Documenting our journey...and a few random tidbits but that's just who I am.

As of right now we are waiting to start the in vitro process.  There is a lot more that goes into this process than I ever imagined!  There are also  a lot of emotions that have been coming and going.  One day I am excited to get this started.  They next day I am scared and worried if we really even need to do in vitro.  Then I worry about paying for it.  I could drive myself crazy thinking of all the questions and scenarios.  Sometimes I even wonder if I really, truly want children when I know that they take a lot of work and energy.  I would have to say telling myself that I don't want kids for the selfish reasons I can think of is a way to preserve my emotions about the topic.  I feel so jaded about all the things that have happened in this quest, and I get nervous to put any faith into anything actually happening for the better.  The thought crosses my mind that this is just an expensive gamble.  One which I don't know it's worth taking.  Especially when I can adopt a child for less money and be more likely to get a child.  Or maybe I think of adoption because I would feel more in control?  Either way It is one of those learning experiences to let the control go and trust in something bigger than myself.  I heard a quote that said " We struggle because we want to grow but we don't want to let go."  This is very true in my place right now.  I want to grow, learn  and trust it is the right path but I do NOT want to let go of the control.  Life is just full of sweet lemons. 

Answering questions

In the world, infertility and child loss are a taboo subject.  We are on our own journey's to bring children into this world.  The road is filled with ups and downs.  Sometimes they come after actually having brought children into the world.  But on this road we are not alone.

Please feel free to offer support to friends or loved you know who have struggled with infertility or child loss.  They will appreciate it even though they may not be able to express it in the moment. 
I also want to mention that often the hardest part is having that awkward moment when someone asks. "How are you feeling?"  or "How is baby doing?"  Mainly because I felt bad for them.  I know they felt horrible for asking and "rubbing" it in that I had miscarried. 

Knowing the person you are talking to will help you navigate the thin and sometimes icy road to showing your support.  For me it was usually a hug or even a meaningful glance that you were there for me.  Or maybe a a pint of ben and jerry's ice cream and a movie.  For others they will need more.  A bouquet of flowers, a mini vacation or even some time alone to digest what is going on in their life.  Whatever it may be don't be afraid to ask!  Sometimes that is enough to show that you care and are there for them if they need you.

It is what it is.

While in the midst of figuring things out I felt a mixture of all emotions.  I would go from happy and content one minute to utter despair and anger the next.  I just knew that I was NOT dealing with infertility the "right" way.  One day I realized, while talking to my mother, that there was no right or wrong way to deal with the what I was going through.  From then on I learned an important concept that would change every aspect of my life...

 

 

It is what it is.

 

From this  simple statement, and important therapeutic concept, I realized that I could not control the way I felt about infertility or the injustice of it all, but I could change how I accepted what I was feeling. 

Infertility can cause a lot of emotions.  Allow yourself to feel that emotion and accept it for what it is...a natural and normal part of being human.  

Our Story

I've always said I'm an open book...so here it goes!

Growing up my ultimate goal in life was to get married and have children.  I would dream of my children and how many I wanted.  I also dreamed of my husband and the great, happy life we would have.  He would work, I would raise our kids and we would live happily ever after.  All I needed was a man to marry.  So when the time came for me to get married I was excited to ride off into the sunset with my knight in shining armor.  Little did I know, life continues on after you get married and to be honest it's not always a fairy tale.  

This is our story.  I will try to compact 5 years of marriage into this blog post.  

Shortly after being married in March of 2010, my husband and I decided to start our family.  It took us four months to become pregnant for the first time.  We were elated to start our family.  

I had the normal morning sickness from about 6 weeks and it started to go away around 11 weeks.  I didn't think anything of it, I didn't know what to expect.  The day I went in for our first ultrasound I was so excited to see the little miracle inside me.  I went alone as my husband had to work and I planned on calling him afterwards.  The doctor began the ultrasound and immediately I knew something was off.  The doctor wanted to see the baby on the big screen.  The lady began looking, poking, prodding, taking pictures until she said sadly.    "Yeah, I can't find a heartbeat."  

Immediately I broke into tears.  Did she really just say that my baby wasn't living anymore?  Did she just tell me I had miscarried?  I was devastated.  Luckily, my older sister was in the next room having a check up with her second child.  The nurse went to get her and she hugged me while I just cried.  I hadn't been cramping or bleeding so was this really happening?  Once I was able to get my emotions somewhat under control I broke down again thinking about how I would tell my husband!  That was quite possibly the hardest thing I had to do in our relationship to that point.  

The doctor later told me it was nothing I did to cause this and all that jazz.  In my mind I didn't believe him.  I knew I had done something to cause God to take my child away.  After a few months we were able to shake it off and continue to try for another child.  

It would be a year before we would conceive again.  We were excited hoping that this was it!  Unfortunately this one only lasted a few days before my body would miscarry on it's own.  I miscarried on April 1st and I was so mad at my body for playing such a cruel "joke" on me.  It was emotional and once again I became angry at my body and at God for not allowing us to become parents.  This time the anger lasted a little longer.  

After our second miscarriage in my mind I knew there was something wrong with my body.  My sisters were very fertile and hadn't miscarried.  It didn't "run" in our family...or did it?  Maybe it was because I was being punished because I wasn't as "righteous" as my sisters were.  I wanted answers.  

In June of 2012 two months after our second miscarriage my husband and I went in to speak with a fertility specialist.  I wanted him to check me for an inverted chromosome.  My brother had it and had to do in-vitro fertilization to get his beautiful children here.  I wanted to make sure this wasn't the reason I was not a mother yet.  We paid the money for the kareotype of my genes and it came back free of any issues.  I was relieved and a little confused but we put our trust in the doctor.  We proceeded with months of fertility treatments, all were unsuccessful.  We finally moved on to more aggressive forms of treatments, all of which did not work.  By February of 2013 my husband and I were ready to take a break.  Emotionally as well as financially.  I was still on the hunt for answers.  

I would visit with many doctors to make sure my body was healthy and everything was in order.  I was told I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrom) as well as hashimotos thyroiditis.  I started taking the necessary medications to help with this and started feeling "normal"  I went to the same nurse practitioner for over a year just trying to get my body as healthy as possible to increase our chances of getting pregnant.  

In November of 2014 I went to visit my doctor and thought to myself...I am feeling pretty good.  Why am I going to see her?  That same week I found out I was pregnant with baby #3.  We were once again super excited but a little reluctant to let ourselves get attached or too excited.  My thoughts were if I actually allowed myself to become  excited and let it sink in we would miscarry.  I know.  Irrational thinking. It was what I was feeling.   We went to the doctor early on and got ultrasounds  and blood work in order to monitor hormone levels to make sure everything was okay.  We even asked our families to pray for us as I thought we were miscarrying.  (I was just crazy nervous.)  We went in for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, this time my husband came.  We saw a tiny heartbeat.  We were hopeful.  I went in two weeks later at 8 weeks and actually heard the heartbeat this time.  It was amazing.  The doctors told us if there is a heartbeat at 8 weeks the chances of miscarriage go down to 1% or something like that.  We were thinking it was time for a baby to come into our lives.  Deep down it didn't feel right.  At 10 weeks we got another ultrasound...we were ushered into the room with the big screen once again only to be told our baby had passed.  It was an emotional experience.  I expected it, but was so confused as to why it had happened again!  We went in for a D & C the next day ( December 19th) as I didn't want to miscarry during the holidays.  We asked the doctor the morning of the procedure to genetically test the baby to see if something was wrong.  He did just that.  

In January of 2015 I went for my follow up appointment and the doctor had some news for us.  He told me that they had found that our baby was a boy and that both the baby and I had an inverted chromosome.  I was so happy to have an answer.  I knew all along that this made sense but I believed the doctor we had been working with when he told us we didn't have one.  Needless to say we changed fertility doctors.  

An inverted chromosome is when a portion of your chromosome, in my case on the largest chromosome 1, detaches and flips upside down then re attaches to the places it detached from...upside down.  When this happens it is called an imbalanced inversion.  These inversions are present in the gametes, sperm or eggs, of the person it affects.  It is possible that the person has gametes with no inversion, imbalanced inversions as well as a balanced inversion.  It is hard for me to explain but it means that I have eggs that will pass on all the information a baby needs, not enough or sometimes too much information.  This can cause miscarriages or the inability to actually get pregnant.    

We have been told by a genetic counselor that we could have children on our own but it may take many miscarriages and take years to happen.  It can also be possible for us to have a child with disabilities if one even makes it to live birth.  According to fertility specialists, to ensure a healthy baby and pregnancy, is to do in-vitro- fertilization with pre genetic testing of the embryos (PGD).  

In sharing our story with you I hope to open conversation about people who have struggled with their very own stories of infertility and child loss.  I know through experience that there are a lot of women and men out there who have been through the same or very different stories.  Each story is different but I feel the emotions behind it are the same.