I heard a quote this last week that made me think about life. The person said " think about what the experience? (or trial) taught you. Not what it took from you."
I've been thinking about this for a while. I remember being in the midst of all the infertility stuff, thinking that it was unfair the opportunity to be a parent kept being taken from me. It made it so hard! I remember praying that we wouldn't get pg unless it was time. Then another miscarriage. It felt like I was being presented a child on a silver platter and then when we would miscarry it was being taken away because I wasn't qualified or good enough.
I know in life we all go through something that makes us feel this way. I don't think in the moment we are supposed to immediately react in acceptance of the trial. I think it is natural to go to a place of negativity. That being said, it is not intended for us to stay in that place for long. When we do stay in the shade, as I did for what felt like years, it allows for the adversary to plant roots and flourish. This is when our hearts are hardened towards the warmth and sunlight of the love of Christ.
I've been thinking about this for a while. I remember being in the midst of all the infertility stuff, thinking that it was unfair the opportunity to be a parent kept being taken from me. It made it so hard! I remember praying that we wouldn't get pg unless it was time. Then another miscarriage. It felt like I was being presented a child on a silver platter and then when we would miscarry it was being taken away because I wasn't qualified or good enough.
I know in life we all go through something that makes us feel this way. I don't think in the moment we are supposed to immediately react in acceptance of the trial. I think it is natural to go to a place of negativity. That being said, it is not intended for us to stay in that place for long. When we do stay in the shade, as I did for what felt like years, it allows for the adversary to plant roots and flourish. This is when our hearts are hardened towards the warmth and sunlight of the love of Christ.
My main purpose in writing this blog, besides to share our fertility journey, is to hopefully help someone who is going where I went. I was never a bad person, I never really doubted the truthfulness of the gospel but I did doubt my divinity as a child of God. I was in this place because I looked at what was being "taken" from me and it led me into a slow but steady downward spiral.
Going through trials is an important part of life. Hopefully we can come out stronger and with more faith in how divine we are! The adversary will do all he can to make us feel the opposite, that we are unworthy, hopeless, bad and essentially the scum of the earth. He thrives on that misery.
I write today because I know that we can eliminate the power we give the adversary if we are aware of what he is doing. I was convinced that I was not a mom because I was not loved by my Heavenly Father. He didn't want to bless me because I wasn't reading my scriptures daily or praying two times a day etc... While I tried to battle those thoughts because I knew they weren't true deep down, it made me mad and brought me down. It hardened my heart.
This place where you question your divinity is not from our Heavenly Father. I know that it feels justified because we are human and feel guilty for not being perfect... that guilt is not of God either. I also know that when you can pull yourself out of these shady places and return to the warm arms of a loving Heavenly Father, that is where you will find the peace you are looking for. It will take time and effort and prayer. I promise it is worth it. I know that he doesn't expect us to be happy and joyful and to skip our way through any trial we have but, He expects us to struggle and hopes that we return to him where the atonement can be applied and the burdens we carry can be taken from us. The struggle is real and it is part of the learning process. Through the struggle is where our faith is tried to extremes and then strengthened beyond our capacity to realize if we can find the sun.
Going through trials is an important part of life. Hopefully we can come out stronger and with more faith in how divine we are! The adversary will do all he can to make us feel the opposite, that we are unworthy, hopeless, bad and essentially the scum of the earth. He thrives on that misery.
I write today because I know that we can eliminate the power we give the adversary if we are aware of what he is doing. I was convinced that I was not a mom because I was not loved by my Heavenly Father. He didn't want to bless me because I wasn't reading my scriptures daily or praying two times a day etc... While I tried to battle those thoughts because I knew they weren't true deep down, it made me mad and brought me down. It hardened my heart.
This place where you question your divinity is not from our Heavenly Father. I know that it feels justified because we are human and feel guilty for not being perfect... that guilt is not of God either. I also know that when you can pull yourself out of these shady places and return to the warm arms of a loving Heavenly Father, that is where you will find the peace you are looking for. It will take time and effort and prayer. I promise it is worth it. I know that he doesn't expect us to be happy and joyful and to skip our way through any trial we have but, He expects us to struggle and hopes that we return to him where the atonement can be applied and the burdens we carry can be taken from us. The struggle is real and it is part of the learning process. Through the struggle is where our faith is tried to extremes and then strengthened beyond our capacity to realize if we can find the sun.
I know these things are true. I know that we are supposed to question. We are supposed to struggle. I know that he is never far away. I know that when we struggle the darkness will slowly creep in. We are to be tried as Adam and Eve were in the garden, nothing has changed from that. Just like Adam and Eve, we are being watched over. It is still our decision and job to get back to him but it can begin as a simple desire. That desire can light a fire and allow us to feel the assurance of our divinity in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. I KNOW this to be true. I know because I have seen it in my own life. I know it is sometimes hard to find that desire to draw near unto Him when we feel abandoned. That is a feeling from the adversary. To that I say pray for that desire. I know He will help. Have a frank conversation (prayer) with Him about all you are struggling with, all you need, your fears, anxieties, weaknesses, strengths, EVERYTHING. I know He will help you. Oftentimes it is a simple peace that you are on the right path. It may not happen over night, but a frozen heart can takes some time to thaw out.
You are normal and you are His. He loves you. No matter how far you feel you are away from Him. He doesn't expect you to be perfect...just on your way back to Him. That starts with a mustard seed of desire.
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