peace in hardships

You are lying in your bed looking up what size your little baby is and are suddenly hit with a pretty severe bout of anxiety.  You aren't sure why but you feel the need to call the doctor immediately. You leave a message and eventually someone calls you to see if you can come into the doctors office right then to get an ultrasound to just check on baby's heartbeat.  You get there and are feeling different.  You're not sure why but something if "off".  You have felt this feeling many times before but you really are hoping it's just anxiety.
The nurse calls you back and gets your vitals and weight.  Your blood pressure is high so she asks you to take some deep breaths and try to relax.  Of course it's high you have been internally freaking out all morning!  You do as she says and it is normal the second time.  She says "we'll give you some peace today."  You reply "I hope so."  Deep down you already know what is coming.  Once again you hope you are wrong.  After all there were no signs for you to believe that your baby no longer had a heartbeat.
You wait in an exam room for a few minutes on the verge of tears.  You get it together enough to walk the long walk into the ultrasound room.  The same room in which they told you about your miscarriage just over a year prior.  The doctor comes in and cannot find a heartbeat with the abdomen ultrasound.  He has to do a vaginal ultrasound.  You already know but are hanging on to a thread hoping he's not right.  He begins the ultrasound and there are 2 sacs.  The blighted ovum and a significantly larger sac with a baby inside...but no heartbeat.  He tries to listen for the heartbeat.  Silence.  You bite your tongue holding back the tears.  until he confirms.  "I'm sorry...I don't see a heartbeat."  The nurse present immediately grabs you hand and you cannot hold the flood of tears any longer.  "How did you know?"  he asks.  "Intuition?"  you shake your head yes.  Tears stream down your face as your biggest fears are confirmed.  You have miscarried once again.
The doctor is kind and gets everything arranged so you can have a d and c later that day mainly because its the eve of Christmas eve.
You make the long walk to the car and emotions erupt.  Now you get to call your husband and tell him the news.  You get the emotions as under control as possible and dial the number.  It rings and he answers.  You act casual until the emotions don't even permit you to speak.  You blurt out. "We miscarried again!"  Silence.  This is one of the hardest things you will have to do.  You wish you could hold it all in until Monday and let him know then but you really need his support now.  He is emotional with you for a minute and you decide to talk more later.
You have to get some stuff at the store and the entire time your there you are keenly aware of the pregnant lady walking down the aisle with her big baby bump and doting husband.  It makes you sad and yet strangely excited for the future.
All in all, today has been rough.  But I will tell you one thing.  Where there is hardship and trial.  There can be peace.
While my husband and I are sad and mourning the loss of yet another child we know that it is all for a reason.  A reason unknown by us.  We have come to learn to appreciate the time we have being pregnant.  We have come to appreciate all those around us.  We are so surrounded by amazing people who help buoy us up in the hardest of times.  We love and appreciate all of you.
At this time we ask that you understand our emotions and allow us our time to mourn and heal.  We know it's not the end of the journey.  We know there is a long road ahead.  We also know that we have 4 beautiful little babies waiting for us on the other side.

Cliffhanger

It's been a while since I've written.  Here it goes...
Monday morning comes.  It's been a hard weekend but you're now able to accept whatever happens...heartbeat or not.  It's not like it'd be the first time anyways. 
You're now at the doctors office and nerves have taken over so much your hands are sweating. Luckily they take you right back.  One last silent prayer of pleading is said that there is a heartbeat and if not than that you'll feel the comfort needed to get through what lies ahead.  For some reason you immediately feel comfort and are ready for the bad news. 
The doctor comes in and tells you not to worry because he sees a heartbeat in only 60% of pregnancies as far along as you are.  He says it's not over yet if they can't find a heartbeat today.  Then the ultrasound begins.
He finds the sac with no heartbeat and no baby developing.  The blighted ovum.  He measures it and it hasn't grown since a few days ago.  The doctor moves to the next sac that still has something in it.  He measures everything and it's still a little small.  You are half listening and half searching for any sign of a heartbeat.   You think your eyes are playing tricks until he says " oh look.  Here's a heartbeat."  You don't cry because you're actually in shock.  He measures some more and even though baby is a few days behind the doctor says it's okay to still be cautiously hopeful.  He wants you to come back a week later to make sure everything is still growing. 

One week later...

Your back and have been waiting for over an hour to get an ultrasound again.  It feels like De ja vu.  Your a little more confident but the nerves are unrelenting!  Finally...you get called back and end up waiting another  little while...stupid snow storm is ruining your life.   Then he comes.  You want to say " let's skip the small talk and get this over with."  But listen politely because once again the nerves vanish miraculously after a silent prayer for comfort.  He goes in and begins.  Same thing...blighted ovum is still there chilling.  Then onto your only hope...there's a heartbeat and your baby is noticeably larger.  The heartbeat is at a good pace and you get to hear it this time.  You're heart drops when the heartbeat vanishes.  Then you realize he's trying to listen to the blighted ovum heart and you relax.  He ends by printing off some pics of baby and it's heartbeat.   He does mention the sac is a little small but the fluid around baby looks good.  Of course all you hear is the sac is small and baby may not make it.  You fight it off and search for the peace you had right before the ultrasound started. 

4 days later...

You go into your regular doctor for your first prenatal appointment and are freaking out because its what you're good at and 1 year prior, to the day, this same doctor told you your last baby had no heartbeat.  You lie on the ultrasound table and within seconds he sees a heartbeat.  You're happy and are ready to do whatever you must to keep baby safe and comfortable.   The doctor tells you to go in weekly if you want to check on baby and that all the doctors will support you if that's what you need.  You are grateful they understand the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy and recurrent loss.  He draws some blood and you know he's going to do all he can to keep your baby healthy too. 
I know that it is not up to us.  Its not up to the doctors.  I know it's a much higher power that helps us daily.  I know, through my own experience, that a miracle happened. 
Emotional rollercoaster.  That is how to describe the entire journey of infertility.  The one thing I know is that we are never on it alone.  No matter what twist or turn is ahead of us, we can make it through.  Sometimes more tears are involved than on other rides. 
This journey is far from over.  I'd say we are hopeful but guarded.  I want you to know that if you have a friend or loved one going through fertility things right now.  Just love them.  Find your own personal way to support them and help them feel like they are already parents...even without children.  Because they ARE! 
I still know that if none of these little embryos make it to this earth and my arms that I could find happiness in my nieces and nephews.  Because my siblings love me enough to let me be a part of their lives.  I hope everyone can find this peace.  You are a mom or a dad...simply because you love. 

Hope and Faith

Every time you go in for an ultrasound you are filled with so much anxiety that you literally fill like it has taken control of your body.  The doctor comes in and talks a little about what they are looking for and you hardly hear anything above the sound of your heart beating.  You wonder if he's going to locate a baby and a heartbeat quickly or if it's going to take him a while...like the last ultrasound you had when they told you there was no heartbeat and you had miscarried.  

The doctor gets everything ready and everything in the room kind of blurs except the screen over your head that will soon show the contents of you uterus.  You keep telling yourself you are over reacting but let's be honest.  You have had more heartbreaking memories during ultrasounds than not.  In essence you have been traumatized by them.  You take a deep breath and the doctor says."I see two sacs."  You are suddenly filled with hope that you're having twins!  Then you realize one sac is substantially larger than the other.  You're hopes of having twins fade as you realize the one sac has nothing in it.  It's an empty hole where a child should be but is not.  Your hopes now lie with the second larger sac.  The doctor moves the ultrasound around to try and find a heartbeat.  He can't really even tell if that bright spot is the embryo or is it this other spot.  He knows there is or was an embryo in there somewhere but can't tell if it's still growing or maybe it's stopped growing.  You are just over 6 weeks and figure there should be a heartbeat.  Right?  The doctor tells you he is concerned and instead you hear " I'm sorry for your loss."  You try not to jump to conclusions.  It has been the only conclusion you have ever known...so naturally it's where your mind goes.  

The doctor offers to do an HCG test but doesn't think it will tell anything so he encourages you to get an ultrasound Monday to confirm whether or not you have miscarried...again.  As the doctor speaks to you, you can feel the numbness settle in.  You are trying to listen but are really focusing on not letting the stream of tears begin because you don't know if you can stop them once they start.  On your way home the flood gayes open and you find yourself praying for a miracle.  

Your doctors nurse calls you not even 15 minutes later to make the next ultrasound appointment.  You can barely talk as you are overcome by emotion...slightly embarrassed and slightly peeved she would call so shortly after the news you had just received.  She feels you with hope and tells you a story about another woman who didn't have a heartbeat or anything until 7 weeks into her pregnancy.  You latch onto that but are cautious.  You have been hurt to many times and are so over feeling the pain. You feel like you are grasping at straws hoping that a heartbeat shows up on Monday.  (and every ultrasound after that.)  You also realize how little control you have over anything and everything once again.  You cry to yourself because you are tired and don't want to go through another one.  It is too hard.  You don't feel strong enough.  You feel broken once again.  You feel that you don't have enough courage to accept what His will may be in this situation.  You feel that you are cause for your spouses heartache.  It literally kills you inside. You feel you are back at square one.  If this didn't work, there must be something else that is going on that they haven't found yet.  

You just want to move on and get over it as quickly as possible.  Like a band aid.  Less pain, no tears. You realize it will take some time.  It is natural and necessary to mourn. Take time for yourself to just cry it out.  You have lost a part of you.  You can always hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  

Another hard part is trying not to make others feel awkward when they ask how your doing.  Inside your a mess but you're figuring it out.  Outside you look so normal that nobody can tell a difference in you.

To all of you out there.  We're expecting the worst and hoping for the best.  I dont write this for attention or to make anyone feel bad for us. Its just a sucky part of life.  Come monday we will know for sure if we have miscarried or not.  Either way we're trying to stay hopeful.  I hope this can alleviate some of those awkward moments though:)  Once again...I hope you know that I appreciate you.