Two week wait

There is nothing harder than the two week wait.  You are hoping it's finally yes! You bite your nails to a nub waiting for the day you can finally take a home pregnancy test.  The moment comes and you hesitate.  Could this be the day?  Or is it going to be a sad dissapointment like every other month?  You expect your period and it doesn't even phase you anymore when it comes.  If it doesnt the possibilities flood your mind.
Once you start to go through the processes of clomid to iui to ivf you have a glimmer of hope each  month  but no expectations of any real results.  It's been your experience to be disappointed every month so that is what you expect...sometimes even look forward to.  Especially if you've experienced miscarriages or child loss.  You just don't want to hurt anymore so you become numb to it all. 
Then the day comes and you get to transfer an embryo that has been tested and tormented and has made it through embryo hell and back and it's the lucky one that will be implanted in your uterus.  You go in and out of your appointment and the wait begins. 
You make it a whole week before even thinking about taking a pregnancy test.  It comes out positive!  You're slightly freaking out and still don't believe the answer you got.  It's only natural to take another test the next day...positive.  Okay...maybe?  You take a test every morning that week and get all positives, except for that one day when you took the test in the afternoon and got a negative because it's so early in pregnency you didn't have enough hcg to get a positive. Or was that the right one?  You go slightly crazy since you're on a slew of hormones to help you keep a pregnancy if you really are pregnant.  You take one the next morning...positive.  Still in your mind there is doubt.  What if It's negative and I've miscarried and that's why I got a negative and a positive.  Maybe it's still not time to have kids and our trial is not over.  Maybe we wasted an embryo and we only have so many left.  Maybe we weren't supposed to choose the gender of the baby.  Maybe I did something to cause it not to take.  Your thoughts bounce around like a racquet ball every which way.  You will drive yourself nuts.  It's "normal."  You decide I'm just going to wait for the blood test tomorrow morning. 
The day is here. You've had ur blood drawn and you're embarrassed but admit you took "a test" to the lady drawing your blood and it was positive.  She seems to think that's a good sign but says nothing else.  Rude.  She says they'll call you in a few hours.  Mentally you say okay so they should call by 1230 maybe 1 at the latest. 
Hour 1 rolls by...they will call any minute!  You do anything you can to keep busy.  Your house will get pretty clean during the wait or you'll get a good nap in.  By the time you go to work at 2pm...they STILL haven't called.  You think they are just saving you for last so your day isn't ruined by the bad news.  still you will not separate from your phone for anything!  It's glued to you. 
Finally you get busy doing something at work and they call!  You answer and try to prepare for the blow.  Then they tell you you are pregnant and you are excited!  You already knew it all along but you just needed that confirmation. 
You have just received great news and your excited...and yet still reluctant.  You still have 8 more weeks to make it through the first trimester into "safety."  You wait for your first ultrasound a week or two later to see a heartbeat and confirm there is a baby in there even though your already feeling a little sick.    Even then you just wish the first trimester gets over with quickly and you're still pregnant.   You're also hoping for a good bout of morning sickness to reassure you that everything is going good. 
Lots of thoughts and doubts inhabit your mind but ultimately you try to have hope and faith that everything will be alright.  It's a time you realize that you've done everything in your abilities possible to make this happen.  You're little embryo is now in the hands of your higher power.  He is in charge and you pray daily for the courage you will need to in order to go through whatever is in store...miscarriage, child loss or maybe, just maybe, a full term pregnancy and all that comes with it. 
I know that not everyone will get pregnant their first try at any infertility treatments...or at all.  Don't lose hope.  You will feel when it's time to move on.  And as hard as it seems to believe, it will feel peaceful.  Infertility treatments, adoption, foster care to adoption, being an aunt, uncle...Every story of being and becoming a parent is different.  Every situation is different.  Every person has different limits.  Follow what is peaceful for you.  Peace is a gift and sometimes all we have in these moments. 

Some would say we shouldn't tell people until the first trimester is over that we're pregnant.  I say I'm sharing the entire journey.  This includes the good, the bad and the ugly.  We will see how this story turns out together.  I want you to know that I  appreciate you.