The doctor gets everything ready and everything in the room kind of blurs except the screen over your head that will soon show the contents of you uterus. You keep telling yourself you are over reacting but let's be honest. You have had more heartbreaking memories during ultrasounds than not. In essence you have been traumatized by them. You take a deep breath and the doctor says."I see two sacs." You are suddenly filled with hope that you're having twins! Then you realize one sac is substantially larger than the other. You're hopes of having twins fade as you realize the one sac has nothing in it. It's an empty hole where a child should be but is not. Your hopes now lie with the second larger sac. The doctor moves the ultrasound around to try and find a heartbeat. He can't really even tell if that bright spot is the embryo or is it this other spot. He knows there is or was an embryo in there somewhere but can't tell if it's still growing or maybe it's stopped growing. You are just over 6 weeks and figure there should be a heartbeat. Right? The doctor tells you he is concerned and instead you hear " I'm sorry for your loss." You try not to jump to conclusions. It has been the only conclusion you have ever known...so naturally it's where your mind goes.
The doctor offers to do an HCG test but doesn't think it will tell anything so he encourages you to get an ultrasound Monday to confirm whether or not you have miscarried...again. As the doctor speaks to you, you can feel the numbness settle in. You are trying to listen but are really focusing on not letting the stream of tears begin because you don't know if you can stop them once they start. On your way home the flood gayes open and you find yourself praying for a miracle.
Your doctors nurse calls you not even 15 minutes later to make the next ultrasound appointment. You can barely talk as you are overcome by emotion...slightly embarrassed and slightly peeved she would call so shortly after the news you had just received. She feels you with hope and tells you a story about another woman who didn't have a heartbeat or anything until 7 weeks into her pregnancy. You latch onto that but are cautious. You have been hurt to many times and are so over feeling the pain. You feel like you are grasping at straws hoping that a heartbeat shows up on Monday. (and every ultrasound after that.) You also realize how little control you have over anything and everything once again. You cry to yourself because you are tired and don't want to go through another one. It is too hard. You don't feel strong enough. You feel broken once again. You feel that you don't have enough courage to accept what His will may be in this situation. You feel that you are cause for your spouses heartache. It literally kills you inside. You feel you are back at square one. If this didn't work, there must be something else that is going on that they haven't found yet.
You just want to move on and get over it as quickly as possible. Like a band aid. Less pain, no tears. You realize it will take some time. It is natural and necessary to mourn. Take time for yourself to just cry it out. You have lost a part of you. You can always hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Another hard part is trying not to make others feel awkward when they ask how your doing. Inside your a mess but you're figuring it out. Outside you look so normal that nobody can tell a difference in you.
To all of you out there. We're expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I dont write this for attention or to make anyone feel bad for us. Its just a sucky part of life. Come monday we will know for sure if we have miscarried or not. Either way we're trying to stay hopeful. I hope this can alleviate some of those awkward moments though:) Once again...I hope you know that I appreciate you.
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