Cliffhanger

It's been a while since I've written.  Here it goes...
Monday morning comes.  It's been a hard weekend but you're now able to accept whatever happens...heartbeat or not.  It's not like it'd be the first time anyways. 
You're now at the doctors office and nerves have taken over so much your hands are sweating. Luckily they take you right back.  One last silent prayer of pleading is said that there is a heartbeat and if not than that you'll feel the comfort needed to get through what lies ahead.  For some reason you immediately feel comfort and are ready for the bad news. 
The doctor comes in and tells you not to worry because he sees a heartbeat in only 60% of pregnancies as far along as you are.  He says it's not over yet if they can't find a heartbeat today.  Then the ultrasound begins.
He finds the sac with no heartbeat and no baby developing.  The blighted ovum.  He measures it and it hasn't grown since a few days ago.  The doctor moves to the next sac that still has something in it.  He measures everything and it's still a little small.  You are half listening and half searching for any sign of a heartbeat.   You think your eyes are playing tricks until he says " oh look.  Here's a heartbeat."  You don't cry because you're actually in shock.  He measures some more and even though baby is a few days behind the doctor says it's okay to still be cautiously hopeful.  He wants you to come back a week later to make sure everything is still growing. 

One week later...

Your back and have been waiting for over an hour to get an ultrasound again.  It feels like De ja vu.  Your a little more confident but the nerves are unrelenting!  Finally...you get called back and end up waiting another  little while...stupid snow storm is ruining your life.   Then he comes.  You want to say " let's skip the small talk and get this over with."  But listen politely because once again the nerves vanish miraculously after a silent prayer for comfort.  He goes in and begins.  Same thing...blighted ovum is still there chilling.  Then onto your only hope...there's a heartbeat and your baby is noticeably larger.  The heartbeat is at a good pace and you get to hear it this time.  You're heart drops when the heartbeat vanishes.  Then you realize he's trying to listen to the blighted ovum heart and you relax.  He ends by printing off some pics of baby and it's heartbeat.   He does mention the sac is a little small but the fluid around baby looks good.  Of course all you hear is the sac is small and baby may not make it.  You fight it off and search for the peace you had right before the ultrasound started. 

4 days later...

You go into your regular doctor for your first prenatal appointment and are freaking out because its what you're good at and 1 year prior, to the day, this same doctor told you your last baby had no heartbeat.  You lie on the ultrasound table and within seconds he sees a heartbeat.  You're happy and are ready to do whatever you must to keep baby safe and comfortable.   The doctor tells you to go in weekly if you want to check on baby and that all the doctors will support you if that's what you need.  You are grateful they understand the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy and recurrent loss.  He draws some blood and you know he's going to do all he can to keep your baby healthy too. 
I know that it is not up to us.  Its not up to the doctors.  I know it's a much higher power that helps us daily.  I know, through my own experience, that a miracle happened. 
Emotional rollercoaster.  That is how to describe the entire journey of infertility.  The one thing I know is that we are never on it alone.  No matter what twist or turn is ahead of us, we can make it through.  Sometimes more tears are involved than on other rides. 
This journey is far from over.  I'd say we are hopeful but guarded.  I want you to know that if you have a friend or loved one going through fertility things right now.  Just love them.  Find your own personal way to support them and help them feel like they are already parents...even without children.  Because they ARE! 
I still know that if none of these little embryos make it to this earth and my arms that I could find happiness in my nieces and nephews.  Because my siblings love me enough to let me be a part of their lives.  I hope everyone can find this peace.  You are a mom or a dad...simply because you love.