refiners fire.

You are ENOUGH
No matter the outcome.


To end this journey, with you all.  I would like to say Thank you!  Those words don't convey the gratitude we feel towards all of you.  Your words of encouragement, love and help in all every way, made this journey possible.  We love you!

I hope to think of another topic to write about soon.  Until I do, I bid you adieu.

6 weeks

The last six weeks have actually brought about some internal conflict that I was not expecting.
Let me start with parenting is hard work.  I think everyone realizes that but nobody understands it until it's here.  Little to no sleep, recovering from having a baby, trying to figure out baby's cues and noises without going to the emergency room every time they hold their breath because they are still learning to breathe.  It is one of the most anxiety provoking experiences I have ever experienced. 
That being said I have felt like I am not allowed to feel these emotions because I am supposed to be happy ALL THE TIME because I now have what so many are still seeking...What I had been seeking with all my heart.  This is not humanly possible. 
For the first few weeks I was feeling a sense of guilt every time I was not enjoying a particularly trying moment with my newborn.  I was beating myself up because I had a baby and I didn't appreciate her.  One day I realized what was truly WRONG was that way of thinking! I do appreciate her.  In fact I actually love her...a lot and I am grateful she is here in my life!  BUT I am also human.  I had this unwritten rule that I would never complain.  I was not giving myself permission to be human. 
My point is this.  Even if you struggle to bring a child into the world you are allowed to find parenting challenging.  You are still human.  Give yourself permission to struggle and to not enjoy being a parent at times.  Give yourself permission to be imperfect.  Give yourself permission to be human.  Give yourself permission to do all you can in those moments and then stand back and say...that was hard and I did that. Give yourself permission and be more gentle with yourself. 

This is our little Wynn.

June 26, 2017

June 26th, 2017.  It was a normal day.  I got up and went to work.  In the middle of the day I looked down at my belly and said "You are coming aren't you?"  I had a feeling but didn't think much of it as we technically had 2 weeks until our scheduled c section.  I even remember telling my boss about the pile of things on my desk I wanted to get in order before the baby came so that the people doing my job while I was gone would have an easier time.  Oops. 

Later that night my husband and I snuggled down to watch the Bachelorette.  I decided to take a shower after the bachelorette because it relaxes me and helps me sleep better.  After that our upstairs neighbors invited us outside for a bit before we retired to bed.  I needed to use the bathroom one more time to ensure optimal time outside before I would have to pee again.  Upon standing after using the toilet I noticed I was getting wet all over my lower body.  I quickly ruled out the shower being on and peeing on myself as there couldn't have been that much pee left inside me, and I realized my water had just broken! It was 9pm. The emotions that followed were a mixture.  I am pretty sure I was laughing, swearing and walking around without a clue what to do next.  I decided I probably needed to tell Landry so I walked outside and said " Umm...are you ready to have a baby?  Because my water just broke." 

Landry was surprised, as was I, and we eventually got our heads on straight, grabbed our belongings and headed to the hospital.  Luckily my hospital bag was already packed.  (side note...you don't need as much as you think you do at the hospital.) 

We made the 15 minute drive to the Hospital, calling our families on the way to inform them that this baby was coming!  We got to the hospital, they got me settled in the triage room and when they tested to see if it was in fact my water that had broken it was a definite YES!  A million questions, a few doctors visiting and a quick hack job shave later we were ready for our c section and to meet our little girl. 

They didn't make me walk into the operating room because they didn't want my water trailing all through the hospital so they wheeled me in.  It took about 15 minutes to get my spinal and situated on the table for my husband to come in.  May I say that the morphine they put in the spinal was not my favorite but it was the reason my nerves were calm.  Anyways...they put up a clear drapery as we wanted to watch the c section and actually see our little peanut be born.  I was out of it but tried to watch as much as possible.  It was surreal.  Everything went as planned and at 11:15 our little lady entered the world.  It was incredible.  While I felt out of sorts I still remember the feeling of her entering the room.  Her spirit was strong and so peaceful. 

It took them a while to be able to get her to me.  She needed some assistance breathing as she had a lot of fluid in her lungs.  Eventually they brought her to me and laid her on my chest, skin to skin.  I couldn't really see her face but feeling her near me and realizing that she was ours was incredible. 

All in all the whole experience was a whirlwind.  It was our whirlwind and I wouldn't have changed it for anything. 

We were up for over 24 hours and the next day was a struggle to try and help her eat as well as stay awake and do all that goes with having a new baby.  It was exhausting and so beautiful.  A beautiful chaos.

We thank everyone who has supported us in this process.  It has been a long journey.  I realize for some it's a longer journey.  I still think about you all daily.  It is a journey that molds you.  One that I will never forget.  I still pray for those who are doing all they can to bring miracles into the world.  You will never be alone.

Anxiously waiting!

The day before she surprised us and came.

Wrapped around her finger already.

28 and on

Here is 28 weeks to 37 weeks in a nutshell. 
Around 28 weeks I started getting back pain on my right side under my ribs.  I thought it was my ribs expanding until at 30 weeks it got worse.  I realized the pain coincided with eating.  The nurses said it sounded like gallbladder issues.  I ended up at the ER in Newport California 2 days into our 10 day trip.  They monitored baby and sent me home...very helpful. 
The day we got home from our fun filled trip, we went in for an ultrasound on my gallbaldder...no stones.  They sent me to a surgeon who works with gallbladders and I was too far long to do surgery and the next test to check my gallbladder would have to wait until after the birth of baby.  (It involves injecting radioactive dye into my body and we didn't want my baby to come out with Spiderman qualities.) I was in so much pain with no answers except to wait it out. 
Luckily about 4 weeks in total, the pain went away on its own.  Once the pain subsided the rest of the pregnancy went well.  Swollen feet and body with a side of heartburn and blurry eyes we're all that I needed to figure out. 
I was lucky and blessed to have a healthy and perfect pregnancy.  Not to brag but I couldn't have asked for a better experience from my perspective. 
My family and coworkers probably didn't have a pleasant experience as I was an irritable pregnant lady.  I lost my filter and didn't care.  Hopefully I can find it again!  In the end we're all alive and well. 

28 weeks

We are now 28 weeks and doing well.  I love everything about being pregnant! That is a lie bit even the stuff that is uncomfortable has a positive take for me.  I'm weird and okay with that:) 
Baby is doing well...from what we know.  We're on the downhill slope.  Less than 11 weeks they will take her out via c section and the crazy will begin. 
She moves a lot and loves ice cream and doughnuts.  I make her eat veggies and fruit and water first:)  we ate a whole watermelon (almost a whole one) this week and loved every bite! 
The weeks are flying by.  School is over on May 2nd and I'm glad.  We're going to California and then baby will be here. 
There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for this miracle. 
I think of you on their journey and I pray for you.  I know the rollercoaster you are on.  I respect you as it is rough.  Be strong and draw closer to Him.  It is the most peaceful way. 

What did it teach you?

I heard a quote this last week that made me think about life.  The person said " think about what the experience? (or trial) taught you.  Not what it took from you." 
I've been thinking about this for a while.  I remember being in the midst of all the infertility stuff, thinking that it was unfair the opportunity to be a parent kept being taken from me.  It made it so hard!  I remember praying that we wouldn't get pg unless it was time.  Then another miscarriage.   It felt like I was being presented a child on a silver platter and then when we would miscarry it was being taken away because I wasn't qualified or good enough. 
I know in life we all go through something that makes us feel this way.  I don't think in the moment we are supposed to immediately react in acceptance of the trial.  I think it is natural to go to a place of negativity.  That being said, it is not intended for us to stay in that place for long.  When we do stay in the shade, as I did for what felt like years, it allows for the adversary to plant roots and flourish.  This is when our hearts are hardened towards the warmth and sunlight of the love of Christ. 

My main purpose in writing this blog, besides to share our fertility journey, is to hopefully help someone who is going where I went.  I was never a bad person, I never really doubted the truthfulness of the gospel but I did doubt my divinity as a child of God.  I was in this place because I looked at what was being "taken" from me and it led me into a slow but steady downward spiral. 
Going through trials is an important part of life.  Hopefully we can come out stronger and with more faith in how divine we are!  The adversary will do all he can to make us feel the opposite, that we are unworthy, hopeless, bad and essentially the scum of the earth.  He thrives on that misery. 
I write today because I know that we can eliminate the power we give the adversary if we are aware of what he is doing.  I was convinced that I was not a mom because I was not loved by my Heavenly Father.  He didn't want to bless me because I wasn't reading my scriptures daily or praying two times a day etc... While I tried to battle those thoughts because I knew they weren't true deep down, it made me mad and brought me down.  It hardened my heart. 
This place where you question your divinity is not from our Heavenly Father.  I know that it feels justified because we are human and feel guilty for not being perfect... that guilt is not of God either.  I also know that when you can pull yourself out of these shady places and return to the warm arms of a loving Heavenly Father, that is where you will find the peace you are looking for.  It will take time and effort and prayer.  I promise it is worth it.  I know that he doesn't expect us to be happy and joyful and to skip our way through any trial we have but, He expects us to struggle and hopes that we return to him where the atonement can be applied and the burdens we carry can be taken from us.  The struggle is real and it is part of the learning process.  Through the struggle is where our faith is tried to extremes and then strengthened beyond our capacity to realize if we can find the sun. 

I know these things are true.  I know that we are supposed to question.  We are supposed to struggle.  I know that he is never far away.  I know that when we struggle the darkness will slowly creep in.  We are to be tried as Adam and Eve were in the garden, nothing has changed from that.  Just like Adam and Eve, we are being watched over.  It is still our decision and job to get back to him but it can begin as a simple desire.  That desire can light a fire and allow us to feel the assurance of our divinity in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.  I KNOW this to be true.  I know because I have seen it in my own life.  I know it is sometimes hard to find that desire to draw near unto Him when we feel abandoned. That is a feeling from the adversary.   To that I say pray for that desire.  I know He will help.  Have a frank conversation (prayer) with Him about all you are struggling with, all you need, your fears, anxieties, weaknesses, strengths, EVERYTHING.  I know He will help you. Oftentimes it is a simple peace that you are on the right path.   It may not happen over night, but a frozen heart can takes some time to thaw out. 

You are normal and you are His.  He loves you.  No matter how far you feel you are away from Him.  He doesn't expect you to be perfect...just on your way back to Him.  That starts with a mustard seed of desire. 

Grateful

This week I took the blood glucose test and had my iron checked.  Everything looked good...I'm guessing as the dr never called me to tell me otherwise. 
We are likely going to have her a week early,on July 8th, as I will be having a c section due to some pre existing health conditions that make it scary to try and push a baby out. Dr's dont want you to go into labor if you're having a c section.  It will be cool to go in and know you'll have a baby a few hours later.  Scary but cool.
 
I've been filled with even more gratitude that grows daily. First  for being able to be pregnant and second to be having an easy pregnancy this far.  I still have anxiety daily that this isn't going to be.  I don't think the anxiety is due to a lack of faith.  I think it's having gone through a tramatic experience.  This experience changed me.  I will never forget all I have learned through these last 6 plus years. I will never take any of this for granted.  I know our little lady is a miracle.  A miracle that I don't know why I get to experience right now and not another.  It's actually quite intimidating to think of all the amazing people I know who are waiting and working towards the hope of a miracle of their own.  To you I say there is not a day that goes by I don't think of You!  I look at my tummy and silently pray that you too will get to experience this in whatever way is in His will for you.  I love you and respect you. I know in my own way what you are going through.  I also know that this struggle has nothing to do with who you are right now.  That is not how it works.  You are already amazing and destined to be a force to be reckoned with.  Keep your chin up.  He loves you and is pleased with you. THAT is all that matters!
P.s.  if you wonder what a c section is like...youtube has a video that explains everything...pretty amazing!