6 weeks

The last six weeks have actually brought about some internal conflict that I was not expecting.
Let me start with parenting is hard work.  I think everyone realizes that but nobody understands it until it's here.  Little to no sleep, recovering from having a baby, trying to figure out baby's cues and noises without going to the emergency room every time they hold their breath because they are still learning to breathe.  It is one of the most anxiety provoking experiences I have ever experienced. 
That being said I have felt like I am not allowed to feel these emotions because I am supposed to be happy ALL THE TIME because I now have what so many are still seeking...What I had been seeking with all my heart.  This is not humanly possible. 
For the first few weeks I was feeling a sense of guilt every time I was not enjoying a particularly trying moment with my newborn.  I was beating myself up because I had a baby and I didn't appreciate her.  One day I realized what was truly WRONG was that way of thinking! I do appreciate her.  In fact I actually love her...a lot and I am grateful she is here in my life!  BUT I am also human.  I had this unwritten rule that I would never complain.  I was not giving myself permission to be human. 
My point is this.  Even if you struggle to bring a child into the world you are allowed to find parenting challenging.  You are still human.  Give yourself permission to struggle and to not enjoy being a parent at times.  Give yourself permission to be imperfect.  Give yourself permission to be human.  Give yourself permission to do all you can in those moments and then stand back and say...that was hard and I did that. Give yourself permission and be more gentle with yourself. 

This is our little Wynn.