The process of in-vitro

When we decided In Vitro Fertilization was what we needed to do our first step was to find a doctor to go to.  We visited with the first fertility doctor we ever used as well as one that was recommended to us by a close family member.  We essentially interviewed both doctors and got all the information we could from both of them.  My husband and I then weeded through what we wanted out of a doctor and what we didn't.  Eventually we just felt better about the doctor that was recommended to us.  The next step will differ from doctor to doctor.  In our case the next step was to get some tests done that our doctor required so that he could give us the best options on what to do.  

Our first "test" in the IVF process was to figure out my OAR (Ovarian Assessment Report).  This test, in essence, is a blood test that allows doctors to assess how the woman's body would react to fertility treatments.  At least that is how I understand it.  It uses a number of factors about a woman's body in a specific equation to tell doctors about how many eggs you have left as well as the quality of the eggs and how well you would react to the medications they will use to stimulate egg production.  Some of these factors include age as well as a number or different hormones in your body.

Along with the OAR blood test they also did an ultrasound.  In this ultrasound they will look at your ovaries and count the number of antral follicles you have.  Antral follicles basically look like little holes in your ovaries in the ultrasound.  The number of follicles you have can help give them a good estimate of how many eggs you have left.  Crazy huh?

At this point you have made some big decisions and your doctor has put you on birth control which seems counterproductive but its all a part of the process and you are anxious to get into the meat and potatoes of the process.  At this point you are exactly where we are in our process.  Awaiting the day when you can start doing whatever the doctor tells you to in order to make your dreams of having a baby a reality.  I am still in awe that modern medicine has made it possible for people to have children. People with certain health issues that would have rendered a woman infertile in the olden days.  

I will continue to add as the process unravels.  

decisions

During the process of in vitro there are so many decisions to be made.  At the clinic I am going to they have options ranging from one IVF cycle all the way up to a guarantee program which gives you your money back if a live birth doesn't result.  Each couple will need to figure out what they feel would be a sufficient number of tries so if by chance they were not able to have a baby through IVF they could say..."We tried and I am okay with moving on to other options now."
Among the decision of which doctor to use and how many cycles you should do comes a whole slew of other decisions I never thought I'd need to make.  Some of these include what to do with the embryos if you or your spouse dies.  Who gets the embryos if you decide to split or divorce?  What if you both die?  Do you want a family member to take responsibility or would you donate them to science or maybe have them disposed of?  Sometimes you may feel strongly one way or another about a decision and other times you may feel indifferent.  As long as it makes sense to you and your spouse, and it feels right, that is all that matters.

Let it go.

In the midst of struggling with infertility, or any trial for that matter, it is natural to question our beliefs in God and his mindfulness and love for us individually.  We wonder if he really knows what is best for us because if he did he would send us a baby...Right?  I remember after my first 2 miscarriages feeling completely certain that I had miscarried because I wasn't as good of a person as my family or friends who were getting pregnant and having babies.  As this feeling grew inside me so did the bitter seed of resentment towards my Heavenly Father.  I slowly stopped doing spiritual things because I was going to prove that I could get pregnant and have a baby without needing religion.  This plan eventually led me to a hardened heart, a very closed mind and a feeling of emptiness.  I was hurt and my Heavenly Father was to blame.  I felt if He was truly mindful of me He would take pity on me and send me a baby.  This is what my mind was telling me but not my heart. 

Deep down I knew my Heavenly Father loved me and that He was there for me waiting for me to reach out to Him so He could give me strength to get through this trial.  He was testing me and everything I had been taught from childhood at the same time!  At least that is how it felt.   Being able to accept that it was all a part of a plan of a Heavenly Father who loved me, was really hard.  Mainly because it was not MY plan.  I had to figure out what I was to learn from this experience.  For each person what we are to learn is different but I feel there is a similar thread that runs through.  

Letting go of our plans and accepting His will as our own.  

How are we to know that He is really aware of us in the moments that we feel the most alone?
How do we trust in Him when we he has allowed us to spend the last however long feeling alone, sad, depressed and hopeless among other things.  While I don't think there is one definite answer for everyone I will share the one that helped me the most.
FAITH
Faith is to have a belief in someone or something.
I had to hold on, sometimes by a thread, to what I already knew.  My Heavenly Father loves me.
IF he really loves me why isn't his plan my plan?  Why isn't his timing MY timing?  Why couldn't he see that I was hurting so badly for a child.  He had the power to send one to me if he wanted.  I would eventually learn that I was missing the point.  I needed to give up my pride and trust entirely in Him.  I needed to give up my agenda and trust, say and mean the words "Thy will be done."
As I was able to commit this to memory and weed out the negative thoughts that came daily about how unfair the whole situation was, I found peace.
There are a lot of different things that happen in life that we have NO CONTROL over.  Trying to gain or keep control is tiring and can leave room for the adversary to try and poison our souls.  The moment we can pray for courage to accept His will, whatever it may be, is the moment we gain great power!
There will be days of struggle and thinking how stupid the whole situation is.  On those days we can find peace in one little phrase.
LET IT GO...
and we can knowing that HE is taking care of us as a loving Father in Heaven would.

Boy or Girl?

This week I spoke to a genetic counselor from the place that will be testing our embryos to make sure they do not have an inverted chromosome.  She spoke about the process of testing the cells and how they would get the results.  She also talked to us about what the results would entail.  We would know which embryos have the inverted chromosome as well as which were "normal" or balanced.  We could also know which embryos were male and which were female.  

How crazy is that!  Modern medicine has made it possible for people to have children even with issues that would otherwise render them infertile.  We can now have children and know what the gender is before they are even implanted.  I know for some this process is unnatural...you are playing the hand of God.  To others who have felt the cold hand of infertility and child loss in their lives modern medicine is a miracle!  

The questions that have gone through my mind over and over is would choosing our babies gender be us trying to play God?  If He really wanted us to have kids wouldn't he make it happen without the need of a fertility doctor?  Don't we trust in His timing?  All of these different thoughts came flooding through my mind. The bottom line being is choosing the gender of your child taking into our own hands that which God himself should be doing?  Everyone has their own opinion.  Everyone has their own way of finding an answer.  In the end it may not matter either way.  If you are following the peace that God promises His children...what do you need more?  

Following the peace...is it enough?

  

How do we know we are doing all we can do without imposing on the will of the Father?  

Every time I ask this question the same conclusion is drawn...Follow the Peace.  

Trying to have children while dealing with infertility is taxing in every single aspect of ones life.  It is emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically confusing.  All of these different emotions can make it hard to know what to do.  Am I making this decision because I want it or because It is the best option for us?  Am I choosing this because the Dr. made it sound like a quicker route to parenthood?  Or is it what we need to do?  It can make you feel like your drowning in a sea of options.  You could go drive yourself crazy trying to figure it all out on your own.  How do you know which path is right for you and your spouse?  

Follow the peace.  

When my husband and I found out we had and inverted chromosome issue there was no doubt in our minds that we were going to do in vitro with genetic testing.  As the time came closer to pick a doctor we really had to look inside ourselves to find the peace.  There were two doctors we were choosing between.   One made the process sound quick and easy and amazing!  Who doesn't want to move the process along?  The other made it sound like a longer road, full of testing and preparation.  Both doctors were comparable on many levels.  The only confirmation we got was a simple peace.  Either doctor may work but the peace that accompanies a decision makes it less stressful.   At some points in the journey that peace is all you have especially when your world feels out of control.  

Control...that is a word for another time.  

Every woman is a MOTHER.

Mother's Day can be a hard day for those who are struggling with infertility and child loss.  It can be one of those days filled with lemons.  I know it has been for me in the past few years.  This year is different.  I was asking myself how it could be different...I am still childless and I should have been having a baby in July.  Let me share a little experience that led me to this conclusion.  I AM A MOTHER.

Last night I went to dinner with my family.  We were going to celebrate Mothers Day.  We sat down and the waitress came to the table.  The first thing she said was "If you're a mother...Happy Mothers Day."  Without a thought I found myself saying..."Thank you!"  After saying that I quickly had a thought...why did you say thank you?  You are not a mother.  I quickly counteracted that negative thought with...YES...I am a mother.  Mainly because I decided it was so in spite of not having children.

My hope is that every woman realizes that whether or not you are married or have any children...you are a mother!  We are all born with a desire to nurture and take care of those around us. We all find ways to do this. Sometimes without even realizing it.

 There may come a time in your journey to bringing children to this earth when you will loathe mothers day.  You may hate it because you don't have kids so that naturally means you are not a mother right?  Wrong.  You may not want to stand up when they hand out mothers day flowers or gifts at church because quite frankly you feel embarrassed that you are childless or feel like your not a real woman because you can't have kids.  I am here to tell you that you are not alone in these feelings.  I KNOW that Mothers day is a bittersweet day for a lot of women out there.  I am also here to tell you that you are in fact, without a shadow of a doubt, a mother.  

I have come to realize that I am a mother to someone everyday.  A lot of times for me I feel like a mother when I am around my nieces and nephews.  They bring me such joy and I feel such a deep love for them that I cannot imagine loving my own kids any more than I love my nieces and nephews.  For me...that is enough.  I also know that not everybody has nieces and nephews.  To them I say find a way to be a nurturer.  I know for one of my friends she had a dog that she doted on.  He was and still is her baby.  Another friend of mine often asked if she could take her friends children for the evening.  There are a lot of different ways to be able to be mom here on this earth while waiting for your own children to come.  Don't let the adversary convince you of anything other than this...  YOU ARE A MOTHER...or a FATHER for that matter.  

 I remember struggling a few years ago and a lady in my church came up to me hugged me tightly and simply said..." Happy Mothers Day.  You are a mother."  I don't know if she knew what we had been going through but that simple phrase was all I needed to hear right then.  While I obviously cried at those words I whispered a "Thank you."  as that is all I could get out. 

For those of you who know someone struggling this Mothers Day may I say to you be sensitive and understanding.  While everyone is different, we all want the same thing.  We want to be reassured  that we are as much mothers as anyone else.  On that note I say HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all the women out there.  You are a mother in my eyes...and most importantly in the eyes of our Heavenly Father who loves you and is mindful of what you are going through.  Sometimes it is hard to believe he is mindful of us in these moments...that is a topic for another time.