As of right now we are waiting to start the in vitro process. There is a lot more that goes into this process than I ever imagined! There are also a lot of emotions that have been coming and going. One day I am excited to get this started. They next day I am scared and worried if we really even need to do in vitro. Then I worry about paying for it. I could drive myself crazy thinking of all the questions and scenarios. Sometimes I even wonder if I really, truly want children when I know that they take a lot of work and energy. I would have to say telling myself that I don't want kids for the selfish reasons I can think of is a way to preserve my emotions about the topic. I feel so jaded about all the things that have happened in this quest, and I get nervous to put any faith into anything actually happening for the better. The thought crosses my mind that this is just an expensive gamble. One which I don't know it's worth taking. Especially when I can adopt a child for less money and be more likely to get a child. Or maybe I think of adoption because I would feel more in control? Either way It is one of those learning experiences to let the control go and trust in something bigger than myself. I heard a quote that said " We struggle because we want to grow but we don't want to let go." This is very true in my place right now. I want to grow, learn and trust it is the right path but I do NOT want to let go of the control. Life is just full of sweet lemons.
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